Hoje de manhã estava sentada sozinha num banco à espera do comboio, como de costume, em Sete Rios. Não que tivesse aulas hoje, mas precisei de ir à faculdade entregar uns trabalhos. Já estava há algum tempo sentada, a ler um livrito, quando de repente noto um movimento no canto do olho. Era alguém que provavelmente se ia sentar no mesmo banco. Por mim tudo bem. Não sou daquelas pessoas de ficar com uma carinha de enjoada só porque alguém se resolve sentar no mesmo banco que eu. Mas pronto... A pessoa lá se sentou e eu continuava a ler, muito absorta naquela parte em que o personagem principal subitamente tem uma revelação estrondosa.
-Bom dia.
Eu ouvi qualquer coisa? Nah.. Não, não. Ouvi mesmo. E assim como quem não quer a coisa lá levantei o olhar das páginas do livro. O que vi foi bastante... preenchedor, à falta de palavra melhor.
A rapariga estava com um sorriso delicado, via-se que não era forçado. Eu fiquei assim um bocado aparvalhada, de certeza! Não por isso claro, mas pelo facto desta desconhecida me ter saudado como se me conhecesse de sempre. Em Lisboa, isso é raro. Muito raro.
Eu retribui o cumprimento. Bom dia, disse eu assim meio envergonhada de soslaio. Ela esboçou um sorriso e eu senti qualquer coisa dentro de mim. Parecia que o meu coração tinha aumentado um bocadito dentro da caixa toráxica, tipo como no filme do Grinch (se não viram, vejam) e sorri para mim mesma. Ela então voltou-se para o ecrã com os horários dos comboios e eu, para o livro.
Continuamos sentadas em silêncio. Daí a 3 minutos, o comboio dela chegou. Eu disfarcei que estava a ler enquanto a vi partir.
Muito provavelmente, nunca mais me vou cruzar com ela (ou talvez sim?) pensei eu.
Não sei o nome dela, nem de onde é. Só queria poder agradecer-lhe pelo bom dia que me deu.
Porque o meu dia realmente correu bem.
Graças a ela.
Onde quer que estejas, rapariga do comboio, obrigada. :)
31 March, 2006
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22 March, 2006
Fragment IV or Déjà Vu All Over Again
(Author's Note: Well, it has been a while since I last posted. Lol I don’t even know why I bother, no one reads the stuff I write... (^_^') Oh well, moving to important things, the post. P.S.- This should have been posted a couple of days ago.)
Another Monday.
Classes early. Me no like classes early. But... (wearing mage's cape and magick circle invoked) One must obey its destiny so the prophecy shall be fulfilled! (what the heck am I talking about?) Anyway the thing is I hate Mondays.
Today was going pretty normal (of course "normal" is a rather relative term for me...) I had a class from 9AM to 11AM then a 2 hour break then another class till 2.30PM.
I usually sit alone in every class. I don't want to disturb or get disturbed. Sometimes I can't help it.
So today, on that class, I sat on the desk (which is a two-seat desk) with another girl I kinda know from college.
She's alright.
We kinda have this mutual empathy, balanced empathy. At least that's what I think. She likes stuff I like too and we talk fine too each other.
As I was proceeding to my musings about the problem and the graphics on the wall (my musings didn't go very far... they never do when it's Physics...) I noticed something on the corner of my eye.
She was drawing. Well at first it was a doodle or something. But it was a drawing nevertheless. As it started to take shape, I saw it was an anime-like face.
Now, in the middle of all that, my brained stopped. And I swear I went back in time.
At least 5 years of my life. The happy years of my life.
And I remembered her. For a fraction of second, I was not longer in my present room, I was in my high school classroom (well, one of them) and it was raining outside and she was there. Drawing. The same, kinda anime-like doodles (she never liked me calling it doodles. And was right. They weren't just doodles, it was art. But I only did it to pick on her.)
I was looking at the drawing and it always amazed me how she did it so well, flawlessly I must add, and so perfect. Then again, she is perfect.
