No, I'm not dead XD


MERRY X-MAS!!!! (^_~)b

Aww...

I found this under my pillow this morning. Hehe thought I'd share it with you guys. XD



Dear Lachaesis,

Last night, while you were fast asleep, I looked under your pillow and found your tooth. What a fine tooth it is! I know it will be one of the best in my fairy tooth collection. Losing a tooth is a special time for a young person like you, Lachaesis. It means you are growing up, and part of growing up means taking good care of your teeth. So make sure you brush your teeth everyday and eat the right foods. I have left you something special in place of your tooth.

Until next time –

I had a candy under ze pillow (^_^)
*me wuvs the tooth fairy lol*
Not sure about the growing up part, though...

Hi!

Hello, hello and goodbye!

I haven't been on, I know, like if I didn't notice that... Anyway, I'll be on more regulary and update more frequently from next week on. This past two weeks have been chaotic, work, college, exams, all in one, I think I might have had 10 hours sleep over the whole week... So, I'm dead tired.

Notes to the people: Guys I miss talking to y'all and I'm sorry I haven't connected MSN for like two months... You can hit me... more...
Faye: way to go with the clip! :D I'm sorry my wireless sucked yesterday. E-mail me whenever you can! ;)
Rita: HAPPY LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE birthday!!! *me sends a ton of kisses to you and excuses herself for not being able to go out with you guys*
Akane-chan: (T_T) waaaa! We need to talk some more! God, well next week more, I lost my mobile... No worries, my number is the same. Miss talking to you , onee-chan! ;)

To all the other that remained unnamed, I miss you all too and hope all the best is going on for y'all.

Blessed be! (^_~)b

Original feelings, old story

I live a thousand passions per hour.

It's like I live a thousand lives in a single moment.

I see a thousand faces everyday.

Some smile at me. Some don't.

Some are kind, some are rude, some are happy, some are sad.

I manage to fall in love with all of them, male, female, doesn't matter.

For they are me and I am them.

Smaller currents of the bigger river.


I am drowning in the pools that your eyes form.

I can't erase the green out of my mind.

Day and night.

I am.

I thought I could swim, thought I could fight.

I don't want to swim
I don't want to save my life
I want to drown myself in you.

I live a thousand passions per hour.

One just happened to be you.

In/Out

Loonnnnnnnnng time mo coming in here! Dang, it even looks different. Well, I have some news!

First things first, the main reason for my absence here in The Kiss Of The Valkyrie. I got a new job! And I am loving it! ( No, I don’t work for MacDonalds XP)

I work at this really nice coffee shop, at Colombo. The perks of it are that I get to work with great people, the pay (of course!) and the human dealing experience inherent to the whole thing. The only downside of it it’s the schedule, I am on the graveyard shift, so I get home at unearthly hours and of course the one and only thing I want to do when I get home is sleep.

So, if any of you guys drop by, feel free to say hello to me sometime! (^_^)

God, some really funny things have happened to me since I have been working there. There are the nice costumers and regular ones, which I am quickly learning their habits, the rude and obnoxious clients, which I just want to smack their faces, the foreign ones (my experience with these started when attending Celtic adepts, emptying our beer storage, not that I didn’t like them, I’ve been called ‘darling’ or ‘love’ more times in that afternoon than in my entire life… XP btw, Chris I miss ya!! lol) OK, we’ve had some other foreign clients and they’re kind of my department, since I am the sort of all around interpreter, I actually like that! Hmm let’s see, oh yes since working there I’ve had some… proposals. Just yesterday I had one. There was this guy that usually goes there, if not everyday, then 3 days or so, kind of a regular and always accompanied by this girl. They make their order, actually she does and one of us arranges it, since sometimes we are 3 people at that time working. But yesterday we were only 2, me and the night manager. So, she comes to the counter and makes the order, I get all done and deliver it to their table. I was busy attending other people that I didn’t notice her at the counter again. When I finally was a little free I attended her. She asked if I had a pen, a lot of costumers do that and I said sure and got her the pen. As I gave her the pen, she said she was going to write me a note, from her friend to me. I was like… okaaay.

Some clients after, she came to pay their tab and gave me the note and the pen. I closed the tab and didn’t read it immediately because God knows how busy we were at that time, so I slipped it into my apron pocket.

Later when I ended my shift I read the note. The first thing that came into my mind was... LMAO! Ok, so a basic description of the note: The guy said he came there a lot of time and he saw me and for some reason he liked me and blah, blah... Also said that I didn't know him and that stuff but he would like for us to know each other better and left his phone number on the note. And he asked his cute cute girl friend to deliver it to me... OK! I just folded the paper and put in in my locker.

Comments about this thing: It was funny, romantic I must add, for in such a long time I hadn't had a display like this. However, he's not even near my type so the next time he comes by I'll just have to politely decline his chivalrous advances.

On top of all that, I am dead tired, sometimes a bit cranky, missing all my friends and some social life. Also, thinking about some certain exes doesn't add up. *sigh* But for that part I'll just have to keep pushing that aside and don't let it play on my mind over and over again as it has been for a couple of days.

Post notes: Ok, I miss you, I screwed up and now, I can only think on what could have been. I know, I may be deserving this, but I just wanted to get you out of my head. I don't want to admit, but I still love you, I think...

I leave you this song, it makes me think of you. I hope you know it's for you.

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Scrubs Outtakes

These are some moments of the series Scrubs, one of the funniest I have ever seen. If you haven't seen it, what the hell are ya doing?! Go see! Plus, Dr. Elliot Reid is just plain q-uuuute! *me wants to get sick lmao*

Memoirs of a Geisha--Mad TV

A spoof from the MadTV guys about Memoirs Of A Geisha.
Bobby Lee rox!

Lovely Complex

Here's a little sample of an anime series I was tipped about today (thx Akane-chan!). It's absolutely great! Cuteness- 5 stars. Recommended!

Oh mah gawd that many!

Crikey! I just noticed that over 3,000 people have visited this blog! (@@)

Ok! This shows how much I have been around lately. I haven't had time enough and I wished I did. I miss writing here, the shink is helluva lot expensive...

If I have anything of relevance, I shall post soon. Meanwhile, I shall return to my vegetative state in what concerns the Web surfing.

Ironic isn't? Now that I have broadband, I don't have the slightest chance to spend some time idling on the net.... *rolls eyes*

Comeback

I dreamt about you again, I smile at the thought, it seems to be a constant every night for the past couple of weeks. It was nothing fancy, it was a dream where you and I meet again, and all the awkwardness inherent to the situation surfaces. We talk, little it's true, but I can't deny to myself despite being reserved and a little afraid to admit that I want to kiss you. Right there, right in that moment. I appear to forget/ignore that you are with someone else (are you really?).
I am afraid of what this could mean, because my dreams usually, if not always, mean something.
Also, not talking to you in such long time, then having a quick exchange of words might have had this effect on me.
I guess I never got over you like you and I thought, and probably,most certainly you still make my my heart beat a little faster. But shhhh! You musn't know a thing about it.
Now if you'll excuse me, I shall go hide under the sheets, cover my head and remain there for indeterminate time.

