At this point in my short-lived existence, I have achieved few, if not none, of the objectives I had my mind set upon. I am utterly disappointed with myself. I had hopes and dreams, now I think of getting over the days..
I think I consider myself a free spirit. I know I cannot stand doing the same thing for a long amount of time. That is why I know (or at least think I know) many things.
I have a gift for writing and I have ideas by the second. Too bad most of the time they don't worth a thing.. Anyway, let me tell you a little story...
One of my dreams /what I really wanted to do does not lie here. I wanted to go away, some place else, where no one would know who I am.
Some place like a small town, maybe near the sea. I would have a house big enough for me, on a considerate open space. It would have a nice garden where I'd plant my own herbs and I'd have a nature shop where I'd sell my herbs, nature products and I'd have the knowledge of healing plants. In the late afternoon, after a day's work I would sit on the porch sipping a nice cup of tea and reading a book. It would also be the perfect place for me to delve my own books and work on my plots while watching a beautiful sunset. It sounds too nice to happen.
I always wanted to have a bar of my own.. Possibly influenced by a friend of mine who works in one and I kinda know the ropes of the biz.. Nevertheless, I still keep my first option, the nice and cosy little place.
Funny, I don’t see any “significant other” in that picture. Just the house, the books and me. Maybe that’s because I don’t see myself having a significant other that lasts that long.
I’ve thought of leaving thousands of times before.. I guess I never had the chance..
I have a friend of mine; she works in a youth institute. They develop all kinds of projects throughout Europe. I talked to her some time back and she said I could go on a volunteering mission. I put my best inquiring face. Then she explained it all to me.
The admissions are till September and I could be out of here from six to twelve months.
I look at the paperwork I have on my desk right now. With that longing look.. I want to go away, I need to go away.
It’s all filled and signed, but will I deliver it?
I can go to any EU country, even those that joined recently like Belarus, Romania or Turkey. I wouldn’t mind if I got any of these. I’d be there to help.
I look once again at the papers. Do I have a reason strong enough to make me stay?
I don’t think so.
I feel some tears on my face. I still cling to my cottage-by-the sea dream while all around I see storms and it doesn’t look good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Listening to: Whether you fall-Tracy Bonham
30 July, 2006
email this post
26 July, 2006
F-U
I was in the middle of writing an extensive post (and believe it was extensive..) when my laptop crashed. So I will now resume it here (the original post was far better and less rude.) I am mad now and I had a BAD day!
FUCK YOU Mom (suck on that mommy dear)
FUCK YOU Dad
FUCK school
FUCK love
FUCK all the people that go breaking hearts and then act like they're victims
FUCK all the women that helped me screw my life a little more each day
FUCK all my faux-friends (yea bitches die)
FUCK life
FUCK YOU Bill Gates!!
I don't feel any better.. I want my other post back! (>_<)!!!
FUCK YOU Mom (suck on that mommy dear)
FUCK YOU Dad
FUCK school
FUCK love
FUCK all the people that go breaking hearts and then act like they're victims
FUCK all the women that helped me screw my life a little more each day
FUCK all my faux-friends (yea bitches die)
FUCK life
FUCK YOU Bill Gates!!
I don't feel any better.. I want my other post back! (>_<)!!!
Soul sessions
The waiting room is white, the usual clean aspect and the stuffed chairs complete the room. Behind the counter, two employees attend the pacients. I feel a little uncomfortable, it's the first time I come here.
After a while, I am called. The doctor is at the door waiting for me to come in. She's looks nice, I think. it's the first lady doctor I've seen in this area.. I sit on the chair. The first questions are the usual get-to-know questions. Family background, school stuff.. all that. Then we get to work on me.
I get to look at her from time to time... Her features are quite pretty. I muse... Maybe in another time and place... I lushiously grin inside.
Then the path taken lead us to pouring emotions out. I break in front of her, though I didn't want to, that's why I and her are here.
I try hard to contain myself, to no avail, I know... She says it's alright, that I should let it all out..
I just want to scream so loud.. I hear...
"If you came here is because you wanted help. You have to help me help you." She extended her hand across the desk, reaching my enclosed hands. She tenderly squeezed them.
I didn't look at her, my face was tear streaked. I felt so vulnerable. Felt like she had really pierced my soul and unfolded all the layers of my multiplicity. She gave me a tissue and smiled. I was taken away.
The session was over. Next month, another round in the ring. I was about to leave when she called again in the hall. She gave me a small card, I looked at it. A business card.
"If you have any questions or if you have the need to talk, give me a call. Anytime."
She smiled and I nodded. She bid farewell and moved onto the next pacient. The door closed behind me. I took a breath and moved to the reception to pay.
I got home and i locked myself in my room. I've been here since I got home. I don't want to see anyone right now. I just want to be one with myself. If that is possible at any time.
I'm sitting on my bed, holding my pillow like if holding to life itself. My mind is empty. Dozens, no hundreds of actions pass by and I watch, powerless to react. So many things I wanted to do, people to help.. How can I help other people if I can't even help myself?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My time moves slowly
Gliding across the veil of my nude skin
If I should cross the border you made for me
maybe i would not be here
But not what sense does it make
To try and embrace a more pristine past
looking forward I will take the risk
but I'll find answers to my why's
All that you will be
has already been written
If he truly exists
This god has failed
Every word pronouned
Will be the mirror of your pain
reflecting the blame
Feeding the hate
Mother
I'll choose my destiny
If I'm able to resist
I am still standing in this moment of pure madness
I don't know anymore if I should desire good or evil
Although sin maybe gives me more
But now what sense does it make
To try to resist a written destiny
I'm not going to sit back and watch
Without trying to resist you
Waking me up
Mother
I'll choose my destiny
If I'm able to resist
Waking me up
There's no choice without me
There's no life without me
After a while, I am called. The doctor is at the door waiting for me to come in. She's looks nice, I think. it's the first lady doctor I've seen in this area.. I sit on the chair. The first questions are the usual get-to-know questions. Family background, school stuff.. all that. Then we get to work on me.
I get to look at her from time to time... Her features are quite pretty. I muse... Maybe in another time and place... I lushiously grin inside.