I really admired her. But one cannot admire without feeling, and it was them who got me into troubles in the first place. Sometimes, admiration can be mistaken for other kind of feeling, but it's not quite the same...
Everything I was back then and everything we were back then washed over me. It was overwhelming.
After the "Impulse" (that's what I like to call to the unnatural, catastrophic, heart-wrecking situation I caused) we never spoke again. I mean, we do. But it's really like as if we don't. I don't blame her. I only blame myself. Because... just because.
She specifically asked me not to send her anymore birthday cards, X-Mas cards, Halloween... I should never send or address something to her ever again. No contact whatsoever. I stared at the monitor speechless.
You might ask how I felt upon that request. I'll tell you.
I felt like shit.
She was my best friend and NO ONE can imagine the pain of being shut out like that from somebody’s life that you grew to like so much.
I screamed a lot in my room that day. But I respected her decision and for as much as it cost me, I think I kept my promise.
We scarcely spoke again from that day on.
She said she still wanted to be friends with me. Excuse me for what I'm gonna say, but I don't believe that. A friendship needs commitment, if not big enough, then small enough. Just to let the other person know you care and that you're there. I don't feel that coming from her. All I feel is a barrier between us. Like a wall of shame.
She said she wanted to talk to me still, but I don't see any of that. The few times we exchange a few words is over the Internet and it's me who says 'Hi.' most of the time and the talks are really lifeless compares to what we used to have. She's always doing a report or going to bed or she's tired so we just say goodbye like, 5 sentences later. Whenever I intend to start a conversation with her it's really difficult, you know? Should I should I not? It's like if I am afraid, but of what I don't know. We don't have anything in common anymore. We became strangers to one another.
I'm not gonna lie to you. It hurts. It really hurts like Hell. It hurts everyday, every time I think about it. And yeah, I'm crying right now. So what? I still must have some human traits left in this shell my body came to be. Sorry, I can't type and wipe the tears that run through my face at the same time.
I tried to get the old gang together again; talked to them but no one listened.
Guess they we’re too busy to listen to me.
She’s always busy too I guess. Having her perfect little life, with her perfect grades, her perfect family, her perfect friends, her perfect boyfriend.
I turned out to be none of that. Perfect is a word that does not exist on my dictionary nor in my life. It never did.
I am very far from being a normal, good or even being a person once again.
I almost had to have an intake of air when I "returned" because I think my brain cells weren't having enough oxygen. That kinda must have alerted my classmate ‘cos she looked at me somewhat concerned.
“Choke, wrong pipe.” I blurted out. She didn't say a word.
I didn’t look good I suppose. I usually never do after a walk on the memory lane. This wasn’t different from any other I had before.
The class finished soon and I was glad no one asked me funny questions.
Oh, guess what? She and the desk girl, their birthday is on the same day.
Funny, huh?
I don’t think she is gonna read this, but if by any chance she does, all I want to say is that I ask of her not to misinterpret my words. They have no other meanings beyond the presented ones. And since that I’m on a pour-your-heart-out mood, I just wanna say that I miss her and I miss us. We were really close and not in a million years something like that will happen again.
Your friend,
Inês
Another Monday.
Classes early. Me no like classes early. But... (wearing mage's cape and magick circle invoked) One must obey its destiny so the prophecy shall be fulfilled! (what the heck am I talking about?) Anyway the thing is I hate Mondays.
Today was going pretty normal (of course "normal" is a rather relative term for me...) I had a class from 9AM to 11AM then a 2 hour break then another class till 2.30PM.
I usually sit alone in every class. I don't want to disturb or get disturbed. Sometimes I can't help it.
So today, on that class, I sat on the desk (which is a two-seat desk) with another girl I kinda know from college.
She's alright.
We kinda have this mutual empathy, balanced empathy. At least that's what I think. She likes stuff I like too and we talk fine too each other.
As I was proceeding to my musings about the problem and the graphics on the wall (my musings didn't go very far... they never do when it's Physics...) I noticed something on the corner of my eye.