I wish you were there with me...♥

Hey people I'm back.

Ok, truth to be told, the will wasn't (isn't) very strong. Nevertheless, in life there are things that one must do not for pleasure but for glory. Therefore I have returned.
Some say that returning over and over to the places where they suffered the biggest losses makes them stronger. I tend to disagree, for I feel myself growing weaker by the day. No matter how hard I try to overcome myself, no matter how hard I try to prove myself before others, I no longer have much will left. And like the animals in the wild, after a severe wound, they use all that is left of their strength for one last effort, I too am using what is left of me.

I don't think it's enough, it never is.

I don't feel very well today, think I'll call in sick to LIFE.

"And when the first man reached the end of his journey, he found himself at the beginning."

tudo vai correr bem.

(todos os videos que pus aqui são spoilers do filme "le fabuleux destin d'amélie poulain". com estes videos ficam a saber o filme TODO. Eu avisei :] )

Gostava que a minha vida fosse como o filme da Amélie…

Amelie Intro

E que no final, numa photomaton perdida numa estacão de comboios qualquer aparecesse o meu cavaleiro branco algures e que o meu coração batesse forte, bem forte no meu peito… gostava de fazer esquemas como ela os chama, gostava que fosse uma procura constante...

...um jogo de gato e rato atrás de quem se ama...

e no final, quando tudo parece perdido… ele me batesse a porta.

Nesse momento abriria a porta de lágrimas nos olhos e sem dizer nada dar-lhe ia um beijo no cantinho da boca, outro no queixo, outro no sobrolho…

… e no final acordava com ele nos meus braços.

Bem sei que é sonhar demasiado alto, não precisa de ser tal e qual assim, isto não é mais do que uma fantasia típica de menina…

Eu só espero (pacientemente :] ) e que as coisas corram melhor do que agora. Vão correr. Acabei de ler uma coisa linda num nick de um amigo meu - O amor é algo bom...depende e da pontaria :D

Uma quote fabulosa deste filme:
"Ma petite Amélie, vous n'avez pas des os en verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vraie vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette. Alors, allez-y, nom d'un chien!" (l'homme de verre)
So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So, go get him, for Pete's sake!

Off till September


Holidays!!

Bruno Bozzetto animation - Olympics

Just something to lighten things up... Had a strange call just a couple of minutes ago, I'll have to see where it's gonna lead...

Ane Brun: Behind Closed Doors

I just had to post this...*melancholic*

What am I gonna do?
I am crying a bottle of wine over you
This is something I don´t usually do
But I am crying a bottle of wine over you

For me it is red or nothing
Hey-ho my lover will go
And this will ruin everything
Hey-ho my lover will go
I´m just too romantic
Hey-ho my lover will go
Without any sense of strategies
Hey-ho my lover will go

Twelve days and many long days have passed
Since I let go of my heart way too fast
Too many long summer nights
I´ve been checking for errors on the telephone lines

For me it is red or nothing
Hey-ho my lover will go
And this will ruin everything
Hey-ho my lover will go
I´m just too romantic
Hey-ho my lover will go
Without any sense of strategies
Hey-ho my lover will go

What am I gonna do
I am pouring my heart all over you
I guess I recognize this too
I think I´m falling in love with you

Bad dream

I had the weirdest dream last night. Yesterday, we all went to the beach, had a great time, I made dinner for us all, we cleaned up the kitchen, had our baths and went to bed as we were a little tired. All seemed well with the world, until I fell asleep. I can only remember the latter part of the dream. I was in this huge house and I was looking for something, can’t remember what, I was like looking out everywhere. Then I saw this girl looking at me but not saying nothing then disappearing. Each time I tried to talk to her she’d vanish. I know I’d seen her before, but I didn’t know from where. Anyway, I kept looking around the house and I get to this also huge living/library room. I was amazed at the quantity of books in there so I believe I was open-mouthed looking at it, when suddenly I feel this hand around my neck. I immediately looked and it was the girl I’d seen before. She was tightening her grip of her hand on me, I was choking. Then she started crying, but never wavering her strength. I believe I was looking at her with both fear and compassion, but I really didn’t know why was she doing that. I tried asking why.

“Wh-why.. are.. you…?” She pulled her extended arm back, bringing me along and looked at me closely, her tears were stronger. I blinked. “I…don’t know.. wha’.. you talking…”

She widened her eyes. “You don’t? This was how I felt when you left me.” And she used all of her strength to finish me up.

I woke up grasping my neck and I still could feel the grip slightly leaving sensation. I blinked several times, looking around I was in my room, the early birds were chirping outside and I was scared.

I was seeking in my mind who that girl could be and I had NO idea! I have never seen her before! Then it popped into my head, I don’t really know her, but I have seen her… Where?!

I still dunno who she is.

Just a day

Today was just an ordinary day. Well… I barely slept. A roomie of ours has some friends sleeping over and we the other two of us didn’t quite sleep because they just didn’t shut the fuck up till 4 friggin’ AM! Needless to say, I woke up moody. The rest of the day was quiet as I tried to recover from an ill-spent night. Then around six-ish I decided to go shopping. I went to the mall and into the art store. I brought home several packs of Fimo and worked on a sort of a sculpture I had promised to a friend of mine. I finished it just a little ago and I have to say, it could have turned out better. Well I can do another one if she doesn’t like, it’s no biggie, doesn’t take that much time to do.

And now I am reading myself to go to bed. That of course, doesn’t necessarily mean that I will go to sleep.. I just hope I do.

New toy

Waaaaaa! (^-^)! I just got Dance EJay 7 and it rocks!!!! I've been spoofing around with some samples but it's awesome. Lol, I think I will become a DJ! (u_u)*determined*

In the Trash

I hoped for something
in sequence

three thousand miles away

giving away old clothes
i like to catch my breath,
at the lost and found
wandering the alleys of this city

Não te quero senão porque te quero

Não te quero senão porque te quero,
e de querer-te a não te querer chego,
e de esperar-te quando não te espero,
passa o meu coração do frio ao fogo.
Quero-te só porque a ti te quero,
Odeio-te sem fim e odiando te rogo,
e a medida do meu amor viajante,
é não te ver e amar-te,
como um cego.
Tal vez consumirá a luz de Janeiro,
seu raio cruel meu coração inteiro,
roubando-me a chave do sossego,
nesta história só eu me morro,
e morrerei de amor porque te quero,
porque te quero amor,
a sangue e fogo.