Then the path taken lead us to pouring emotions out. I break in front of her, though I didn't want to, that's why I and her are here.
I try hard to contain myself, to no avail, I know... She says it's alright, that I should let it all out..
I just want to scream so loud.. I hear...
"If you came here is because you wanted help. You have to help me help you." She extended her hand across the desk, reaching my enclosed hands. She tenderly squeezed them.
I didn't look at her, my face was tear streaked. I felt so vulnerable. Felt like she had really pierced my soul and unfolded all the layers of my multiplicity. She gave me a tissue and smiled. I was taken away.
The session was over. Next month, another round in the ring. I was about to leave when she called again in the hall. She gave me a small card, I looked at it. A business card.
"If you have any questions or if you have the need to talk, give me a call. Anytime."
She smiled and I nodded. She bid farewell and moved onto the next pacient. The door closed behind me. I took a breath and moved to the reception to pay.
I got home and i locked myself in my room. I've been here since I got home. I don't want to see anyone right now. I just want to be one with myself. If that is possible at any time.
I'm sitting on my bed, holding my pillow like if holding to life itself. My mind is empty. Dozens, no hundreds of actions pass by and I watch, powerless to react. So many things I wanted to do, people to help.. How can I help other people if I can't even help myself?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My time moves slowly
Gliding across the veil of my nude skin
If I should cross the border you made for me
maybe i would not be here
But not what sense does it make
To try and embrace a more pristine past
looking forward I will take the risk
but I'll find answers to my why's
All that you will be
has already been written
If he truly exists
This god has failed
Every word pronouned
Will be the mirror of your pain
reflecting the blame
Feeding the hate
Mother
I'll choose my destiny
If I'm able to resist
I am still standing in this moment of pure madness
I don't know anymore if I should desire good or evil
Although sin maybe gives me more
But now what sense does it make
To try to resist a written destiny
I'm not going to sit back and watch
Without trying to resist you
Waking me up
Mother
I'll choose my destiny
If I'm able to resist
Waking me up
There's no choice without me
There's no life without me
22 July, 2006
21 July, 2006
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
oh I...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
oh why...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything..
(;_ ;) * I sad*
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
oh I...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
oh why...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything..
Fields Of Innocence
(;_ ;) * I sad*
20 July, 2006
18 July, 2006
Shoot for the moon
We say we love flowers..
yet we pluck them.
We say we love trees..
yet we cut them down.
And people still wonder why
some are afraid..
When told they are loved.
yet we pluck them.
We say we love trees..
yet we cut them down.
And people still wonder why
some are afraid..
When told they are loved.
-Unknown
16 July, 2006
Pensamento da semana, quiçá de meses e anos
"A superfície do ser humano está constantemente a ruir, mas por dentro tornamo-nos duros como diamante."
Henry Miller, Trópico de Capricórnio
Você é capaz
Pense nos seus pensamentos negativos como se fossem frutas e legumes.
A sua tristeza é um tomate.
A sua ansiedade é uma abóbora.
O seu sentimento de culpa é um pepino
Esmague o tomate. Esborrache a abóbora. Sente-se em cima do pepino
A sua tristeza é um tomate.
A sua ansiedade é uma abóbora.
O seu sentimento de culpa é um pepino
Esmague o tomate. Esborrache a abóbora. Sente-se em cima do pepino
Importância
A sensação de falta de importância provém frequentemente de uma deficiência de importância.
Elimine os seus sentimentos de falta de importância tornando-se no Presidente dos Estados Unidos.
Elimine os seus sentimentos de falta de importância tornando-se no Presidente dos Estados Unidos.
Deriva dos continentes
Por que razão há-de estar sempre a controlar o modo como gasta o seu tempo?
Porque não sair e relaxar - se os próprios Continentes andam à deriva, porque não há-de você também andar?
Porque não sair e relaxar - se os próprios Continentes andam à deriva, porque não há-de você também andar?
15 July, 2006
A comment on the comment
I read the e-mail repeatedly today. Until it sunk in as you said, hope it really did.
The different side of me that you claim you are seeing hasn’t popped out all of a sudden. It was always here. It’s a part of who I am and it will always be no matter how well I try to hide it or try to neglect it. We all have a less cheery side within us, some of us don’t have it at all. Others like me have it deeply in us but manage to learn how to embrace it and hope it doesn’t take hold of your entire being. Sometimes, it’s a daily quest.
You say it’s strange how I can hide it so well. By that, I can assume you’re referring to the good-natured heart person you’ve always seen in me. I’m not saying I’m not like that. It’s funny when you keep pushing things inside of you. Someday eventually, they’ll resurface.
I’ve seen the good but I’ve also seen the bad. I’ve felt it in my veins. And no, this is not a joke, I’ve really seen things that most people don’t even dream about, hell they don’t even think they exist! When I felt it, I felt good, I felt great. Like if, I was high. However, that’s the catch when you sober up. You realize there’s nothing left around you.
I had very dark time in my life. I’m not saying I’m worthy of pity because I despise that.
I had it all to be big. I had the brains, friends, some charm and talent if I may add that.
I lost it all.
What ensued all that can only be described as a total head-dive into darkness.
I became a prisoner of myself. I was ripped away from all I cherished and dumped into a wasteland.
No friends, no charm, no talent. I secluded myself in my own world where I thought none of this could reach me. I had my own personal stage, my personal vivid characters. I don’t know if it was that what kept me sane most of the time.
But no one cared.
I cried many times but no one seemed to notice. I was in pain but no one asked. I was hurt but no one came to me. I asked for help and everyone turned their faces.
The concept of invisible passed my mind right now.
I locked my feelings deep inside of me, buried most of my emotions. Created a shell around me. Yes, cold and insensitive bitch. If I had the need to cry, I’d go somewhere else or when no one was around. In six, seven (?) years, few people can have the privilege to say that they’ve seen me spill a tear.
During that time, a new me arose. The different, darker me.
Wrong friends, wrong charms, even evil talents if I must say, were acquired. I was blinded by it all. Looking back, I am not proud of it. But I had no other way. Even if I had one, there was no one there to help and point the way out.
