A rush of blood to the head

(Note: this should have been posted EARLIER but I am still on the rebound. God I am getting too old for nights out...)

Yes I am tired. However I still managed to say yes, I'll go out tonight. Again. The will wasn't very strong I have to confess, but I guess that the fact of reviewing old faces was somewhat appealing.

I kind of had dinner in a hurry.
"Don't wait for me tonight. I'm going out."
A little patronizing chat and I'm off. I don't care, I want to go out and I want to have some slack. So just gimme a break.

I met my friends almost half way to the first stop of the evening. It was a chilly night and there weren't many people in the streets. I was greeted warmly, some belated congrats and hugs and kisses for everyone. I didn't feel warm at all. "We need to get some drinks!" One says. "Looks like we're a little grumpy tonight...” I got a small nudge on my elbow. "Yeah, let's go."
We had some shots, a few toasts (yes, I believe toasting to the Chinese New Year is in fact a must...) and we took off. Ok, the first drinks warmed me a little inside. But still, I was cold. I enjoy going out with the gang, don't misunderstand me. I love 'em a dearly. But I guess I wasn't really on the mood.
We walked a while to the next stop. When we got there it was barely empty.
"Let's sit here for a while." Sure why not?

From a far, I spotted another friend of mine. She waved and signaled me to join. I was happy to see her. The how's you and how's everything ensued. We sat by a nearby table. "Ok, now we can put all the gossip up to date." She said giggling. We spoke for like an hour, had a couple of drinks. Then one of the gals I was with came up to us. "Hey we're hitting other place, wanna go?" Yea, it was getting a little crowded by now. The original foursome was now an original half dozen (some people got glued to us) and we merrily left that club. At least they were nice. And funny.
The last place for the night was pretty empty when we got there. It stayed like that at least till 4, 4.30AM. We got there and went to feed the little monsters in our stomachs. The dance floor had some scarce dancers and we were still a little sober to start dancing. But as the night progressed we let go and just danced away. One of the guys I went with came by, followed by two other people. At first, it was a little difficult to see them due to the light, darkness and smoke, altogether. I thought I wasn’t interested in them until I looked their way… Strangers to me, I never seem ‘em around before. The introductions were scant and I sort of got they’re names in the air, a few minutes later. The loud music didn’t help either. I continued dancing, but I caught something in the corner of my eye (damn, can’t seem to let go of the logical observer in me) I took sometime watching them. Stranger no.1 seemed good-hearted and funny but stranger no.2... Well, I can say it kinda dropped a penny behind my ear (insert sigh and phwoar! here) I noticed that I had drastically reduced the amount of movement and just leaned against a wall, staring. You know, really staring. I got a look back, then a grin. A grin? (well, we all gathered our coats, bags and stuff together, so they knew I was in the group) and as expected, I totally blew my cover (if I had any) and shot out the most blank look ever (I know I did…). A friend of mine came by. “Aren’t you gonna dance?”
Brain working again. “I need a drink, be back in a sec.” I moved through the loose/compact crow, up to the bar. Ok, drink, freshen up, go back there and act as if nothing happened. Indeed, nothing had happened. No, something happened.
I got back to the dance floor. Again, the wall seemed so appealing. I was having my drink when I am sort of bumped off by someone. No drink spilled, great! “Hey watch your way.” I said, not pissed or anything, it’s just a must to get bumped when I go out. “SORRY!” I heard out loud. Omfgjbcwahitgwyn1?! (Oh my friggin gawd Jesus bloody Christ where’s a hole in the ground when you need one?!) It was stranger no. 2.
“Hey, it’s you!”
“Huh… hey back.” I said, stirring my drink with the straw.
“Having a break?”
“Just a drink.” I lifted the bottle nonchalantly.
“Oh, I should have one too. Want one?” I was offered.
“No thanks, I’m fine.”
“Alright, be right back.” I saw a grin again.
Nonononono. When do we leaaaave?
It wasn’t long before stranger no.2 got back with a filled glass. “Hey you still here!”
“Hehe… yea” I answered.
“Good! Wanna go dance?” The glass was put in one of the holders and I was offered an extended hand.
O_o ohhh boy…
“You know, I don’t really dance.” Strike one.
“I saw you dance earlier.” A chuckle. I really wish you didn’t smile so much, doesn’t help…
“No, I mean well, I don’t dance well.” Strike two.
“Hmm, then you were faking that huh?” Silly smile.
“I…” Striiiike three, you’re out!
“C’mon, you can teach me how to fake how not to dance.”
Swept, I was literally swept unto the floor. Oh my god… this can’t end up well.