Pablo Neruda

Moody blues

I love music, I really do. It's my therapy, way cheaper than the shrink too.
I have never followed ant specific rules to learn music and I was sort of self taught. The first things I learned were with friends and then I did all by myself. OK, I am not a virtuoso but I think I am ok with my skills. I could be better, that's a fact. Maybe that chance can be provided to me still. Anyway, babbling here. What I meant to write was something else, but related. I was home this afternoon and I was doing the usual cleanings and after that some learning chords time. I have a friend of mine who asked me if I could do a cover of Radiohead's Creep only guitar and voice and I said why not? So, I was freshening my memory of the chords and re-learning them as I played once, twice and so on. I haven't recorded it yet, because my voice today was a little hoarse and I didn't think it was turning out ok. So, basically this afternoon was that, I did a new song (wee!) called Warm inside (it's not because it's mine, but I think it's actually cool) and I covered for With or without you by U2 as well. Maybe next post will contain some samples if not the entire songs for you guys to listen... (^_~) Maybe!

OK now what I wanted to say. I had dinner around nine and went to the kitchen and found my roomie, also making dinner for her and her boyfriend (whom I have this eeky feeling for, and I usually don't get very wrong with people... except my love interests... oh nevermind that!) We chatted a bit, she's quite funny and we get along just great. I had dinner and came back to my room. I was playing a CSI game and it was about 11PM or so when I hear some guitar strumming. She has one as well. but it's he who does most of the playing thing. Guess what was he playing? Creep. At that point I am sure I got like this (>_<¤) really! I mean! C'mon! What was that? I can be over doing this but I just got the impression he was going like 'Hey I am playing too and I'm better than you! ~nyah nyah' (which he's not!) And this is not the first time it happens. I think it's getting into my nerves... I already had some sort of... icky feeling for him and with this... Ok, I have nothing against him, but here's my question: He lives around the house like 24/7 and he never said anything like 'hey you play guitar too? cool we could play something along sometime.' Or something along the line. It doesn't mean we would have to. It would only be polite. He knows I play guitar, in fact I have my two guitars here... Is it me or it's just some kind of rudeness of him? I think he doesn't like the fact that I can play guitar. His girlfriend plays too, to what extent, I don't know. I don't get it and I don't like this. I just feel like were as sworn enemies, God knows why...

(¬_¬) I'll be on the watch, pal...

New look

Hope you all like! (^_^)

Do you think that is possible, when two people are universally, probably karmically connected even if they are miles away from each other, when one has the perfect of perfectest of days the other one has the lousiest, crappiest of days?

Just a little thought over this, I think it can.

It's the so-called butterlfly effect. The flapping of the wings of a butterfly in Beijing can provoke a tornado in New York, or something like that.
I think it can be applied to people as well. We all act according to Newton's Third Law, the action-reaction pair. All we do has repercussions in us as well in others.
So, if I am feeling peachy one day, there is someone at some place that is probably wanting to commit suicide.
But right now I am the one who wants to kill herself. So I really hope that the person that is connected to me, is having one heck of a hell of a good time!

Just because you see me smiling that doesn't mean I'm happy on the inside.

© surreal - July 2007

Never again

I just want to say something...

I will not set foot on that town ever again.

I don't care.

I will not go back with my word.

I will never go back again.

I can't explain. Just hope you understand.

Back baby!! =D

read the lyrics while you hear the song... it's self explanatory actually...

Had "something"... that thing lost spark then stopped... after making something stupid at 4am I decided to cut my losses and gave "the problem" the proverbial kick in the ass ( not literally lol, I just told him if he didn't want anything to stop trying). It hurt like a bitch to do so, it hurt even more even he started dating who he really wanted but I eventually got over it. Now I only feel stupid for the things I did for love... learned my lesson though, won't do the same mistakes \m/.
Spent a few months in "social-mental rehab" surrounded with the right people - the hiatus was because I was really sad and didn't want to talk about it in that state. Thank god for that bar in my campus... drank, cried, talked, played cards, was the loudest I was in months...

I now can't drink a full beer, not so fond of moscatel wine too anymore, I'm in luv with 7up...=)) I'm fed up of playing cards, haven't cried because of this in many months and I'm not loud but I'm not percieved as shy anymore... And I found myself a punk-nerd!! xDD

I'm back baby!!! New and improved, oh yeah!!!
=D

Dizem que os olhos são o espelho da alma.
Espelham tudo o que vai dentro de nós.
O que sentimos e aquilo que queremos dizer
quando as palavras não saem pelo som da voz.

Ton parfum était encore là et je t'avais déjà pardonné...

Another day over La-La Land

It has been a lazy day today. I planned to wake up late but early in the morning there was this constant bell ringing at our door and since no one got up to see what it was, I did. It was the mail man. Frick, it's the 3rd time this happens! Doesn't he see other bells too ring on?!

Ok, so I got out and went to open the door for him not even bothering that I was on my pj's, half-asleep and very much cranky. Personal memo: cute and short cat pj's are not allowed outside the house. 'Nuff said.
I got back home and crawled into bed again, waking up around 4PM. I had lunch, tidied my room a little and watched a movie.

Now there was something that buggered me for like a couple of days. Just the other day I was using my mobile and I get a totally unexpected ring. It was from a friend of mine, we went to prep school together and it's like what, 9 years or so that we haven't spoke to each other. I didn't ring her back till today. I just thought 'Oh well...'

After a while I get a text, it was her.
Hey! How have you been doing? All good I hope. I also hope this is your number... What have you been up to? We never spoke again... Kisses, Ana.

Well, I dunno how would you feel if you got a text like this, but I tell ya I had a funny feeling about this... kind of outta place, y'know? I felt some oddity on it but I replied, saying all was good with me and yes it was true that we didn't talk for a while.
Then she asks: Do you have MSN or anything like that? You know, to talk... What have you been doing? Kisses.

Odd I tell ya, odd. I replied again saying yes I do and gave her my e-mail address. OK, maybe I shouldn't have but... There is something fishy about this. I dunno what but I think I sense it and I am finding out.
Let's see what happens.

Gawd... talk about weird stuff...

Ok, so I got another text from her a while after.
I'm already on vacations! Of all goes well, I get out of nursing school in a year. Oh I've added you on MSN. Kiss.

Okay...

