Morning came and I was so distant...

I got into bed really late. Had about 3 hours sleep. Funny, I don't feel tired at all.

I feel sick, absent and less than human.

Also the fact that I am clammed with work till my throat doesn't help either.

I hate deadlines. They make you to have to rush into something and oblige to it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against working. Getting like 10 important things to do all at the same it does a little mess in my bio-clock.

Hmm... that thing. I think it's ticking again.


Maybe it's just the pieces of my heart going against each other.

I need some glue for the soul

Grimm Love

*heavy heavy sigh*
I'm home.
I wish I wasn't. In fact I wish I hadn't left at all. Well, partially.

I had a text message earlier from a friend of mine. Here is the transcripts in general lines.

Friend:Are you free tonight?
Me:Well quite not free. What's up?
F:Wanna go out, have some dinner?
Me:Hmm, dunno. Why don't you come over, we can eat here. I am filled with work.
F:Nuh uh. Get dressed and be ready at the Forum 8 o'clock sharp.
Me:*groans internally*Pff fine...

I did some more work and got ready. Nothing really fancy, it was just the two of us having dinner. I got there, sharp as always. I see my friend at the rendez-vous point as agreed. Only she wasn't alone, another guy was with her.

'Oh crap.'

"Hey! You're here!" She said broad smile.
"Yes! Yes I am!" I said with my best 'put-a-stick-up-yer-ass-and-bare-it' smile.
"Great!" She introduced the guy to me and we all went for a coffee. So far so good.

Ok, so we're at the coffee shop and she says she's gotta go.
'What? No!!'
"Erm... You can't go! How about dinner?"
"Exactly. Here's your company for tonight missy!" Smug smile.
(º_º) *desert wind passes by me and cold sweats too*
"N..no you didn't underst.."
"Have fun you two! Gotta run!"

I looked at my cup. *sigh*

After a little small talk we decided to watch a movie. 'Grimm Love' was the chosen one. We actually didn't know what it was about. So turns out it was about that German guy that met another guy and ate him. Literally, ate him. It happened like 4 years ago or so. Oh and it was a lil' pro gay. So when the eatee was with the boyfriend (shock! guys kissing) he was like oh man, I didn't know it was like this. I said I didn't mind seeing guys kissing. Oh boy..
The movie went on and he was putting the 'charms' (as if) on me. I wanted to get out. Well, not only because of him but because I wanted to go to the bathroom.

The movie ended (thank god I was tired sick of taking his hand off of my knee). I was starving so we went for a bite (how appropriate for such a movie...) and talked some more. In fact he is a bit interesting. Not enough. At all!

The dreaded moment: Home ride.

Well as a gentleman he brought me home. We were talking in the car and he asked me a kiss. I felt flattered, really. But I said I couldn't. He was disappointed as expected. I hated this.
Then he invited me for a coffee tomorrow. I said yes reluctantly. Then he said he needed to use the bathroom. Ok, the guy just needs to pee.
We walked up to my place and I showed him the bathroom then we sat in my room. I made some coffee and we sat again. He asked again if he could get a kiss.

"It goes against my principles to kiss on a first date." I said half smiling.
"You go all the way instead?" He said giggling. I didn't think it was funny. He acknowledged that. "Hey look at the time. I should be going." He added. I simply nodded.

As I was walking him to the door, I kissed him. No, don't get me wrong. Yes I kissed him close to the lips, but it was a thank you kiss and nothing more.
"I know what's going on." He said. "I wouldn't do anything you wouldn't me wanted to." Here the gentleman again.
"It's not that.." Side glance.
"She told me."
"Told what?" Front look.
"Your selectiveness. Apparently I am not in the list." Wow that was a polite way to put it...
"Huh, well I guess..."
"I don't mind. Tell me how."
Whoa Nelly! Dumbfounded here.
"I don't think it's a good idea..."
He just looked at me. *big internal groan here*

We got back into the room. I looked at him blank as we sat in the floor.
"Now what?"
"Now I'll be who ever you want me to be." Wtf is he talking about?! Not in a million years. He could NEVER be... "I will do as you say."

This can't be good.

(For the purposes of integrity of this blog, I will not depict the following scene. Only some thoughts. Sorry you pervs!)

This is sooo weird. I can't! No way!! Not feeling a thing, just purely physical. Well at least he's being faithful to the deal. Oh my god what am I thinking?! A deal! *squirm, breath* OK, OK... if he's like this might as well enjoy it.

Then I thought of her.

No!! Not now!*squirm, breath breath*

Her.

*breath breath*

Her.

*breath*

I could not bring myself to open my eyes. I felt the moist in them as I sat in the bed. I still had her in my head, I could see her still behind my closed eyes. He sat as well.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah I'm fine. Huh, I think you should go now."
"Wha'?"
"Please go."
He left and I put my back against the closed door and cried.