Have you ever seen a pierrot? Or even a simple clown?
Clowns hide behind all that make up, goofy stunts and even fake smiles. Sometimes, they don’t even smile at all.
I am a clown. By making other people feel good, I hide my pain and sorrow. I am not used to other people caring about me. When they do, I’m afraid, I end up pushing them away.
What happened that day was like a soul shock to me. Having that childhood friend of mine saying those things and having flashbacks of who I used to be and knowing what I became really got into me.
I have many things bottled up inside. I’m sorry I’m not like a book but that’s all part of my defensive system. I don’t want to pull anyone else into the whirlpool.
Those oh-not-so-cheery posts are just the tip of the iceberg on what concerns me opening up. Believe me, it goes much deeper than that.
I’ve done really nasty things in my short-lived existence (don’t worry, I haven’t killed anyone and I’m not planning to do so in the next 70 years..) and I regret them every single day. I can’t think of a better penitence for that.
They say you can’t miss what you never had. I care to disagree of that.
Call me a fool but I miss so many of life’s little things that can be of such pleasure.
That warm motherly hug when you’re sick, when you’re scared, when you’re sad. The good night kiss, the bedtime story, and the only because I love and care for you kiss… I miss that all and yet, I never experienced it. Curious, isn’t it?
I could be a lifetime source of study for any psychiatrist.
But it’s like rehab, one day at a time. The worse thing is when I feel I walk two steps front, I end up twenty steps behind.
Look at this, I kept babbling. I always end up doing it when I merely want to say something simple.
ありがとう*humbly bows* I want to thank you Ana : ) For the encouraging words you sent me. After I read them, I felt like the Grinch (if you don’t understand, watch the movie). It was a kind gesture of you, one of the fewest I’ve had in years and I’m not exaggerating.
Looking forward to that guitar-searching quest! (^_^)/ でわそのうちに。
The different side of me that you claim you are seeing hasn’t popped out all of a sudden. It was always here. It’s a part of who I am and it will always be no matter how well I try to hide it or try to neglect it. We all have a less cheery side within us, some of us don’t have it at all. Others like me have it deeply in us but manage to learn how to embrace it and hope it doesn’t take hold of your entire being. Sometimes, it’s a daily quest.
You say it’s strange how I can hide it so well. By that, I can assume you’re referring to the good-natured heart person you’ve always seen in me. I’m not saying I’m not like that. It’s funny when you keep pushing things inside of you. Someday eventually, they’ll resurface.
I’ve seen the good but I’ve also seen the bad. I’ve felt it in my veins. And no, this is not a joke, I’ve really seen things that most people don’t even dream about, hell they don’t even think they exist! When I felt it, I felt good, I felt great. Like if, I was high. However, that’s the catch when you sober up. You realize there’s nothing left around you.
I had very dark time in my life. I’m not saying I’m worthy of pity because I despise that.
I had it all to be big. I had the brains, friends, some charm and talent if I may add that.
I lost it all.
What ensued all that can only be described as a total head-dive into darkness.
I became a prisoner of myself. I was ripped away from all I cherished and dumped into a wasteland.
No friends, no charm, no talent. I secluded myself in my own world where I thought none of this could reach me. I had my own personal stage, my personal vivid characters. I don’t know if it was that what kept me sane most of the time.
But no one cared.
I cried many times but no one seemed to notice. I was in pain but no one asked. I was hurt but no one came to me. I asked for help and everyone turned their faces.
The concept of invisible passed my mind right now.
I locked my feelings deep inside of me, buried most of my emotions. Created a shell around me. Yes, cold and insensitive bitch. If I had the need to cry, I’d go somewhere else or when no one was around. In six, seven (?) years, few people can have the privilege to say that they’ve seen me spill a tear.
During that time, a new me arose. The different, darker me.
Wrong friends, wrong charms, even evil talents if I must say, were acquired. I was blinded by it all. Looking back, I am not proud of it. But I had no other way. Even if I had one, there was no one there to help and point the way out.
Have you ever seen a pierrot? Or even a simple clown?
Clowns hide behind all that make up, goofy stunts and even fake smiles. Sometimes, they don’t even smile at all.
I am a clown. By making other people feel good, I hide my pain and sorrow. I am not used to other people caring about me. When they do, I’m afraid, I end up pushing them away.
What happened that day was like a soul shock to me. Having that childhood friend of mine saying those things and having flashbacks of who I used to be and knowing what I became really got into me.
I have many things bottled up inside. I’m sorry I’m not like a book but that’s all part of my defensive system. I don’t want to pull anyone else into the whirlpool.
Those oh-not-so-cheery posts are just the tip of the iceberg on what concerns me opening up. Believe me, it goes much deeper than that.
I’ve done really nasty things in my short-lived existence (don’t worry, I haven’t killed anyone and I’m not planning to do so in the next 70 years..) and I regret them every single day. I can’t think of a better penitence for that.
They say you can’t miss what you never had. I care to disagree of that.
Call me a fool but I miss so many of life’s little things that can be of such pleasure.
That warm motherly hug when you’re sick, when you’re scared, when you’re sad. The good night kiss, the bedtime story, and the only because I love and care for you kiss… I miss that all and yet, I never experienced it. Curious, isn’t it?
I could be a lifetime source of study for any psychiatrist.
But it’s like rehab, one day at a time. The worse thing is when I feel I walk two steps front, I end up twenty steps behind.
Look at this, I kept babbling. I always end up doing it when I merely want to say something simple.
ありがとう*humbly bows* I want to thank you Ana : ) For the encouraging words you sent me. After I read them, I felt like the Grinch (if you don’t understand, watch the movie). It was a kind gesture of you, one of the fewest I’ve had in years and I’m not exaggerating.
Looking forward to that guitar-searching quest! (^_^)/ でわそのうちに。
12 July, 2006
Woke up early this morning, had to. 8 in the morning and it was already hot. Trains, buses, people... all moved mechanically. I can feel myself like that too. Just a puppet, only no strings showing. Nearly five hours later, I return to the headquarters. A phone call earlier and she said she was already out. My nourishment problems concerned her.
"I'm fine, I'll eat something when I get home.."