I turned MSN on by dinner time (which means now) and I had her request pending. I accept it and she immediately said hi.
The talk was so or like this:

she: Heeeey! :D
me: Hi there :)
she: I've added you. :p
me: I can see that lol
she: So! how's it going? where are you now? still in Lisbon?
me: All is good yeah, still in Lisbon.
she: I haven't seen you in aaages! Have you been coming here regulary?
me: well yes as a matter of fact. I only didn't go last weekend. but I will the next.
she: really? that's great 'cos next weekend it's my graduation. we so need to go out! :D
me: lol ok
she: where are you living now?
me: with some college friends, we live near college which is nice.
she: cool :) so any news?
me: News? hmm nope, nothing special
she: Hmm no boyfriend?
me: Lol nah, free as a bird.
she: Lol ok.
me: You? (i meant this as in do you have any news, not on the matter she obviously answered...)
she: Oh I'm single too, no boyfriend at the moment.
me:Ok...(insert odd feeling here)
At this moment I went to make some dinner and left.
she: Well gonna get a shower then I'm off with some friends for a coffee.
she: Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiss

I got here like an hour after, looked at the screen and just said ok.

I think the Universe gets a kick outta playing people up like pawns...

"What do you think of this?"
"It's lovely."
"Then it's yours."
"No! I don't want you to buy it!"
"Oh but I will. And I will have one for myself as well. Because as you said it is really lovely.
"Yes, but..."
"Just like you."
"But..."
"We'll both have one. This way we won't forget."


I hate when you make me speechless. (U_U)*blush*

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"Please-- don’t let that light that shines out of her face go out. I couldn’t stand the darkness that would follow."


I was listening to music earlier and I came across this track. I don't know how but I couldn't bring myself to change tracks, so I kept listening to it over and over again. *sigh*
And as before, I cried listening to the song. As I am writing this post down, more tears run freely.
I do not intend to stop them. I believe it's good for the soul. I wish I didn't feel this way. Then again, if I did not, I would not be human.

A lot is wrong in the Universe generally speaking. But what hurts most it the turmoil inside one's heart. Even the fall of a feather can provoke a landslide.

I've had my own landslide

"I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind.
You give me all but the reason why.
I reach but I feel only air at night.
Not you, not love, just nothing.

I run to you
(run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(giving up, giving in)
I see you there farther away
(still you are, farther away)

Try to forget you
But without you, I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe!

I run to you
(run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(giving up, giving in)
I see you there farther away
(still you are, farther away)"

Evanescence - Farther Away

"I lay, looking at my hands
I search in these lines
I've not the answer
I'm crying and I don't know
watching the sky
I search for an answer
I'm free, free to be
I'm not another liar
I just want to be myself... myself

And now the beat inside of me
is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
never any feeling inside
ruining me...
bring my body
carry it into another world
I know I live... but like a stone I'm falling down

I pray, looking into the sky
I can feel this rain
right now it's falling on me
fly, I just want to fly
life is all mine
some days I cry alone,
but I know I'm not the only one
I'm here, another day is gone
I don't want to die...
Please be there when I'll arrive, dont cry... please


And now the beat inside of me
is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
never any feeling inside
ruining me...
bring my body
carry it into another world
I know I live... but like a stone I'm falling down

And now the beat inside of me
is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
never any feeling inside
ruining me...
bring my body
carry it into another world
I know I live... but like a stone I'm falling"

Lacuna Coil - Falling Again

This is not about me, I just thought I could post it.

Take my heart
and feed it to the demons
take my love
and rip it apart
take my soul
and sell it to the wind
take my eyes
and burn them in this fire
take my lips
and throw them in the ocean
take my everything
and it's to late to take it back
take my love
and it will burn your fingers
take my soul
and it will blow you away
take my eyes
and I will forever watching you
take my lips
and I'll give you deadly kisses
take my everything
and you'll be dead by evening's break

Bottom's Up!

Ok... Now I am doomed...

Medieval Times

I didn't know that The Kiss was that old! :-o hehe

In Japanese... (really..)

Fu Kisusu Ofu Fu Barukirie

lol

xD

Hexed

Well, today is Sunday and by this time I should have been waking up or still moping around the house, somehow....
But I can't sleep, I haven't been able to sleep for like 3 or 4 days now. Not kidding. I have like huge rings around my eyes and I don't feel well. I've had insomnias before, but not like these. I mean, they're not even insomnias... I sleep for like two hours because I dream. I have been having the weirdest dreams ever! Seriously. Today, I woke up from this crazy and messed uop dream, all startled and my heart was beating reallty fast, I had this dreadful feeling in my chest and I was afraid. God I don't want to feel like this again. It's been going on like a week. My opinion on this? I think I got hexed. Really.
I can't sleep at my grandparents house. Well, whether I am hexed or they are. Honestly, this isn't normal. Because I was in Lisbon last friday and I managed to get some hours sleep before I got back here. So something has got to be up. I am having really bad feelings about this. I fell asleep at 4AM and woke up at 7, feeling really bad. I think I need to de-hex this thing up.
In the morning I used a ritual I knew and I actually dozed of a little. But it's not enough. Gotta do something bigger because I tell ya, bad things are hovering around there.

I'm taking things up tonight. Wish me luck.

Devoided

"Holding on to you like broken glass
Every touch cuts deeper than the last
I know I should leave
But it feels so good to bleed

Poison kisses lock us in this cage
Our lives got twisted in this masquerade
I can't seem to shake this incurable need
This endless addiction I feed

Angels on fire
They fall from the sky
Heaven and hell will be burning tonight
Covered in ashes I cry out your name
And out of the flames
We will rise again

Run in to the shadows where we hide
Bodies tender as our worlds collide
Nothing is sacred and everything's wrong
But you and I keep holding on

Angels on fire
They fall from the sky
Heaven and hell will be burning tonight
Covered in ashes I cry out your name
And out of the flames
We will rise again

No temptation is my sin
Not my darkest deepest whim

Angels on fire
They fall from the sky
Heaven and hell will be burning tonight
Covered in ashes I cry out your name
And out of the flames
We will rise
Angels on fire
They fall from the sky
Heaven and hell will be burning tonight
Covered in ashes I cry out your name
And out of the flames
We will rise again
We will rise again
We will rise".

I...
I'm lost.

And alone.

I wish...
I could have a second life.

I want to correct all that I have done wrong.
I can't bare to wake with this sense of guilt every day.

I like this song a lot. I cried today as I listened for the first time. Since when did I got all sentimental, I wonder...

No one knows.

Yesterday I bought a fortune cookie. I don't know if you should ask something before you open it, I did but I don't remember what.

No one is born perfect.

It was the answer.

I guess I knew that. But there are people that are slightly less unperfect. I wonder how they do it.

Right now, I feel like I am one of those XVth century mask balls. All so beautiful, so perfect so mysterious. Until you take off your mask.

I've always wanted to attend one. Maybe this is my chance. To take off the mask and get rid of all that is clinging to me.