Girls would kill to have a guy like him. Why do I just wanna kill myself?

I went to brush my teeth and I was like brushing them for ages since a roomie came to the bathroom and I got back into reality.
"Ya know, if ya keep brushing like that you'll gonna get bleedy gums."
"Sorry, I was just finishing."
"You OK?"
"Yeah, just peachy." I got back to my room and closed the door.

The room seems different. I dunno, I feel strange in here. It shouldn't have happened.

Dunno if I will get some sleep tonight.

I just want to be held. Stroke my hair, hold me tight and tell me everything is gonna be all right.

But it will not.

I don't fell all right.

I fell down terrible awful.

Wouldn't you?

Right now I'm lost in my weakness
In my selfish handmade pain
No way I'll let it go now
I've tried before, I've learned I can't

Weakly I destroy my hope
Turning it into fear
I can't help myself
Like someone is taking over control

I need you.

New song...

The world has failed us both

Sometimes simply
let me be alone
The empty bottles like corpses bleed
That's your ghost I need to keep.

To make you feel better about yourself
what was I doing wrong about you?

I've never been myself.

I'm able to see you better
inside the rooms that don't belong to you.
We fought for so long
We wasted everything

Dark lights under the bridge
We spoke by the torchlight
Now, listen when I die.

Fallen

(._.) *sigh* this song is beautiful and this is the mushy moment of a lousy week and I am not feeling very OK...

Through the looking glass

Emmeleia

I have to say, I love this song. It's so deep. And yet so simple. For me, it does not reflect any signs of tragedy. Yes, it's solemn, but a solemn stern. Almost spartan. Oh and related to spartan, I am dying to see "300". I feel I am going to like it. Anyway, 'nuff of babbling. As I said I was going to post 2 posts today and with different natures.
I've had some epiphanies along my life. Some I acknowledged them right away, others it took me some time. Other's even a longer time. Some I never quite understood.
Well today I dunno what happened. Dunno if it was a prank from The Powers Above or just some twist of some fate. The last place I ever expected something like this to happen, oh well...
Practice. I had practice around 7.30PM today and as usual I wasn't merry but I wasn't cranky. I got there, paid my monthly fee and proceeded to the locker room. Not empty, not full either.
I took off my suit and got dressed. When I went to the stairs (we have to cross some stairs in order to access the dojo) someone called something like ‘Hey wait.’ And I turned and waited. It was another girl, already in keikogi (I had never seen her before in other classes), only more graduated than me. I made like a surprised look, never thought there were more gals in that class (so far I’ve met like three but one doesn’t count, she’s like 6 xD). And she said something along the lines: “So, you practice here too?”. And thus, some scarce introductions were made on the way up and we still chatted a little in the dojo, if it wasn’t our Sensei to remind us class was about to begin. It was cool. At least I am not the only one there. Ok, almost two hours later, class was over and we all were leaving the dojo. I was making some small talk with the guys left as they packed their gear and folded their black hakamas. They cool too. I am glad ‘cos I am there not for a long time but everyone is being really nice (^_~)b Anyway, she was also talking to the Sensei (for what I gathered, she does not come to our dojo very often; oh ain’t just my lucky day lol) and I was quite killing some time so we’d leave like almost at the same time. I left first anyway but we met again in the lockers, talked some more. Left to the street, talked some more. Subject: Hmm.. relationships. :\ I really wanna laugh here. LOL! There. Ok I wanted to put a little of the talk, except it’s a little fuzzy in my head (^_^)’ Hehe can’t remember well really...
So, she was like waiting for her lift and I was waiting for my bus and she goes like: “Hey are you going to the Summer camp?” (well it’s not a Summer camp really, I can’t remember the word...)
“What Summer camp?” Really, I didn’t know.
“Oh! You have to gooooo! It’s soooo cool!”
“Well, when is it? I have to see ‘cos of my exams...”
“Not sure, first or second week in August. You HAVE to go!” Well, if instead of convincing me to go to that camp, she was selling some kind of useless over-priced gadget to me, I’d buy it. She was being really persistent. In a good way I suppose.
I giggled.”Ok, I’ll go.”
She seemed to look happy when I said that. Her lift arrived. “Will you go?” I asked.
“Definitely!” She said smiling. “My ride’s here. Nice meeting you!” She kissed me on the cheek (I have to refer this because.. God I dunno why! I mean, maybe it was just my impression. The thing is... Ok, when you meet like someone for the first time, no matter how extrovert you are, you’re always a little reserved, right? I know I maybe overreacting or just extrapolating or hyperbolating but... I am debating myself on what choice of words should I use here... Yin says write write write, Yang says well, things happen sooner or later. Why the regrets? So, what felt was: she kissed me like we’ve known for ages. Really! It was a strong, heart-felt kiss. And I say once again, maybe it’s only me and I could be way way away from the truth. But it was how I felt. Goddamn we south europeans and our ways! Shouldn’t be simpler if we were more like formal british people who shake hands, don’t kiss?! Three words: It was weird. And funny though.) We said goodbyes and each took our ways. I walked a few meters to the bus stop with my hands fidgting inside my hoodie’s pockets. I know. I had a stoooopid, silly smile on my face while I crossed the street..(¬_¬) I was looking at the lamp next to me and looking like goddamned Goofy! Danggit!