She was drawing. Well at first it was a doodle or something. But it was a drawing nevertheless. As it started to take shape, I saw it was an anime-like face.
Now, in the middle of all that, my brained stopped. And I swear I went back in time.
At least 5 years of my life. The happy years of my life.
And I remembered her. For a fraction of second, I was not longer in my present room, I was in my high school classroom (well, one of them) and it was raining outside and she was there. Drawing. The same, kinda anime-like doodles (she never liked me calling it doodles. And was right. They weren't just doodles, it was art. But I only did it to pick on her.)
I was looking at the drawing and it always amazed me how she did it so well, flawlessly I must add, and so perfect. Then again, she is perfect.
I really admired her. But one cannot admire without feeling, and it was them who got me into troubles in the first place. Sometimes, admiration can be mistaken for other kind of feeling, but it's not quite the same...
Everything I was back then and everything we were back then washed over me. It was overwhelming.
After the "Impulse" (that's what I like to call to the unnatural, catastrophic, heart-wrecking situation I caused) we never spoke again. I mean, we do. But it's really like as if we don't. I don't blame her. I only blame myself. Because... just because.
She specifically asked me not to send her anymore birthday cards, X-Mas cards, Halloween... I should never send or address something to her ever again. No contact whatsoever. I stared at the monitor speechless.
You might ask how I felt upon that request. I'll tell you.
I felt like shit.
She was my best friend and NO ONE can imagine the pain of being shut out like that from somebody’s life that you grew to like so much.
I screamed a lot in my room that day. But I respected her decision and for as much as it cost me, I think I kept my promise.
We scarcely spoke again from that day on.
She said she still wanted to be friends with me. Excuse me for what I'm gonna say, but I don't believe that. A friendship needs commitment, if not big enough, then small enough. Just to let the other person know you care and that you're there. I don't feel that coming from her. All I feel is a barrier between us. Like a wall of shame.
She said she wanted to talk to me still, but I don't see any of that. The few times we exchange a few words is over the Internet and it's me who says 'Hi.' most of the time and the talks are really lifeless compares to what we used to have. She's always doing a report or going to bed or she's tired so we just say goodbye like, 5 sentences later. Whenever I intend to start a conversation with her it's really difficult, you know? Should I should I not? It's like if I am afraid, but of what I don't know. We don't have anything in common anymore. We became strangers to one another.
I'm not gonna lie to you. It hurts. It really hurts like Hell. It hurts everyday, every time I think about it. And yeah, I'm crying right now. So what? I still must have some human traits left in this shell my body came to be. Sorry, I can't type and wipe the tears that run through my face at the same time.
I tried to get the old gang together again; talked to them but no one listened.
Guess they we’re too busy to listen to me.
She’s always busy too I guess. Having her perfect little life, with her perfect grades, her perfect family, her perfect friends, her perfect boyfriend.
I turned out to be none of that. Perfect is a word that does not exist on my dictionary nor in my life. It never did.
I am very far from being a normal, good or even being a person once again.
I almost had to have an intake of air when I "returned" because I think my brain cells weren't having enough oxygen. That kinda must have alerted my classmate ‘cos she looked at me somewhat concerned.
“Choke, wrong pipe.” I blurted out. She didn't say a word.
I didn’t look good I suppose. I usually never do after a walk on the memory lane. This wasn’t different from any other I had before.
The class finished soon and I was glad no one asked me funny questions.
Oh, guess what? She and the desk girl, their birthday is on the same day.
Funny, huh?
I don’t think she is gonna read this, but if by any chance she does, all I want to say is that I ask of her not to misinterpret my words. They have no other meanings beyond the presented ones. And since that I’m on a pour-your-heart-out mood, I just wanna say that I miss her and I miss us. We were really close and not in a million years something like that will happen again.
Your friend,
Inês
13 March, 2006
Amy Lee e Cartoon Network?? :p
Ok, toda a gente pensa que as estrelas de rock, metal ou sei lá mais o quê são obrigatóriamente indivíduos com uma sanidade mental algo questionável. Será pela roupa preta, maquilhagem excessiva?