I finish with a quote from Shakespeare's Richard III( I believe...):

"Now is the winter of our discontent."

"Now is the winter of our discontent" are the opening words of the play and lay the groundwork for the portrait of Richard as a discontented man who is unhappy in a world that hates him. Later he describes himself as "Deformed, unfinished, sent before his time into this breathing world, scarce half made up".

Shakespeare and I should have been great buddies... He knows how I feel...

Haunted heart

"In the night, though we're apart
There's a ghost of you within my haunted heart.
Ghost of you, my lost romance,
Lips that laugh, eyes that dance.

Haunted heart won't let me be,
Dreams repeat a sweet but lonely song to me.
Dreams are dust; it's you who must belong to me
And thrill my haunted heart,
Be still, my haunted heart."

I am in no mood to post today, so this is a song post. This is a beautiful song, I do not have the original, which I think it was by Frank Sinatra, I do have a cover by Jane Monheit, who has one of the most wonderful voices I have ever heard. I was listening to it earlier, countless times, for it was becoming an inspiration for me as I was writing a scene. I was getting the visuals for that precise scene so vividly, that I found myself quite emotioned by the ensemble. And I think that the scene in question got all that I wanted. The words were forming so quickly in the screen as I was watching it play in my mind. Might not be the best written scene ever, but I got the feeling of fulfillment on doing so.

Be still, my haunted heart... (;_ ;)

It's funny.. I never thought I'd write about this in the blog. Not that I haven't considered it at some point. I just thought it never came in handy so to speak.
As for the people who know me, you must know that I have quite a knack and interest for the most variable things. From the most trivial ones to the most eclectic, mystic I should add.

I am not going to say I am special or anything like that. Everyone is special in their own way.
I am not going to say I a better than the average, because believe me, I am not.
But I will say that I think I was blessed with a Gift. A gift that sometimes I have not used properly. Either didn't know how to use it, or tried to eat more than my own bite could reach.

Since I was little I felt things I knew most of the people did not. Of course for a long time I did not care for that. Until around 14, I was a perfectly content teenager only angry at the world and some puberty issues. Just normal.

Then there was something inside me that started stirring and suddenly I saw myself compelled to know more. To know more about unknown things. So I started buying books and reading compulsively. I thought I had found a calling. To help others with my Gift.
But then I did not know how to put it to use. I never had much interest for the divinatory arts until I read a book about Tarot. And just then I had to learn how to. I just felt it.
So, around 15-ish, I bought my first and only Tarot deck. It was beautiful, I saved a lot of money just for it. It had Egyptian motives and all the cards were golden. At first, I was afraid to work with it, since it was such a work of art. But I studied and prayed a lot hoping I'd be in right path to use my talent as better as I could. So, one time I was with some friends and the matter popped up in conversation. I wasn't sure if it would work but they asked me to do a reading for each. And so I did.

When I ended up both, I could only see two astounded faces. They said that as far as they could tell, I was oh so very close to what was happening to them. That made me happy, because there were aspects of their lives that despite me being their friend I could not know. And I truly was happy because I was using my Gift well! And it wasn't a phony, it was the real thing.
After that I only accepted doing readings for friends who were in need and no, I did not accept anything in exchange except their gratitude and friendship. Truly happy days I lived back then.

Of course, life has always ways to turn you up side down and I went through some times that I
completely forgot the meaning of what I had promised myself and also forgot my Gift. I forgot the Rules and that made me pay a price. At some point, I forgot all about the Arts and lived each day on a self-loathing basis. I even thought I had lost my deck, and when that happened, I also felt I had lost my Gift. I never touched anything related to the Arts since then.
Troubled times ensued, but I managed to overcome them.
Lots of things changed, time passed and I soon found myself with a renewed fascination for the Arts again. So I began searching. I searched for my books, my writings. And I got it all, except for one thing, my Tarot deck. I have to say I was very sad, for it was one of my most treasured things.
I was like so, until someone needed the Cards again. I was asked if I still did the readings. I said I did them a long time ago, haven't done it in a while. But the situation at hand required it from me. So, I thought hard and turned my house up side down, for it was an important situation and guidance was needed. One way or another. I remember having my grandmother mad at me for I was really turned into a hell hound, thrashing the house looking for them. Then I smiled. And cried at the same time, of joy.
I had found my deck, among some old stuff I kept away. I brought them into my room but then it hit me. I don't have It anymore, so why am I doing this? As I said before, I thought I had lost my abilities when I lost my deck, for I hadn't been able to guard such a precious Gift and now, lawfully, it had been taken away from me. Now that I had the deck in my hands, I was not sure If I wanted to do it anymore. I withdrew the deck from its box and unwrapping it from the white cloth I keep it in. I sat by the small table I have in my room as doing my own rituals as I do before any reading. I really hoped the cards gave us some kind of answer.
I did the spread and before any deep analysis, I could tell it was not very good.
Despite the overall feeling of uneasiness of being the bearer of not so very good news, I was extremely happy. For what I had seen in the Cards conveyed to what was happening, to what had happened without me having a prior knowledge of it all. As for what shall happen, the Cards do not lie. Only people can change their destiny. And it's up to us to be happy. Happiness is not a gift, it's a state for which all of us try to achieve. And we can only do that with hard work, open hearts and minds. Good things come not to those who wait, but for those who work hard and whose spirits are open to life's twists and turns and accept that as a part of the trials that God has set upon us.

Now I know, the Gift has never left me. I just didn't look for It in the right places. The Gift has never left me, it was I who abandoned It's Ways. It was always there, hoping for me to find it again by myself. And I did, for my need to help others was greater than any other need.

"Help thy brother, selflessly, expecting nothing in return and the Lord shall reward you." Well, I don't know if the words are correct, but what counts is the meaning.

I am far from being perfect and just like the Prodigal, I still have many miles to walk and many lessons to learn to be able to return to my Father.

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To no one in general and someone in particular

"Close my eyes
underneath a full moon who shares her smile
here I'll wait just for her entrance
soft words spoke but heard aloud
she holds me here
but she can't hear what's on my heart screaming

can you stay for awhile or just forever
open eyes
you're gone

when I find you,
you go away
close my eyes for another day
just to find you
here I'll pray
make a wish for you to stay
just forever

reach to light
throwing smiles that will last forever
she renames mountains for me
afraid to leave
afraid to open my eyes to my loss
perfectly she holds my face screaming

can you stay for awhile or just forever
open eyes
you're gone

when I find you, you go away
close my eyes for another day
just to find you
here I'll pray
make a wish for you to stay

when I find you
you go away
close my eyes for another day
just to find you
here I'll pray
make a wish for you to stay
just forever."