The way home it was pretty much blank, since I don’t remember anything I might have thought while on the bus (I do remember I came all the way looking through the window if that’s much of a help). I am surprised I could manage to get home, all things considered. I took a shower, had some dinner and room. Been working since I got home. OK, so now I ask... What tha hell was that?!
*sigh*

Sanvean (I am your shadow)

This song is absolutely beautiful. I cried the first time I heard it. Now, it just makes me warm and fuzzy inside. And I think of her.

I think I got ‘em butterflies fever comin’ up.. ( ._.) Grrr!

Monokuro mood

(Note: today I will post two posts. I know, they have utterly different messages but I do it 'cos I just feel like it.)

In myself, I see no dreams, like unpainted pictures

How many times must I fill this canvas?
I'll abandon time as I hold a white flag overhead
I am your unknown color now.

--Colors, Utada Hikaru

I need to get out. I have to get out of here. Of this place, of this house, of this body. I need to shed my skin and grow a new one. Start over. People should have chances in life like this. I am tired and weary of the same face everyday. I look at me and I see nothing. The blank look, the rings around my eyes denote exhaustion. I want a new body I want a new soul. It's like a merry-go-round, except I don't have any tickets left for another ride. Anyway what for? What is the purpose of living a life alone. I'm not afraid of saying it anymore. Before I thought it was a sign of weakness if I showed others my weaknesses. Now, I don't care. I am too indifferent to it. I want something more. Something that fulfills me, something I call it my own. I thought that some loneliness was alright. I was always the loner kind. I was alone, but never lonely. That was what I thought. How can you teach someone who spent her life shutting other people out to let them in again? I'd say it's a pretty tough thing. But hey that's only me.

Is it too selfish of me or too stupid if I say I miss the feeling of an embrace, the warmth of a kiss or even the touch of hands in my hair?

Because if it is, I already said it and I really do miss it.

It's been a long time.

Too long.

Empty Paper

(note: should have posted this last night, but I fell asleep)

Give me a piece of paper and I'll write

My whole life for you down I think
I'll return an empty paper but
Don't throw it away, it's still my life
Maybe I'll ever write a word when I've found it
Yes, I'm looking for it but it is hard to find

Please give me a another reason to live cause
Mine is total lost and now i am ashamed
Of myself cause I'm not happy I'm
Blaming the whole world of things they
Really did but I cannot smile from inside out
Yes, I'm working on it but it is hard to find

I think I've found it but
I can't say i missed you my whole life
That would be stupid and I'm not and that's a lie

Let me just believe in my lies or tell me the truth
Choose and come to tell what you decided
And then I'm ready to take me for all that I am
Yes, then I'm ready to take me for all that I am

I think I've found it but
I can't say i missed you my whole life
That would be stupid and I'm not and that's a lie

Give me a piece of paper

--lyrics by Astrid van der Veen


Can't find a better thing to express my mood right now. It's somewhere between a rock and a hard place, though I'm not really sure where that is.. I could ramble in here about it, but I just won't do it.
To make a long story short: I think it was Jesus who said (well it's in the Bible, I s'pose) if someone slapped you across your face that you should give 'em the other cheek. Good ol' Jesus... You can tell he wasn't used to deal with us mortals. Really. Ok, so I got a a big time, ol' fashioned slap on my face today. I didn't give no other cheek. I just stood there, heck if I was supposed to get the hell beaten outta me, I wouldn't have moved a finger. I couldn't. I shouldn't.

I had dinner alone. No, not at home. That would have been even more pathetic. I kept my word and appeared at the restaurant.
"Excuse me I had a reservation for tonight. Turns out it'll only be me."
"Of course Miss, no problem. Right this way please."

I sat, ordered and ate in silence. Nothing I would say or think would make any sense. I wasn't making any sense to me at least. I got a few looks around, among the occasional family or even the so-much-in-love traditional couple, actually there were like two or three people eating by themselves as well. Probably some lonely hearts club members too. Ok, I am making assumptions here. But it goes as they say, 'it takes one to know one'.
I paid my tab and came home.

Home.

Well it's my home now.

Good thing I got no roomies still here.

It's better like this.