Bom isso já não sei, agora o que sei é que este vídeo que eu desencantei assim à cogumelo prova o contrário. (^___^)
P.S.- Amy Lee is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! (*_* )
Bom isso já não sei, agora o que sei é que este vídeo que eu desencantei assim à cogumelo prova o contrário. (^___^)
P.S.- Amy Lee is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! (*_* )
08 March, 2006
Fragment III or the case of the lost Ex's
Yesterday I went with some friends to the mall. Oh well as if I had something better to do...
Anyway we went there just to hang out a bit and one of them needs to go and get some money from the ATM. The three of us stand on the line and I, just by a freaking chance, look somewhere else. I shouldn´t have.
I saw an ex of mine just coming in my direction. I totally freaked out! I mean, not externally. My heart just started pounding in my chest and my breathing wasn't better. No, I did not hyperventillate :p But even so... I could NOT speak to her! I mean I could, but my friends were there and I believe that after talking to her, I'd have a lot of explaining to do.. So, I just tried to think rationally (which was a rather hard thing to do at the time..) .
Ok, so she's coming here... But I don't know if she really saw me... like SAW me!
I cut my hair and all.. I think I look very different of when we were together, she may not even recognize me. Oh please don't! Act intelligenty!
Just when she passed by me I turned my back on her and I closed my eyes like if I was in front of a firing squad. (pretty intelligent huh? (¬_¬)) My heart still beat like a hell horse. I closed my eyes tight and I hoped she wasn't there any more. Until I felt a finger poking my shoulder.
"Where's da bomb, Spooks?" (Spooks is kinda my nickname, don't ask..)
Da bomb? Well, da bomb is walking behind me right now, she's 5'7, brown hair, green eyes. Don't pull the trigger or things will blow!
I believe I opened one eye to inspect my surroundings, then the other. It was my friend. Just then I let out the air I was holding.
<(^_^¤)> "Huh... Nothing's wrong! Really... he he" I let a nervous smile.
She wasn't very convinced. I looked to see if the coast was clear.
Ice cream was calling. With lots of chocolate, I really need that.
Well, when I got home I just slumped on the couch and turned on the TV. I put on a channel that at the time they had a talk-show, which they do every day with polls and all. And they have this hotline where viewers call and talk to them about the theme they pick every time.
So there was this chick talking with the hostess, and they put the name and location on footer.
My jaw just fell to the floor.
Can you guess why?
No, I did not win the lottery...
On the footer there was a rather familliar name to me. Well, I know it could be some one else with the same name, it was possible. But that hypothese was soon thrown aside when I heard her speak.
Yep it was her. Probably the most problematic, neurotic, depressive, dysphoric, gloomy and unhappy girl I've ever met.
Yes, she was my girlfriend too. *sighs*
I just kept listening the talk, still a bit suspicious if it was her or not.
There were certain perks on her speech I knew so well from hours on the phone with her. It was her alright.
I wondered if this was any kind of sign/warning of the Universe or if it was just some sadistic joke of the Powers Above.
Then I just settled for the bad luck I have on love and the people I fall in love with.
No one's fault except fot my own.
Anyway we went there just to hang out a bit and one of them needs to go and get some money from the ATM. The three of us stand on the line and I, just by a freaking chance, look somewhere else. I shouldn´t have.
I saw an ex of mine just coming in my direction. I totally freaked out! I mean, not externally. My heart just started pounding in my chest and my breathing wasn't better. No, I did not hyperventillate :p But even so... I could NOT speak to her! I mean I could, but my friends were there and I believe that after talking to her, I'd have a lot of explaining to do.. So, I just tried to think rationally (which was a rather hard thing to do at the time..) .
Ok, so she's coming here... But I don't know if she really saw me... like SAW me!
I cut my hair and all.. I think I look very different of when we were together, she may not even recognize me. Oh please don't! Act intelligenty!
Just when she passed by me I turned my back on her and I closed my eyes like if I was in front of a firing squad. (pretty intelligent huh? (¬_¬)) My heart still beat like a hell horse. I closed my eyes tight and I hoped she wasn't there any more. Until I felt a finger poking my shoulder.