Dear Kuru-san:

With all that has been happening around me lately, I have no possible excuses not to say I have ignored you. But I have to say I miss you. I am sorry that I haven't been able to talk with you properly in the meanwhile. This song is for you, I thought, to be a good way to say how I miss you, how I love you and how it is hard for me to be away from you. I want to set something. If for any earthly reason or not, for any reason at all, you decide that you don't want to be part of my life in the terms that we have set upon, we'll talk about it. No screaming, no arguing, no heart-breaking. People need to be honest with each other and themselves. When it comes, if it comes, just say it if you have too. Say it in my face if you want. Just don't leave me hanging on the edge, between the doubt and obsession.

As far as I've seen, love makes as many casualties than war, if not more and its wounds are far more deeper and harder to heal.


You may be wondering why this display of mine. I wanted to reassure myself and show you that... Well, I think this is a sort of a way to say 'I love you'. I know, I haven't said it before to you. But I will definitely will when I see you again. It will have such a meaning to me then. I don't need to think anymore. It's you who I want now, and if by any chance I don't look at you with the same eyes in some morning, I want you to know that when that happens, I will have loved you till then. I hope you understand this clumsy way of mine. I fear for those who are in the threads of such different fates than my own right now. I truly wish that all goes for the best and that no tears must be spilled other than to calm one's pain at the heart for only a moment.

太陽である、愛しています... ♥

When the pain breaks us down

Against my will I decided to post today. I am so not in the mood for anything. As you all know I haven’t been here for a while. Among many issues, some very personal, I’ve been a little in and out of life. Last weekend some gruesome events took place and almost made me do something really stupid. Now, I look back and sometimes I think it might have not been that stupid at all; sometimes I think it would have been uber-stupid. In top of that I am injured, I have developed some kind of tendinitis on my right knee, mostly due to overuse, and an old sprained ankle has resurfaced. So, I’ve been all week under painkillers, ice and careful mobility. Hopefully, I won’t have to undergo any surgery. Let’s pray not.

I am having yet another of my moral dilemmas. I have this individual that is pretty significant to me going through some hardships at the moment. We talk often and I wish I could be of more help. I wish I could have better words to say because honestly I think that I am not… I’m not.

There are times I wished I could talk more affectionately, but I am afraid that my honest and sincere concern and affectionate words could be taken in another completely different way. But I can’t help it and it’s bottling up inside me. I wish sometimes I could go up to them and just hug them when they are in need. To say that all is going to be alright in the end. And I cried today because it’s not fair! NOT FAIR! To care so much for someone who says that it’s not possible to them to live without love. If I were to kill myself every time I went through that I would have died 4 times! And here is a person, a friend seeing those words in front of their eyes and not being able to do anything. If much, put some sense into a couple of heads. It hurt inside when I read what some of the words that were written. I don’t want to feel what I felt when I read that. It’s really hard to want to do something that you know you can’t/won’t do because of the possible disapproval. It’s taking some toil in me.

Persona non grata is almost my nickname and it’s something I should bare till the day people start to realize I have feelings too. I have done and put a lot in this life alone. I am tired of backing people off. I am so afraid of being alone that I don’t let people get to me. If they do, I just probably do some crap or start detaching myself because I don’t want to hurt them, or me. But God, never underestimate the power of human warmth. I think I have been letting mine slip away. Now here I am, wanting to bring comfort to someone I truly care about and I am afraid. It’s like 4AM and I can’t sleep.

This is a song I got like three days ago and I can’t think of any other that could help lift up the fucked up mood I’m in right now. ( ; _ ; )

It’s a change
That reaches down and suddenly lifts you
At the end of a rainy day when you sat alone and cried
It’s a sign that let’s you know there’s a life awaiting
The day you make your peace with the love in you that died

When the pain dies down
And the dam becomes a river
And the fire burns out
Under the rain
Can you feel it now?
It’s gone from you forever
Fading out
Under the rain

Like a train
That takes its time pulling outta the station
It’s a dream
That comforts you in the middle of the night
It’s a song
That carries you to a better emotion
And now, now
You know it’s gonna be alright

When the pain dies down
And the dam becomes a river
And the fire burns out
Under the rain
Can you hear me now?
A simple conversation
Fading out
Under the rain

The past is there behind you
And nothing is forever
And dancing on the river again

When the pain dies down
And the dam becomes a river
And the fire burns out
Under the rain
Can you feel it now?
It’s gone from you forever
Fading out
Turning away

I wish I was a better person. In every aspect of my soul

Strike!!!!!!!!

Random babblings

Life: Life is never what you expect it to be. No matter how many plans you have designed to run your life, there are always some minor flaws to those plans. Well, let me congratulate you if you're one of the lucky ones to have such minor flaws. You see, there are people like me in which 'minor flaw' does not exist in our dictionary. Ever heard the word 'walking catastrophe'? Well, that's more like us.

I wish I was one of those people that always have a back-up plan or even think in advance of things. But no. I am a person that lives the now and seldomly thinks of the future. I should pay more attention to that. I usually go MacGyver when it comes to life. Though I do not own a Swiss pocket knife and I do not make batteries outta chocolate.

I do not consider myself an envious person, but when it comes to that, I wish I was more like you life-organized people.

Life issue: checked. Or is it really?

Love: Oh man... You don't wanna go that alley, believe me. OK, I don't think I have been very fortunate on what relates to that subject. But I must say I haven't been miserable either. I think I have met the right people, although all on really bad times. As they say, if it was on another time and place... Enough said.

Love issue: Not checked till next reincarnation.

Money: Hmm.. nope, can't complain about that. At least something has to go well, right?

Money issue: checked.
Summary: Life is tough, love is tougher and money doesn't buy any of the above. I'm doomed

Listening: Remember - Josh Groban (in love!! with the song)

P.S.- *sigh* I know you're happy. But I'm sad. I am not part of that happiness or even the reason why you're happy. I blew it when I had the chance. Oh well... I'm not complaining...

I wish I was...( ._.)

Morning came and I was so distant...

I got into bed really late. Had about 3 hours sleep. Funny, I don't feel tired at all.

I feel sick, absent and less than human.

Also the fact that I am clammed with work till my throat doesn't help either.

I hate deadlines. They make you to have to rush into something and oblige to it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against working. Getting like 10 important things to do all at the same it does a little mess in my bio-clock.

Hmm... that thing. I think it's ticking again.


Maybe it's just the pieces of my heart going against each other.

I need some glue for the soul

Grimm Love

*heavy heavy sigh*
I'm home.
I wish I wasn't. In fact I wish I hadn't left at all. Well, partially.

I had a text message earlier from a friend of mine. Here is the transcripts in general lines.