More trains, buses and people. All look the same. Tired, grumpy and old. Again, I'm starting to feel like that too. I'm close. As a habit, I always look at the window. But what do I see? Her head quickly retreating! She lied.. She was lying to me!
I hurry my step and reach the entrance door and call the elevator. The damn thing stops in several floors before reaching the hall.
Finally. I put the key in the lock and all I can find is an empty house with recent traces of activity. The blood boils in my veins. She got out on one of the other floors... So she wouldn't face me!
Frantically, I start looking for my mobile. I reach for the speed dial number.
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Wha'? "
"I asked where are you?" I paced in the corridor.
"I'm just outside Monter Avenue.."
"LIAR!" I scream. "I was downstairs and I looked up and I saw you at the window! It's a lie!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You left on another floor while I was waiting for the elevator! You were home telling me you were out! And now you're lying again!
She snickered. "You must be seeing things beca..."
"Don't! I saw you and you lied to me! Where are you?"
The line went dead.
How...? That bitch! I called again, the phone was off. Oh yeah, go ahead. Piss me off a lil more that's all I'm asking.
I called again. The phone rang, no picking up. Again. She hung up and called me back.
"Never, and I mean you will NEVER hang up the phone to me like you just did!"
"What do you want?"
"What do I want? Why did you fuckin' lied to me?"
"You're out of your mind."
"Don't you fuckin' tell me that bullshit! I saw you at home!"
"Look I'm not gonna talk to you about that now.."
"I just friggin' wanna know WHY?"
"Ok, ok... Bye."
Twice. She hung up on me twice. I put my phone calmly in the bed then I punched my wardrobe door. I am SO pissed off she has no idea. If this means war, then is war she will get.
*sigh*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need a boat before I forget how to swim...
"I'm fine, I'll eat something when I get home.."
More trains, buses and people. All look the same. Tired, grumpy and old. Again, I'm starting to feel like that too. I'm close. As a habit, I always look at the window. But what do I see? Her head quickly retreating! She lied.. She was lying to me!
I hurry my step and reach the entrance door and call the elevator. The damn thing stops in several floors before reaching the hall.
Finally. I put the key in the lock and all I can find is an empty house with recent traces of activity. The blood boils in my veins. She got out on one of the other floors... So she wouldn't face me!
Frantically, I start looking for my mobile. I reach for the speed dial number.
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Wha'? "
"I asked where are you?" I paced in the corridor.
"I'm just outside Monter Avenue.."
"LIAR!" I scream. "I was downstairs and I looked up and I saw you at the window! It's a lie!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You left on another floor while I was waiting for the elevator! You were home telling me you were out! And now you're lying again!
She snickered. "You must be seeing things beca..."
"Don't! I saw you and you lied to me! Where are you?"
The line went dead.
How...? That bitch! I called again, the phone was off. Oh yeah, go ahead. Piss me off a lil more that's all I'm asking.
I called again. The phone rang, no picking up. Again. She hung up and called me back.
"Never, and I mean you will NEVER hang up the phone to me like you just did!"
"What do you want?"
"What do I want? Why did you fuckin' lied to me?"
"You're out of your mind."
"Don't you fuckin' tell me that bullshit! I saw you at home!"
"Look I'm not gonna talk to you about that now.."
"I just friggin' wanna know WHY?"
"Ok, ok... Bye."
Twice. She hung up on me twice. I put my phone calmly in the bed then I punched my wardrobe door. I am SO pissed off she has no idea. If this means war, then is war she will get.
*sigh*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need a boat before I forget how to swim...
10 July, 2006
09 July, 2006
Modern Times Cinderella
(This was supposed to be posted last night, but i was completely shattered so i fell asleep on top of the computer.. my neck hurts like hell... )
Tonight was a dark horse; I certainly didn't expect it to end like it did. Far from it. I had this friend, Theresa, who called me today asking if I wanted to go out. I said yea sure, cos we hadn’t seen each other for years! She kinda picked me up at 11.40pm... She came around with another friend of ours Margaret (Maggie for us) in her bike… Needless to say, three people don't fit in one bike. Then they called some friends, they picked me up and off we went.
The first bar was crowded. Just at the entrance, there was this guy I had a fling with. He was there giving out the tab cards. I said hi, he did too then he asked why I didn’t call him again. I lost his number (I think). Then again, I won’t need it anymore. Not for whatever he thinks doing, I don’t (ever). We got in. Theresa instantly found some gal from her course and they started chatting. Maggie went to get a beer. I stood by a nearby table watching the people pushing themselves to pass.
Then this gal waved at me. I looked around; maybe she's mistaking me for someone. She waved again. My shoulders shrugged. Maggie was right by my side when she noticed and looked at her.
"Claudia, over here."
It was for Maggie, she wasn’t paying attention when she waved.
I kept silent as she fought to reach us through the crowd. She said hi. We both replied. They talked a bit, while Theresa introduced me to the rest of the gang. We finally got a table, sat down and ordered our drinks and some food.
We were there about what 30, 40 minutes if so. Then we left for another bar. I quickly “integrated” in the group since I didn’t know them apart from Maggie and Theresa. There was this guy, John I think it was his name and he and Claudia were constantly picking at each other about who was the most poor...*rolls eyes* Their arguments were hilarious.
On the way to the bar, we kinda watched some guys fighting with each other on the street… Now that was sad.. And needless I think.
At the second place for the night, I had been there before. I wasn’t crowded, since it had an open space outside. Again, to the bar. We were ordering drinks and I didn’t have any change (yea am a big shot, only pay in bills) and Claudia was there ordering too so she paid my drink after a bit of a protest on my side.
“Ok, ok. You’ll buy me next round.” She said giggling
Deal. We came outside to join the rest of the gang and we spent the whole time there talking and getting drinks too. Then there was this other girl Ana that came along to. She just appeared from I dunno where in there (wait… recollections of earlier that night tell me she was at the first bar too) and she was trying to convince us all to go to this other bar. We all said yes. She went on ahead and we still stayed. In the whole group, we must have been about nine people, apart from me, Theresa and two other girls, the rest of them were all in nursing school.