"Where's da bomb, Spooks?" (Spooks is kinda my nickname, don't ask..)
Da bomb? Well, da bomb is walking behind me right now, she's 5'7, brown hair, green eyes. Don't pull the trigger or things will blow!
I believe I opened one eye to inspect my surroundings, then the other. It was my friend. Just then I let out the air I was holding.
<(^_^¤)> "Huh... Nothing's wrong! Really... he he" I let a nervous smile.
She wasn't very convinced. I looked to see if the coast was clear.
Ice cream was calling. With lots of chocolate, I really need that.
Well, when I got home I just slumped on the couch and turned on the TV. I put on a channel that at the time they had a talk-show, which they do every day with polls and all. And they have this hotline where viewers call and talk to them about the theme they pick every time.
So there was this chick talking with the hostess, and they put the name and location on footer.
My jaw just fell to the floor.
Can you guess why?
No, I did not win the lottery...
On the footer there was a rather familliar name to me. Well, I know it could be some one else with the same name, it was possible. But that hypothese was soon thrown aside when I heard her speak.
Yep it was her. Probably the most problematic, neurotic, depressive, dysphoric, gloomy and unhappy girl I've ever met.
Yes, she was my girlfriend too. *sighs*
I just kept listening the talk, still a bit suspicious if it was her or not.
There were certain perks on her speech I knew so well from hours on the phone with her. It was her alright.
I wondered if this was any kind of sign/warning of the Universe or if it was just some sadistic joke of the Powers Above.
Then I just settled for the bad luck I have on love and the people I fall in love with.
No one's fault except fot my own.
04 March, 2006
Fragment II
"Prozac doesn't do it, Valium doesn't either... Love cures it all."
What a load of crap!!
I rather trust my life in a box of pills that in love. Love is just a lie. A big one by the way.
I said it to myself and I intend to keep that promise.
I will not fall in love. Ever.
I WIL NOT FALL IN LOVE EVER AGAIN!!!
Besides, deep down inside I feel I am destined to that.
People say I'm darker and bitter and stranger than before. Well, love changed me. And it wasn't for good. I knew love once and now I just wish I hadn't.
If seeing other people's happiness only adds another knife to my wrists, so be it. I don't think I will ever be able to give myself again to someone like I did before.
I try to choke my sorrow in short-term relationships just to forget. But forget what?
A feeling that I know so well and will never die. No matter how many people I meet, no matter how may people I may sleep with, it will not go away.
I still love... my past. And who I was back then. The happy little girl that is screaming inside my head for a bit of light instead of the darkness she embraced.
"No one is here to hear you, no one wants to hear you. Even if they do, they'll just turn their backs on you. Just like her."
I have to go now. Talking about me gives me headaches and I have an idiotic tendency to start crying.
I never cry.
What a load of crap!!
I rather trust my life in a box of pills that in love. Love is just a lie. A big one by the way.
I said it to myself and I intend to keep that promise.
I will not fall in love. Ever.
I WIL NOT FALL IN LOVE EVER AGAIN!!!
Besides, deep down inside I feel I am destined to that.
People say I'm darker and bitter and stranger than before. Well, love changed me. And it wasn't for good. I knew love once and now I just wish I hadn't.
If seeing other people's happiness only adds another knife to my wrists, so be it. I don't think I will ever be able to give myself again to someone like I did before.
I try to choke my sorrow in short-term relationships just to forget. But forget what?
A feeling that I know so well and will never die. No matter how many people I meet, no matter how may people I may sleep with, it will not go away.
I still love... my past. And who I was back then. The happy little girl that is screaming inside my head for a bit of light instead of the darkness she embraced.
"No one is here to hear you, no one wants to hear you. Even if they do, they'll just turn their backs on you. Just like her."
I have to go now. Talking about me gives me headaches and I have an idiotic tendency to start crying.
I never cry.