Friend:Are you free tonight?
Me:Well quite not free. What's up?
F:Wanna go out, have some dinner?
Me:Hmm, dunno. Why don't you come over, we can eat here. I am filled with work.
F:Nuh uh. Get dressed and be ready at the Forum 8 o'clock sharp.
Me:*groans internally*Pff fine...

I did some more work and got ready. Nothing really fancy, it was just the two of us having dinner. I got there, sharp as always. I see my friend at the rendez-vous point as agreed. Only she wasn't alone, another guy was with her.

'Oh crap.'

"Hey! You're here!" She said broad smile.
"Yes! Yes I am!" I said with my best 'put-a-stick-up-yer-ass-and-bare-it' smile.
"Great!" She introduced the guy to me and we all went for a coffee. So far so good.

Ok, so we're at the coffee shop and she says she's gotta go.
'What? No!!'
"Erm... You can't go! How about dinner?"
"Exactly. Here's your company for tonight missy!" Smug smile.
(º_º) *desert wind passes by me and cold sweats too*
"N..no you didn't underst.."
"Have fun you two! Gotta run!"

I looked at my cup. *sigh*

After a little small talk we decided to watch a movie. 'Grimm Love' was the chosen one. We actually didn't know what it was about. So turns out it was about that German guy that met another guy and ate him. Literally, ate him. It happened like 4 years ago or so. Oh and it was a lil' pro gay. So when the eatee was with the boyfriend (shock! guys kissing) he was like oh man, I didn't know it was like this. I said I didn't mind seeing guys kissing. Oh boy..
The movie went on and he was putting the 'charms' (as if) on me. I wanted to get out. Well, not only because of him but because I wanted to go to the bathroom.

The movie ended (thank god I was tired sick of taking his hand off of my knee). I was starving so we went for a bite (how appropriate for such a movie...) and talked some more. In fact he is a bit interesting. Not enough. At all!

The dreaded moment: Home ride.

Well as a gentleman he brought me home. We were talking in the car and he asked me a kiss. I felt flattered, really. But I said I couldn't. He was disappointed as expected. I hated this.
Then he invited me for a coffee tomorrow. I said yes reluctantly. Then he said he needed to use the bathroom. Ok, the guy just needs to pee.
We walked up to my place and I showed him the bathroom then we sat in my room. I made some coffee and we sat again. He asked again if he could get a kiss.

"It goes against my principles to kiss on a first date." I said half smiling.
"You go all the way instead?" He said giggling. I didn't think it was funny. He acknowledged that. "Hey look at the time. I should be going." He added. I simply nodded.

As I was walking him to the door, I kissed him. No, don't get me wrong. Yes I kissed him close to the lips, but it was a thank you kiss and nothing more.
"I know what's going on." He said. "I wouldn't do anything you wouldn't me wanted to." Here the gentleman again.
"It's not that.." Side glance.
"She told me."
"Told what?" Front look.
"Your selectiveness. Apparently I am not in the list." Wow that was a polite way to put it...
"Huh, well I guess..."
"I don't mind. Tell me how."
Whoa Nelly! Dumbfounded here.
"I don't think it's a good idea..."
He just looked at me. *big internal groan here*

We got back into the room. I looked at him blank as we sat in the floor.
"Now what?"
"Now I'll be who ever you want me to be." Wtf is he talking about?! Not in a million years. He could NEVER be... "I will do as you say."

This can't be good.

(For the purposes of integrity of this blog, I will not depict the following scene. Only some thoughts. Sorry you pervs!)

This is sooo weird. I can't! No way!! Not feeling a thing, just purely physical. Well at least he's being faithful to the deal. Oh my god what am I thinking?! A deal! *squirm, breath* OK, OK... if he's like this might as well enjoy it.

Then I thought of her.

No!! Not now!*squirm, breath breath*

Her.

*breath breath*

Her.

*breath*

I could not bring myself to open my eyes. I felt the moist in them as I sat in the bed. I still had her in my head, I could see her still behind my closed eyes. He sat as well.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah I'm fine. Huh, I think you should go now."
"Wha'?"
"Please go."
He left and I put my back against the closed door and cried.

Girls would kill to have a guy like him. Why do I just wanna kill myself?

I went to brush my teeth and I was like brushing them for ages since a roomie came to the bathroom and I got back into reality.
"Ya know, if ya keep brushing like that you'll gonna get bleedy gums."
"Sorry, I was just finishing."
"You OK?"
"Yeah, just peachy." I got back to my room and closed the door.

The room seems different. I dunno, I feel strange in here. It shouldn't have happened.

Dunno if I will get some sleep tonight.

I just want to be held. Stroke my hair, hold me tight and tell me everything is gonna be all right.

But it will not.

I don't fell all right.

I fell down terrible awful.

Wouldn't you?

Right now I'm lost in my weakness
In my selfish handmade pain
No way I'll let it go now
I've tried before, I've learned I can't

Weakly I destroy my hope
Turning it into fear
I can't help myself
Like someone is taking over control

I need you.

New song...

The world has failed us both

Sometimes simply
let me be alone
The empty bottles like corpses bleed
That's your ghost I need to keep.

To make you feel better about yourself
what was I doing wrong about you?

I've never been myself.

I'm able to see you better
inside the rooms that don't belong to you.
We fought for so long
We wasted everything

Dark lights under the bridge
We spoke by the torchlight
Now, listen when I die.

Fallen

(._.) *sigh* this song is beautiful and this is the mushy moment of a lousy week and I am not feeling very OK...