On our way to the third place, Theresa and Maggie had to go pick up the bike and they would meet us there. So I was just alone with Maggie’s friends. They were nice :) I constantly laughed with ‘em, funny gang. I didn’t know where that bar was so I just followed. Claudia once again was the most talkative to me on the way there. She’s really funny too. The bickering with John continued all the way. We talked about so many things, I felt like I already knew her from way back. It was nice :)
The other bar was a flunk. Already on our arrival, there were two police cars outside. That couldn’t be good. Maggie and Theresa were there waiting for us on the outside. We got in. The music was pumping and it was crowded again. Me and my drinking buddy :p went to pay a visit to the bar. The space was nice, too bad it had too many people in it :/ It was just in the mood. Then this song I really liked started pumping. The amount of alcohol was starting to take its toll. John was the only guy in the group and he was there with his girlfriend. Maggie was at the bar talking with Theresa. I and the other three girls were dancing. I was so caught up in dancing; I had the need to exorcise all the bad energies I built up during the last week that I didn’t care who I danced with or who danced with me. John’s face alerted me for something when I opened my eyes. *big toothy grin* apparently me and Claudia dancing together seemed quite a show... I swear, I hadn’t a clue. I just felt good and that was enough. Really good I must add :p
We all left the bar upon its closing time; we still had to wait a while because it was so full. That and we had to pay as well. In addition, five more minutes of Claudia and me arguing of who would pay each other tabs… I paid this time. Time to say goodbye’s as we stepped outside into the chilly night. It was a pleasant night, not too warm not cold either.
Maggie and Theresa couldn’t really give me a lift once again so I told them I’d just pick a cab and everything would be fine and I’d call Theresa when I got home.
“Hell no you won’t. I’ll take you home. Where do you live?” Claudia offered. I pleasantly declined her kindness but there was no need. She insisted.
“Hey I’m already taking Ana, might take you as well. I’m sure you don’t live that far. Nothing in this city can be considered far ” She said smiling.
True. I thought to myself. So, me, Ana and her went on ahead of the rest of the group, talking quietly through the alleys until we got to the parking lot. Ana was the first drop cos she lived still a few miles away. She is a sweet girl. A lil’ way distracted about her surrounding but sweet. We exchanged phone numbers cos she’s in Lisbon too so we could have a coffee sometime and chat.
As we were coming back, I was a bit silent, just looking around the window. I like night trips.
“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” I heard.
“No, just a bit tired I guess.”
“God me too, my feet are killing me.” She made a fuss. “But please talk to me while I’m driving or I swear I’ll fall asleep. And you don’t want that to happen.” She grinned
“No, I don’t.” : p
So I talked. Guess it’s still one of my best if not only qualities I have left…
“Oh come on! You’re joking me! You telling me you ain’t got a boyfriend?!”
I smiled. “No, I’m not joking and no, I don’t. Why is that all the people say that when I answer them?”
“Maybe because you’re nice and cutie people tend to picture you having someone. When you break that idea from them, they get surprised. I get that all the time too.” She smiled back.
At that point I must have lifted my inner eyebrow and hmm’d .. Don’t get me wrong, I just got some something on the air. What, I dunno, but I picked something alright. The rest of the trip went smoothly, apart my senses being keener on picking up hints. They picked quite a few, though not enough to put a label.
She parked in front of my house and we were still talking for a bit. I said it was really nice meeting her and all the gang and I hoped for a next time when I came around.
“Now I know where you live, now you’ll come with us next time you’re here even if I have to drag you out!” She joked.
You don’t need to. Again the phone swap. I must say, we really wanted to keep talking but it was getting late. Then again none of us moved. I just kept saying I gotta go, she just nodded and we talked some more.
Finally, at 4.30 in the morning it was time to really say goodbye. I was clueless so I just said goodbye.
She smiled.
She tempted her luck.
I was surprised.
I gave in.
Had it coming for a while.
Never thought it would happen.
It did.
I smiled oh so shyly, she smiled broadly.
The door closed.
The car left.
Only saw the lights in the distance.
I stood there, in the sidewalk
The key spun in the lock.
Cinderella has arrived, unharmed.
I believe in fairytales,
However, not the ones you know
In mine, the princess doesn't get home at midnight,
She doesn't arrive in a fancy carriage and white horses
The fairy godmother is clueless about it all and rides a bike
And guess what? The prince isn't even a prince.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up with a terrible hangover but a smile on my lips.
Tonight was a dark horse; I certainly didn't expect it to end like it did. Far from it. I had this friend, Theresa, who called me today asking if I wanted to go out. I said yea sure, cos we hadn’t seen each other for years! She kinda picked me up at 11.40pm... She came around with another friend of ours Margaret (Maggie for us) in her bike… Needless to say, three people don't fit in one bike. Then they called some friends, they picked me up and off we went.
The first bar was crowded. Just at the entrance, there was this guy I had a fling with. He was there giving out the tab cards. I said hi, he did too then he asked why I didn’t call him again. I lost his number (I think). Then again, I won’t need it anymore. Not for whatever he thinks doing, I don’t (ever). We got in. Theresa instantly found some gal from her course and they started chatting. Maggie went to get a beer. I stood by a nearby table watching the people pushing themselves to pass.
Then this gal waved at me. I looked around; maybe she's mistaking me for someone. She waved again. My shoulders shrugged. Maggie was right by my side when she noticed and looked at her.
"Claudia, over here."
It was for Maggie, she wasn’t paying attention when she waved.
I kept silent as she fought to reach us through the crowd. She said hi. We both replied. They talked a bit, while Theresa introduced me to the rest of the gang. We finally got a table, sat down and ordered our drinks and some food.
We were there about what 30, 40 minutes if so. Then we left for another bar. I quickly “integrated” in the group since I didn’t know them apart from Maggie and Theresa. There was this guy, John I think it was his name and he and Claudia were constantly picking at each other about who was the most poor...*rolls eyes* Their arguments were hilarious.
On the way to the bar, we kinda watched some guys fighting with each other on the street… Now that was sad.. And needless I think.
At the second place for the night, I had been there before. I wasn’t crowded, since it had an open space outside. Again, to the bar. We were ordering drinks and I didn’t have any change (yea am a big shot, only pay in bills) and Claudia was there ordering too so she paid my drink after a bit of a protest on my side.