Fragment I
(I am sorry, but this post is a bit late. It's suppose to date from last Tuesday but I had some problems with my laptop so I'm only posting it now)
Today is Mardi Gras.
Everyone is probably having fun or resting or doing something they like.
I'm not.
I'm home today, in my room, in front of a computer.
I think I have a socializing problem. I think I am afraid of people. Well, maybe not people themselves... Just social relationships.
- I'm not popular anymore (not popular in like popstar-bitch-slut thing, people don't want to hang around with me anymore)
- I don't make friends easily anymore (maybe because I got darker, bitter perhaps. Maybe it's just regrets of a former life?)
- I don't like to go out anymore (hey if you have no friends, where's the point?)
- I spend most of my time alone, at home (my room never looked better)
- I rarely invite people to come to my place... (I'm afraid of what they would find out)
...
I could go on and on. But does it make me richer or smarter or beautiful?
Nope, it doesn't. *Sigh*
She is home today as well. That's the bad thing about holidays.. I was better off alone than with her around.
She's been drinking. No, it's not the first time. And it certainly won't be the last. She has done it many times before. I've known that since I've known myself.
She hasn't said a word to me all day long. Hey, I'm not complaining. She's just there, smoking and drinking her brains out.
I hope she drowns.
Her lips have turned slightly purple because of the wine. Her eyes are puffy and her movements uncoordinate. Her skin is a little pale, contrarily of what people know about alcohol effects. When you look at her, she could easily pass as a deceased. Except that she is walking (well, bumping into things) and breathing.
God, I wish she was dead.
She occasionally breaks something. I can hear it from my room. And she's talking on the phone. She spends the whole day talking on the goddamn phone, boozin' up and she can't even talk to me?
I hate her.
I really do.
Sometimes I think what it would be like if I killed her. Seriously!
Would it put an end to all the pain she has put us through?
Would it feel good?
To look her in the eyes to see life escaping her body, watching her blood flowing out and to know it was over?
I hate Justice.
Sometimes I think on hurting myself.
You know, cut myself and stuff like that?
But even there I am a coward. I just can't do it.
I am powerless.
Today is Mardi Gras.
Everyone is probably having fun or resting or doing something they like.
I'm not.
I'm home today, in my room, in front of a computer.
I think I have a socializing problem. I think I am afraid of people. Well, maybe not people themselves... Just social relationships.
- I'm not popular anymore (not popular in like popstar-bitch-slut thing, people don't want to hang around with me anymore)
- I don't make friends easily anymore (maybe because I got darker, bitter perhaps. Maybe it's just regrets of a former life?)
- I don't like to go out anymore (hey if you have no friends, where's the point?)
- I spend most of my time alone, at home (my room never looked better)
- I rarely invite people to come to my place... (I'm afraid of what they would find out)
...
I could go on and on. But does it make me richer or smarter or beautiful?
Nope, it doesn't. *Sigh*
She is home today as well. That's the bad thing about holidays.. I was better off alone than with her around.
She's been drinking. No, it's not the first time. And it certainly won't be the last. She has done it many times before. I've known that since I've known myself.
She hasn't said a word to me all day long. Hey, I'm not complaining. She's just there, smoking and drinking her brains out.
I hope she drowns.
Her lips have turned slightly purple because of the wine. Her eyes are puffy and her movements uncoordinate. Her skin is a little pale, contrarily of what people know about alcohol effects. When you look at her, she could easily pass as a deceased. Except that she is walking (well, bumping into things) and breathing.
God, I wish she was dead.
She occasionally breaks something. I can hear it from my room. And she's talking on the phone. She spends the whole day talking on the goddamn phone, boozin' up and she can't even talk to me?
I hate her.
I really do.
Sometimes I think what it would be like if I killed her. Seriously!
Would it put an end to all the pain she has put us through?
Would it feel good?
To look her in the eyes to see life escaping her body, watching her blood flowing out and to know it was over?
I hate Justice.
Sometimes I think on hurting myself.
You know, cut myself and stuff like that?
But even there I am a coward. I just can't do it.
I am powerless.
