Part II of a series of unfortunate events...
Today is Monday. Well, was Monday. Some of the latest events cast me further into the pit I am so eagerly wanting to climb and run away.
It's not your fault. I can't help to look at you in a different perspective than the one I should be looking at. Then again, my eyes are not known to look at the obvious...
I have a confession: Now I know what's like to feel jealousy. Of course I have felt it before, but never as much as I did some nights ago.
You're tantalizing.
You bewitch whomever you please, then you leave us dying for your attention. You're evil. But I wonder... Do you even know that you are doing it? Is it intentional or just natural?
Either way, it's tantalizing.
You danced, you pulled me near, I felt the scent of your barely dry hair. You smelt like freshly picked roses, still covered with morning dew. It was one of the most fascinating scents I've ever been exposed to.
But it wasn't just a random act, that one. Throughout the evening, you had the same manners with me, like the waves, reaching the shore one after another. It was not as innocent as one might think.
Then, you changed the object of your attention and I felt as a king, dethroned and exiled to a far away land, to see his kingdom, be pillaged by barbarians.
I stepped aside, looking in the distance. Occasionally, you glanced at me and I could never figure out what those glances meant.
But I do know, I felt jealousy. Of seeing another being near, close to you and daring much more than I did. I felt anger, deceit and angst. How could this happen? Of all the people in the world, why you?
Were the glances you threw me some kind of challenge, an invitation?
I will never know.
And by the holy Providence, today I had the biggest proof that the Universe can be perverse as well... when you sat right between me and your other subject, your other lackey, not even addressing a word to me, giving him so much more of you.
I so wanted to run.
I can't help to think about, the mind runs at the speed of light. I felt things I did not like to feel again. They made me feel uneasy and quite contrary to my character. But who said love or passion are rational?
04 May, 2010
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Anyone but you, Part I:
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
what the hell is going on?
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
Life has so many twists and turns and I should know. Once again, I've been caught in this intricate web of delusions and constraint that keep confusing me, my mind and my heart.
It has been a sort of a build up happening, unrelated events that, so subtly, keep adding up to this state I am in now.
I simply can't be feeling this.
I guess it started a bit more ago than I really think it did. For me, it was only blatantly happening since last week, when we dragged our sorry bottoms into the night, under the petty excuse of going out.
I was tired, I spent the whole day driving up, down and around the town and I got home with the biggest urge to call you or text you and say I was calling it off but I didn't do it. I knew you'd be upset and all, since we we're hyping it up for the whole week. I couldn't simply do that.
So, against my body's pleas and in favor of my mind's whims, I did go out.
The night was not that uneventful, having room for some laughs, alcohol, warm and fuzzy feelings that should have not taken place. Nevertheless, for a moment (or some moments), those thoughts were put aside, every time I argued with myself and strongly shook my head, eyes closed, hoping no one would notice, as if that simple movement would shake off the sinful thoughts that stubbornly kept rushing into my mind.
They just didn't disappear.
Now, more than a week after, I find myself craving for some balance between you and me.
I can only write random thoughts about the things I can only dream of...