“Ok, ok. You’ll buy me next round.” She said giggling
Deal. We came outside to join the rest of the gang and we spent the whole time there talking and getting drinks too. Then there was this other girl Ana that came along to. She just appeared from I dunno where in there (wait… recollections of earlier that night tell me she was at the first bar too) and she was trying to convince us all to go to this other bar. We all said yes. She went on ahead and we still stayed. In the whole group, we must have been about nine people, apart from me, Theresa and two other girls, the rest of them were all in nursing school.
On our way to the third place, Theresa and Maggie had to go pick up the bike and they would meet us there. So I was just alone with Maggie’s friends. They were nice :) I constantly laughed with ‘em, funny gang. I didn’t know where that bar was so I just followed. Claudia once again was the most talkative to me on the way there. She’s really funny too. The bickering with John continued all the way. We talked about so many things, I felt like I already knew her from way back. It was nice :)
The other bar was a flunk. Already on our arrival, there were two police cars outside. That couldn’t be good. Maggie and Theresa were there waiting for us on the outside. We got in. The music was pumping and it was crowded again. Me and my drinking buddy :p went to pay a visit to the bar. The space was nice, too bad it had too many people in it :/ It was just in the mood. Then this song I really liked started pumping. The amount of alcohol was starting to take its toll. John was the only guy in the group and he was there with his girlfriend. Maggie was at the bar talking with Theresa. I and the other three girls were dancing. I was so caught up in dancing; I had the need to exorcise all the bad energies I built up during the last week that I didn’t care who I danced with or who danced with me. John’s face alerted me for something when I opened my eyes. *big toothy grin* apparently me and Claudia dancing together seemed quite a show... I swear, I hadn’t a clue. I just felt good and that was enough. Really good I must add :p
We all left the bar upon its closing time; we still had to wait a while because it was so full. That and we had to pay as well. In addition, five more minutes of Claudia and me arguing of who would pay each other tabs… I paid this time. Time to say goodbye’s as we stepped outside into the chilly night. It was a pleasant night, not too warm not cold either.
Maggie and Theresa couldn’t really give me a lift once again so I told them I’d just pick a cab and everything would be fine and I’d call Theresa when I got home.
“Hell no you won’t. I’ll take you home. Where do you live?” Claudia offered. I pleasantly declined her kindness but there was no need. She insisted.
“Hey I’m already taking Ana, might take you as well. I’m sure you don’t live that far. Nothing in this city can be considered far ” She said smiling.
True. I thought to myself. So, me, Ana and her went on ahead of the rest of the group, talking quietly through the alleys until we got to the parking lot. Ana was the first drop cos she lived still a few miles away. She is a sweet girl. A lil’ way distracted about her surrounding but sweet. We exchanged phone numbers cos she’s in Lisbon too so we could have a coffee sometime and chat.
As we were coming back, I was a bit silent, just looking around the window. I like night trips.
“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” I heard.
“No, just a bit tired I guess.”
“God me too, my feet are killing me.” She made a fuss. “But please talk to me while I’m driving or I swear I’ll fall asleep. And you don’t want that to happen.” She grinned
“No, I don’t.” : p
So I talked. Guess it’s still one of my best if not only qualities I have left…
“Oh come on! You’re joking me! You telling me you ain’t got a boyfriend?!”
I smiled. “No, I’m not joking and no, I don’t. Why is that all the people say that when I answer them?”
“Maybe because you’re nice and cutie people tend to picture you having someone. When you break that idea from them, they get surprised. I get that all the time too.” She smiled back.
At that point I must have lifted my inner eyebrow and hmm’d .. Don’t get me wrong, I just got some something on the air. What, I dunno, but I picked something alright. The rest of the trip went smoothly, apart my senses being keener on picking up hints. They picked quite a few, though not enough to put a label.
She parked in front of my house and we were still talking for a bit. I said it was really nice meeting her and all the gang and I hoped for a next time when I came around.
“Now I know where you live, now you’ll come with us next time you’re here even if I have to drag you out!” She joked.
You don’t need to. Again the phone swap. I must say, we really wanted to keep talking but it was getting late. Then again none of us moved. I just kept saying I gotta go, she just nodded and we talked some more.
Finally, at 4.30 in the morning it was time to really say goodbye. I was clueless so I just said goodbye.
She smiled.
She tempted her luck.
I was surprised.
I gave in.
Had it coming for a while.
Never thought it would happen.
It did.
I smiled oh so shyly, she smiled broadly.
The door closed.
The car left.
Only saw the lights in the distance.
I stood there, in the sidewalk
The key spun in the lock.
Cinderella has arrived, unharmed.
I believe in fairytales,
However, not the ones you know
In mine, the princess doesn't get home at midnight,
She doesn't arrive in a fancy carriage and white horses
The fairy godmother is clueless about it all and rides a bike
And guess what? The prince isn't even a prince.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up with a terrible hangover but a smile on my lips.
06 July, 2006
Hades
Por onde começar? (...)
Não, não tenho estado nos meus melhores dias ultimamente.. Se é que há melhores dias.. As últimas 72 horas nada têm deixado a desejar. O único desejo, se o há, é poder apagar tudo o que senti, tudo o que vi, tudo o que fiz. E se possível ter outra existência num lugar bem nos confins da Terra onde não haja verdadeiros seres humanos a quem magoar. Se me fosse concedido um desejo, seria isto que eu pediria. Lembro-me da lenda do templo de Mnemosyne. As pessoas entravam no seu templo e as sacerdotisas diziam-lhes que apartir do momento em que entravam, todas as suas memórias lhes pertenciam; estavam numa taça de água. Se alguma vez essa água fosse vertida, as memórias eram perdidas para sempre. Todas as pessoas tinha à sua frente uma viagem e no fim decidiam se queriam continuar com as suas lembranças ou não. A primeira paragem era o rio dos Lamentos, Cocytus [do grego κωκυτός, "lamentos"]. A segunda o rio do Sofrimento, [Acheron] um rio de gelo. O terceiro rio um rio de fogo, Phlegethon [(rio de) fogo], o rio da Verdade. Era uma viagem ao Hades, o inferno grego. Embora nem todos os rios infernais estejam aqui mencionados, também desempenham um papel importante neste percurso. Principalmente o rio Lethe, que traduzido à letra, o rio do Esquecimento.