The music was pumping but the moves were soft, not matching at all the electronic beat. If someone was nervous, you couldn't tell. At least for that... The gap between us was decreasing. One confident, another a little uneasy. Two worlds seemed to collide. I wanted to move loosely, but something kept me in place. As the electronic beat slowed, I felt strong arms around me, coming from behind. "So, now you can show me your 'I-dunno-how-to-dance-but-really-can-break-some-moves' dance." I hear the words being slurred on my ear and the arms got tighter around me. I soo need to get outside.
“Sorry, I just need to go out a little…”
“You ok? Want me to go with you?”
“No, no. I’ll be right back.” I made a feeble smile and moved away.
Big breath. Outside me and my conscience (can I call it that? Sometimes I think I am more conscientious than my own conscience!) I can’t, I can’t! Hmm who says you can’t? I mean I could but I won’t. Why not? I think it’s clear we like each other’s company.. Yeah you do! C’mon get back in there and enjoy it while it’s still hot girl!! (I swear, I dunno where my conscience gets that… Not from me!)
I got back inside. All the gang was nowhere to be seen so I assumed they went for the lounge part of the club. I strolled my way up there and got some funny faces as I got there. “Hey, thought you’d gone home!”
“Where were you?”
I didn’t bother answering; I merely slumped into a free space on the couch and asked for a drink. Didn’t take long till I had one in front of me, compliment of stranger no.2. Oh you’re still here… The space next to me was promptly occupied. “So, where were you?” I am asked with a smile.
Don't smile... No, smile! “Sorry I ditched you back there, I needed a little air.” I honestly said.
“Oh no problem.” Politeness is really a great thing, but I think I can see past that. I sensed a little hurt. “Look…” I begin.
A friend of mine sat on the couch too, we shifted a little and we got closer. “Do I make you nervous?” Stranger no.2 really has a way with looks.
Blank stare again. Oh my what makes you think such thing?! "Nervous? Why do you say that?" Lame, I know.
“Well I got that from earlier when I asked you to dance." I was about to reply.
"Please tell me I am wrong.” Long meaningful look. Oh dear… How… What do I say now?
“You don’t.” I looked right back. Hey it’s not only you who can put tha looks!
“Good. Wanna go dance now?” Stranger no.2 gracefully stood up. I stood up as well.
“I told you, I dunno how to dance.”
“Let me decide that.” And we walked, hand in hand to the dance floor.

It must have been an hour later when my friends came by us to let know we should be going soon. I believe it was about almost 6AM when we paid out tabs and delivered the cards. I said goodbye to stranger no.2 in a very formal way (it was awkward I must say). A simple nice meeting you, take care and see ya around was enough. I got one more dazzling smile, a kiss on my cheek and then we were off.

Ok back in the street things were different. I got all friggin bombarded with questions, my friends can be really nosy :\ Most of the questions I didn’t even know the answer. In the car, things were calmed down by a notch. It was only me and a friend of mine, she was driving me home.
“So, are you gonna see each other again?”
“Dunno, we didn’t talk about that.”
“WHAT? You spent most of the night talking and, and together! What do you mean you didn’t talk about that?!” I still have that scream in my head…
“We just didn’t.” I simply said.
“Okaay…One of two in here. Either you’re afraid of something working out here or you’re not interested. Just between you and me, I don’t think it’s the last one.”
“If you think I am gonna answer that, wrong. I need to sleep.”
“Don’t you mean think?” She offered with a sarcastic smile.
I nodded. “Probably.”
A few minutes later we got to my stop. “We’ll talk tomorrow ok? Get some ‘rest’ will ya?”
“Ha ha, very funny.”
She drove off and I got inside.

I think my head was at 1000mph when I entered my room. As I proceeded to undress myself, I put my hands in the several pockets I had, taking the several scattered coins I had in them. Hmm, a paper? Must be some check. It was folded in two, so I unfolded it. No it wasn’t a check, it was a note. Wha’? H.. How did it get here?
The writing was small; the letters were clear and firm.

I loved tonight, just wanted you to know.
Hope we can talk again, I’d like that.
Tell me what you think :)
Kisses.

A phone number was on the piece of paper as well.
I have to say I was dumbfounded. I mean, who wouldn’t right? I looked at it for quite a while.
It was very sweet I must confess. And romantic, wouldn’t you say? Well I do. I am a helpless romantic so that hit the bull’s eye… The whole thing all seemed to fit so well. Nothing like this has happened to me before, so I only assume it’s natural for me to be a little perplexed, amazed and fuzzy inside (I’m having a bad case of butterflies in my stomach…) at the same time.

I got into bed and only woke up this afternoon.

I didn’t dream in my sleep.