Through the looking glass

Emmeleia

I have to say, I love this song. It's so deep. And yet so simple. For me, it does not reflect any signs of tragedy. Yes, it's solemn, but a solemn stern. Almost spartan. Oh and related to spartan, I am dying to see "300". I feel I am going to like it. Anyway, 'nuff of babbling. As I said I was going to post 2 posts today and with different natures.
I've had some epiphanies along my life. Some I acknowledged them right away, others it took me some time. Other's even a longer time. Some I never quite understood.
Well today I dunno what happened. Dunno if it was a prank from The Powers Above or just some twist of some fate. The last place I ever expected something like this to happen, oh well...
Practice. I had practice around 7.30PM today and as usual I wasn't merry but I wasn't cranky. I got there, paid my monthly fee and proceeded to the locker room. Not empty, not full either.
I took off my suit and got dressed. When I went to the stairs (we have to cross some stairs in order to access the dojo) someone called something like ‘Hey wait.’ And I turned and waited. It was another girl, already in keikogi (I had never seen her before in other classes), only more graduated than me. I made like a surprised look, never thought there were more gals in that class (so far I’ve met like three but one doesn’t count, she’s like 6 xD). And she said something along the lines: “So, you practice here too?”. And thus, some scarce introductions were made on the way up and we still chatted a little in the dojo, if it wasn’t our Sensei to remind us class was about to begin. It was cool. At least I am not the only one there. Ok, almost two hours later, class was over and we all were leaving the dojo. I was making some small talk with the guys left as they packed their gear and folded their black hakamas. They cool too. I am glad ‘cos I am there not for a long time but everyone is being really nice (^_~)b Anyway, she was also talking to the Sensei (for what I gathered, she does not come to our dojo very often; oh ain’t just my lucky day lol) and I was quite killing some time so we’d leave like almost at the same time. I left first anyway but we met again in the lockers, talked some more. Left to the street, talked some more. Subject: Hmm.. relationships. :\ I really wanna laugh here. LOL! There. Ok I wanted to put a little of the talk, except it’s a little fuzzy in my head (^_^)’ Hehe can’t remember well really...
So, she was like waiting for her lift and I was waiting for my bus and she goes like: “Hey are you going to the Summer camp?” (well it’s not a Summer camp really, I can’t remember the word...)
“What Summer camp?” Really, I didn’t know.
“Oh! You have to gooooo! It’s soooo cool!”
“Well, when is it? I have to see ‘cos of my exams...”
“Not sure, first or second week in August. You HAVE to go!” Well, if instead of convincing me to go to that camp, she was selling some kind of useless over-priced gadget to me, I’d buy it. She was being really persistent. In a good way I suppose.
I giggled.”Ok, I’ll go.”
She seemed to look happy when I said that. Her lift arrived. “Will you go?” I asked.
“Definitely!” She said smiling. “My ride’s here. Nice meeting you!” She kissed me on the cheek (I have to refer this because.. God I dunno why! I mean, maybe it was just my impression. The thing is... Ok, when you meet like someone for the first time, no matter how extrovert you are, you’re always a little reserved, right? I know I maybe overreacting or just extrapolating or hyperbolating but... I am debating myself on what choice of words should I use here... Yin says write write write, Yang says well, things happen sooner or later. Why the regrets? So, what felt was: she kissed me like we’ve known for ages. Really! It was a strong, heart-felt kiss. And I say once again, maybe it’s only me and I could be way way away from the truth. But it was how I felt. Goddamn we south europeans and our ways! Shouldn’t be simpler if we were more like formal british people who shake hands, don’t kiss?! Three words: It was weird. And funny though.) We said goodbyes and each took our ways. I walked a few meters to the bus stop with my hands fidgting inside my hoodie’s pockets. I know. I had a stoooopid, silly smile on my face while I crossed the street..(¬_¬) I was looking at the lamp next to me and looking like goddamned Goofy! Danggit!

The way home it was pretty much blank, since I don’t remember anything I might have thought while on the bus (I do remember I came all the way looking through the window if that’s much of a help). I am surprised I could manage to get home, all things considered. I took a shower, had some dinner and room. Been working since I got home. OK, so now I ask... What tha hell was that?!
*sigh*

Sanvean (I am your shadow)

This song is absolutely beautiful. I cried the first time I heard it. Now, it just makes me warm and fuzzy inside. And I think of her.

I think I got ‘em butterflies fever comin’ up.. ( ._.) Grrr!

Monokuro mood

(Note: today I will post two posts. I know, they have utterly different messages but I do it 'cos I just feel like it.)

In myself, I see no dreams, like unpainted pictures

How many times must I fill this canvas?
I'll abandon time as I hold a white flag overhead
I am your unknown color now.

--Colors, Utada Hikaru

I need to get out. I have to get out of here. Of this place, of this house, of this body. I need to shed my skin and grow a new one. Start over. People should have chances in life like this. I am tired and weary of the same face everyday. I look at me and I see nothing. The blank look, the rings around my eyes denote exhaustion. I want a new body I want a new soul. It's like a merry-go-round, except I don't have any tickets left for another ride. Anyway what for? What is the purpose of living a life alone. I'm not afraid of saying it anymore. Before I thought it was a sign of weakness if I showed others my weaknesses. Now, I don't care. I am too indifferent to it. I want something more. Something that fulfills me, something I call it my own. I thought that some loneliness was alright. I was always the loner kind. I was alone, but never lonely. That was what I thought. How can you teach someone who spent her life shutting other people out to let them in again? I'd say it's a pretty tough thing. But hey that's only me.

Is it too selfish of me or too stupid if I say I miss the feeling of an embrace, the warmth of a kiss or even the touch of hands in my hair?

Because if it is, I already said it and I really do miss it.

It's been a long time.

Too long.

Empty Paper

(note: should have posted this last night, but I fell asleep)

Give me a piece of paper and I'll write

My whole life for you down I think
I'll return an empty paper but
Don't throw it away, it's still my life
Maybe I'll ever write a word when I've found it
Yes, I'm looking for it but it is hard to find

Please give me a another reason to live cause
Mine is total lost and now i am ashamed
Of myself cause I'm not happy I'm
Blaming the whole world of things they
Really did but I cannot smile from inside out
Yes, I'm working on it but it is hard to find

I think I've found it but
I can't say i missed you my whole life
That would be stupid and I'm not and that's a lie

Let me just believe in my lies or tell me the truth
Choose and come to tell what you decided
And then I'm ready to take me for all that I am
Yes, then I'm ready to take me for all that I am

I think I've found it but
I can't say i missed you my whole life
That would be stupid and I'm not and that's a lie

Give me a piece of paper

--lyrics by Astrid van der Veen


Can't find a better thing to express my mood right now. It's somewhere between a rock and a hard place, though I'm not really sure where that is.. I could ramble in here about it, but I just won't do it.
To make a long story short: I think it was Jesus who said (well it's in the Bible, I s'pose) if someone slapped you across your face that you should give 'em the other cheek. Good ol' Jesus... You can tell he wasn't used to deal with us mortals. Really. Ok, so I got a a big time, ol' fashioned slap on my face today. I didn't give no other cheek. I just stood there, heck if I was supposed to get the hell beaten outta me, I wouldn't have moved a finger. I couldn't. I shouldn't.

I had dinner alone. No, not at home. That would have been even more pathetic. I kept my word and appeared at the restaurant.
"Excuse me I had a reservation for tonight. Turns out it'll only be me."
"Of course Miss, no problem. Right this way please."

I sat, ordered and ate in silence. Nothing I would say or think would make any sense. I wasn't making any sense to me at least. I got a few looks around, among the occasional family or even the so-much-in-love traditional couple, actually there were like two or three people eating by themselves as well. Probably some lonely hearts club members too. Ok, I am making assumptions here. But it goes as they say, 'it takes one to know one'.
I paid my tab and came home.

Home.

Well it's my home now.

Good thing I got no roomies still here.

It's better like this.