Se todos nós tivéssemos a oportunidade de efectuar esta viagem, quantos de nós ficariam com a taça cheia de água?
Não nos esqueçamos pois que ao vertê-la, todas as memórias, absolutamente todas, boas ou más desapareceriam por completo e seriamos uma tábua rasa do conhecimento.
Quantos de nós estariam dispostos a pagar esse preço?
Digo isto porque me lembro inúmeras vezes desta história. Foi-me contada há tanto tempo que lhe perdi a conta. Mas ultimamente pareçe que lateja na minha cabeça...
Se alguém verter a sua taça, deixará de conhecer tudo aquilo que já conheceu e tudo o que já viu. Pessoas, lugares... Tudo será substituído por um recipiente novo. Não, novo não. Vazio.
Não é muito diferente de como me sinto agora. À excepção de que eu sei por que sofro, por que choro, por que lamento.. Por que sou humana e os humanos são estúpidos.
Parece que foi à milhões de anos...
quando nada disto fazia sentido
porque nada disto para mim existia.
Foi à milhões de anos atrás que eu ouvi esta história
mas para mim era só uma lenda.
Hoje sinto-a na pele, na carne, na alma.
Queima.
------------------------------------------------//----------------------------------------------
Que eu saiba as lendas não se sentem, pois não?
Não, não tenho estado nos meus melhores dias ultimamente.. Se é que há melhores dias.. As últimas 72 horas nada têm deixado a desejar. O único desejo, se o há, é poder apagar tudo o que senti, tudo o que vi, tudo o que fiz. E se possível ter outra existência num lugar bem nos confins da Terra onde não haja verdadeiros seres humanos a quem magoar. Se me fosse concedido um desejo, seria isto que eu pediria. Lembro-me da lenda do templo de Mnemosyne. As pessoas entravam no seu templo e as sacerdotisas diziam-lhes que apartir do momento em que entravam, todas as suas memórias lhes pertenciam; estavam numa taça de água. Se alguma vez essa água fosse vertida, as memórias eram perdidas para sempre. Todas as pessoas tinha à sua frente uma viagem e no fim decidiam se queriam continuar com as suas lembranças ou não. A primeira paragem era o rio dos Lamentos, Cocytus [do grego κωκυτός, "lamentos"]. A segunda o rio do Sofrimento, [Acheron] um rio de gelo. O terceiro rio um rio de fogo, Phlegethon [(rio de) fogo], o rio da Verdade. Era uma viagem ao Hades, o inferno grego. Embora nem todos os rios infernais estejam aqui mencionados, também desempenham um papel importante neste percurso. Principalmente o rio Lethe, que traduzido à letra, o rio do Esquecimento.
Se todos nós tivéssemos a oportunidade de efectuar esta viagem, quantos de nós ficariam com a taça cheia de água?
Não nos esqueçamos pois que ao vertê-la, todas as memórias, absolutamente todas, boas ou más desapareceriam por completo e seriamos uma tábua rasa do conhecimento.
Quantos de nós estariam dispostos a pagar esse preço?
Digo isto porque me lembro inúmeras vezes desta história. Foi-me contada há tanto tempo que lhe perdi a conta. Mas ultimamente pareçe que lateja na minha cabeça...
Se alguém verter a sua taça, deixará de conhecer tudo aquilo que já conheceu e tudo o que já viu. Pessoas, lugares... Tudo será substituído por um recipiente novo. Não, novo não. Vazio.
Não é muito diferente de como me sinto agora. À excepção de que eu sei por que sofro, por que choro, por que lamento.. Por que sou humana e os humanos são estúpidos.
Parece que foi à milhões de anos...
quando nada disto fazia sentido
porque nada disto para mim existia.
Foi à milhões de anos atrás que eu ouvi esta história
mas para mim era só uma lenda.
Hoje sinto-a na pele, na carne, na alma.
Queima.
------------------------------------------------//----------------------------------------------
Que eu saiba as lendas não se sentem, pois não?
04 July, 2006
Retorno
Estava muito longe de mim pensar na maneira como o dia de hoje acabou. Supostamente eu deveria ter vindo ontem para Évora mas surgiram outros assuntos e só pude vir hoje. Cheguei 15 minutos antes do autocarro partir, comprei o bilhete e fiquei à espera. O motorista abriu as postas do compartimento da carga e eu lá fui pôr a minha mala. Quando voltei, vi uma cara sorridente na minha direcção.
“Inês! O que fazes aqui?!”
Eu provavelmente nem teria reparado, vinha com os phones nos ouvidos. Mas lá olhei por detrás dos óculos de sol. Quando vi quem era nem me tinha em mim.
“Ana! Meu Deus!” Disse eu com uma alegria enorme. “Não te tinha visto!”
“Pois eu já te tinha chamado, mas como ias com isso nos ouvidos…” Disse ela à laia de reprimenda.
“Desculpa.” Respondi eu sinceramente. “Mas tu olha, quando me vires assim meio distraída, por favor diz-me algo.”
“Ok.”
“Vais para Évora, não?”
“Sim, vim hoje para Lisboa e ainda vou hoje.”
“Olha, qual é o teu número?”
“O 14. Tu?”
“25. Ah deixa lá, sentamo-nos no mesmo sítio.” Isto com o autocarro cheio de gente… Tivemos sorte que ninguém nos foi reclamar o lugar. Começámos na conversa. A Ana é uma amiga de longa data. Crescemos práticamente juntas e andámos sempre juntas desde a primária até ao 9º ano. Depois mudámos de escola, mas nunca perdemos o contacto. Até eu ir para Lisboa. Ainda me perguntam porque é que odeio Lisboa… Eu respondo: Lisboa fez-me perder tudo aquilo que eu tinha de melhor na vida.