The day was rather busy after I woke up, so I didn’t have time to think about any of the past events.

Now, it’s nearly 3AM and I have the paper by my nightstand. Haven’t touched it since last night. I have picked my phone several times.

*sigh*

Could be, that some kind of happiness, is just one phone call away?

Valentine where art thou?

Hey people!

Today I am just gonna post an informal post (yeah right, like if all the others were formal...). Nah nothing like it. Today as you all know it's Valentine's Day... Ahhh, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and a sweet breeze filled the air just like a beautiful spring day. I woke up pretty late today, since I am on sort of a break here. You may ask what's that got to do with it? Nothing, I just have to write stuff here (^^_)
But anyway... Valentine's Day, I have to say it's not a special day to me at all. Not like other big days y'know? Ok, so you buy something for your significant other (I love this expression...) and profess undying love? Phwack! On a special day... Hmm... On my POV that should be done everyday (well, not the professing undying love, it starts to get annoying at some point..) but that's that! I really think Valentine's Day is a bit sucky. And not for personal reasons. I don't hold any meaning to it, it's the silliest holiday ever. But even so I had a nice day. I went shopping! I bought 3 books which I am dying to read, clothes and some 'puter accessories (basic stuff, an optic mouse for the laptop and some pen tip thingy) But I hold some meaning to this day. Apart for not having that significant other around (or anywhere to be seen...) I'd like to project my love-y fellings in a constructive way, so I sort of made this.



I think it's self-explanatory lol. So friends, wherever you are, I love you! (^_^)' hehe I know...


P.S.- To a general significant other: I know you're out there, somewhere, just a matter of time. To a specific significant other: If you happen to be on the 'hood, you know where I live. Knocking on the door or ringing the bell won't cause your hand to fall... Same applies to phone texts or calls.

Good things come to those who wait

Yes, another year has passed. Funny, I really do feel older! In fact, it wasn't an out of ordinary day to me. I had an exam today (sucks having such meatballs right on your birthday (-_-)' ), I had lunch with my grandparents ( :,) ) I finished moving stuff to the new house ( *tired sigh*) and I went to have dinner with a friend of mine. Nothing fancy, we both needed that time to have some heart-to-heart talk and sort some things out. Didn't go quite as expected, but it didn't suck really. The sushi was great and the ambiance fantastic! We still headed back to my place to get some coffee and talk some more. It warmed me a little inside :)

But other things warmed me inside today too! And others did not.
First, good things! I'm glad to know that I'm in the hearts of many people, for some have graced me with the acknowledge of my birthday and let me know they cared or didn't forget, whether by text message whether by a call or simply face to face. I want to thank those people for remembering. :) I don't make a big deal of my birthday but it was nice to know that if I wanted to gather some friends around and celebrate the simple fact that I am here, I would not be displeased with who'd sit at my table.
Second, funny how destiny sets you up. Today I had word (well and sound too) of a friend I had not spoke in quite a long time. Hmm, I think 'friend' is a little underestimated here... We had a thing for each other. But then each went our ways and we didn't spoke since. We were talking over MSN and actually I should feel bad about this (shouldn't I?) but she's kinda down because she broke up with someone and I was sorry for that truly, I told her. I mean when I break up with someone I truly wish for them to have a very happy life however that is! So, we were talking and I started thinking about all the times I thought about her and the times I wished I had had the opportunity to talk to her just... because. I had missed her. She made me feel good. And happy. Anyway we were talking and I asked her (lol she already said goodbye) if she still had her number (the one I still had). She said yea, why? And I said, nothing really just asking. She asked if I still had mine, and I said yes. A sort of a pause ensued and then she asked if I'd like her to text me or I text her (kinda don't remember) and I said sure why not. So we said goodbye. I went to have dinner and it was like a couple of hours later, my phone was ringing. It was her. I waited for the third ring and picked up. God, I didn't know what to say to her! Sounds really dumb right? With someone like me, words don't seem to fail... Wrong! Ok, so we talked a while. It was so nice to hear her again. Maybe I am applying the wrong word here, but I felt some closure at that point. But I fell bad 'cos she was kinda feeling down.. But I missed her! I didn't take any advantage, did I? Please say I didn't... It would ruin what I am feeling right now. I am really happy we talked and to know she's ok and that she likes to talk to me. That's that. Oh and when she hung up I kinda jumped around a little.. (o_O) Don't ask why, I dunno!

Now to the less happy things. Well, I have to say that I am in no way mad or anything like it, maybe just a little (little really) hurt. There were some people I considered to be special in some sort of a way, that by chance, plain forgetfulness (hey that happens!) or any other perfectly logical reason did not talk to me. Note: I want to add that this is not a display of egocentric behavior, some people I consider them as my friends and I expected them to be 'here' for me as I was for them (a birthday is by far, a less complicated situation than some I have experienced with some of them). I believe that remembering a friend's birthday is some sort of commitment we have with our REAL friends. People who truly know me, know that I don't care for gifts. I care for who cares for me. So, I am not blaming or attacking anyone here, I just want to say that today I was a little hurt but I will keep treating people the same way I have always done. I don't have much of a family, you all know that. So, my friends are my family. But I want this to be noted I am not mad or am I charging anything here to anyone. I do not keep resent to anyone.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
If you had only your friends as you family, would you like them to forget about you?

Epilogue: Well, overall it was a good day. I didn't fight with anyone, no one fought me, I had gifts I liked a lot, some I liked a little less, I am healthy, I have some economic power and I have a roof and food. I have my good friends close and my best friends even closer (the heart is a very small muscle, but it has lotsa space! You all fit in mine! xD) I had an ' it was', an 'it is', an 'it will be', a 'what could have been' and a 'hmm I wonder if..' moments. And as I go to bed, I can still feel my heart warm and fuzzy inside. :)

Good things really come to those who wait.




P.S.- I dunno if you're gonna read this or not but Faye, you really made my day :) Thank you ;)

Two Loves

I dreamed I stood upon a little hill,
And at my feet there lay a ground, that seemed
Like a waste garden, flowering at its will
With buds and blossoms. There were pools that dreamed
Black and unruffled; there were white lilies
A few, and crocuses, and violets
Purple or pale, snake-like fritillaries
Scarce seen for the rank grass, and through green nets
Blue eyes of shy peryenche winked in the sun.
And there were curious flowers, before unknown,
Flowers that were stained with moonlight, or with shades
Of Nature's willful moods; and here a one
That had drunk in the transitory tone
Of one brief moment in a sunset; blades
Of grass that in an hundred springs had been
Slowly but exquisitely nurtured by the stars,
And watered with the scented dew long cupped
In lilies, that for rays of sun had seen
Only God's glory, for never a sunrise mars
The luminous air of Heaven. Beyond, abrupt,
A grey stone wall. o'ergrown with velvet moss
Uprose; and gazing I stood long, all mazed
To see a place so strange, so sweet, so fair.
And as I stood and marvelled, lo! across
The garden came a youth; one hand he raised
To shield him from the sun, his wind-tossed hair
Was twined with flowers, and in his hand he bore
A purple bunch of bursting grapes, his eyes
Were clear as crystal, naked all was he,
White as the snow on pathless mountains frore,
Red were his lips as red wine-spilith that dyes
A marble floor, his brow chalcedony.
And he came near me, with his lips uncurled
And kind, and caught my hand and kissed my mouth,
And gave me grapes to eat, and said, 'Sweet friend,
Come I will show thee shadows of the world
And images of life. See from the South
Comes the pale pageant that hath never an end.'
And lo! within the garden of my dream
I saw two walking on a shining plain
Of golden light. The one did joyous seem
And fair and blooming, and a sweet refrain
Came from his lips; he sang of pretty maids
And joyous love of comely girl and boy,
His eyes were bright, and 'mid the dancing blades
Of golden grass his feet did trip for joy;
And in his hand he held an ivory lute
With strings of gold that were as maidens' hair,
And sang with voice as tuneful as a flute,
And round his neck three chains of roses were.
But he that was his comrade walked aside;
He was full sad and sweet, and his large eyes
Were strange with wondrous brightness, staring wide
With gazing; and he sighed with many sighs
That moved me, and his cheeks were wan and white
Like pallid lilies, and his lips were red
Like poppies, and his hands he clenched tight,
And yet again unclenched, and his head
Was wreathed with moon-flowers pale as lips of death.
A purple robe he wore, o'erwrought in gold
With the device of a great snake, whose breath
Was fiery flame: which when I did behold
I fell a-weeping, and I cried,
Sweet youth,
Tell me why, sad and sighing, thou dost rove
These pleasent realms? I pray thee speak me sooth
What is thy name?' He said, 'My name is Love.'
Then straight the first did turn himself to me
And cried, 'He lieth, for his name is Shame,
But I am Love, and I was wont to be
Alone in this fair garden, till he came
Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill
The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'
Then sighing, said the other, 'Have thy will,
I am the love that dare not speak its name.'

by Lord Alfred Douglas


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Secrètement dans l'obscurité mon Amour
Je reste silencieux
Sauf mon coeur qui crie ton nom...

Toutes les choses tremblement
juste en chuchotant ton nom
Dans le silence de mon âme.

Je t'aime ♥