Ela também estuda em Lisboa, mas é muito complicado nós arranjarmos tempo para nos encontrarmos. Ora quis o destino que fosse hoje. A Ana é minha afilhada, do crisma. Quando ela me convidou eu fiquei muito contente, porque ela nunca tinha realmente dado muita importância a essas coisas. As nossas famílias sempre se deram lindamente. Ora já estávamos no autocarro, a instalar-nos e a falar quando eu de repente tiro os óculos para falar com ela e ela fica muito espantada a olhar para mim.
“Oh Inês! O que é isso?!”
Eu, muito sinceramente, não fazia a mínima. “Onde?”
“Aí, na tua cara!”
“Ah…” Disse eu assim muito ao de leve. O piercing…
“Meu Deus! Mas… Quando o fizeste? O que disseram os teus avós?!”
“Há quase um ano. Não disseram nada de especial, só me perguntam todos os dias quando tiro daqui o prego.” Disse eu com um sorriso forçado.
“Oh meu Deus! Oh meu deus…” Era só o que ela dizia.
Lá falámos da vida e tal, exames, faculdade… Ela entretanto deixou-se dormir, cansada com certeza. Eu pus os phones e passei o resto da viagem a olhar pela janela.
Estávamos quase a chegar quando ela perguntou se eu queria que ela me levasse a casa, já que fica em caminho e ela tinha o carro estacionado no parque.
“A sério Ana, não é preciso. Os meus avós de certeza que já devem estar à espera.”
“Tudo bem. Mas olha que não era incómodo nenhum.”
“Eu sei.” Disse com um sorriso. “Mas não vale a pena. Fica para outra vez.”
Chegámos finalmente. Estava ainda muito calor, mas ela ficou ainda uns minutos comigo à espera que os meus avós chegassem. Fomos todos para perto do carro para eu pôr as malas e ela foi-lhes falar.
“Olhá Mna. Ana! Atão como vai isso?” Disse o meu avô. Seguiu-se então uma amena converseta que terminou num convite para um café.
“Eu telefono-te logo para combinar as horas, está bem? Ainda devo ir jantar a casa do Rui mas falo contigo antes.” O Rui é o namorado dela. (acho eu… não, é mesmo)
“Ok.”
22.10, ela bate à porta e entra. Sempre foi assim.
“Boa noite, pode-se entrar?” Disse com um sorriso.
“Oh menina Ana, faça favor.” Respondeu o meu avô. Ela foi-lhe falar e à minha avó também.
“Desculpa a demora, pensei que acabava mais cedo.”
“Ah, não faz mal então?” Respondi.
Mais uma amena cavaqueira com os meus avós e ela sai-se com esta.
“Oh Sr. Franco então já viu o que a nossa Inês tem ali?”
Não Ana… Ele não viu… Não viu ele senão outra coisa…
“Ai Mna. Ana, nem me diga nada.”
Escusado será dizer que durante os 5 ou mais minutos seguintes não se falou de outra coisa… Eu fiquei calada claro. Ia dizer o quê?
Resumindo e concluindo, ela basicamente disse que estava chocada por me ter visto assim e o meu avô não podia estar mais de acordo.
“Mas oh Inês, tu não achas que é assim?” Disse ela.
“Eu não acho nada, já disse. Mas se vocês estão todos assim para mim, vou já tirar o piercing!” Foi ali mesmo e guardei-o.
“Ta na ta munto melhor assim? Diga lá Mna. Ana.”
Eu só olhava para os lados e para o tecto. Não lhe disse nada.
“Mais valia não ter dito nada…Olha o que eu fui arranjar.” Disse ela. Eu abstive-me de comentários.
No carro a conversa continuou.
“Mas Inês, a sério tu não achas?”
“Acho o quê Ana?”
“Olha lá, tu porque é que tu fizeste isso?”
“Fiz o quê?”
“O piercing.”
“Porque quis.”
“Mas quiseste porquê? Tens de ter algum motivo.”
“É preciso ter motivo?”
“Uma pessoa não faz isso só porque ‘quero’. Ou é porque viu alguém, ou porque é moda.”
“Olha Ana, eu fiz porque quis e pensei no assunto seriamente. Disse para mim mesma que seria o único que faria na minha vida e fiz. Só fiz porque quis.”
“Não me digas que foi, acordaste um dia e pensaste ‘Ah hoje apetece-me fazer um piercing.’ ”
“Foi mais ou menos isso.” Disse eu assim na brincadeira. Mas ela continuava com as razões dela. Ela pôs o carro em marcha e o assunto continuou.
“Mas ouve.. Eu só disse o que disse porque nunca pensei em tal, principalmente vindo de ti.” Disse ela enquanto conduzia.
Há tantas coisas, Ana.. Tantas…
“Lembro-me de ti como a Inês que andava sempre a jogar à bola e a correr dum lado para o outro, sempre com invenções… Tu eras a nossa menina.”
Parei um momento. Senti um nó na garganta. Olhava para as minhas mãos, os dedos entrelaçavam e desentrançavam-se entre si.
“Oh Ana, mas isto não muda quem eu sou.” Respondi eu em defesa própria.
Muda sim… muda mesmo… Ela não o disse mas eu sei que foi isso que pensou.
Chegámos à gelataria. Pedimos café para as duas e uma água. O assunto continuou. Eu sem querer levo a mão à sobrancelha, um gesto que repito vezes sem conta sem me aperceber.
“Não mexas nisso.” Diz ela. “Agora não podes, tens as mãos sujas.”
“Eu pus a dita pomada antes de sairmos… é um tique.”
Felizmente a conversa tomou outros rumos e lá deixamos o prego em paz. Em vez disso ela perguntou por mim. Eu comecei a falar e as coisas retornaram ao ponto em que eu me vim embora de Évora. Contei-lhe tudo, tudo aquilo que me atormentava e tudo aquilo que me magoou e continua a magoar, a nível pessoal, familiar, tudo. Estive quase a chorar, mas não chorei. O acumular de anos tem destas coisas… Não sei o que é pior, se o piercing se a minha desastrosa vida resumida numa esplanada.
Eles já estavam a fechar, pelo que tivemos que ir embora. Agora a conversa no carro era bem diferente. O código de DaVinci, impressionante.
00.37 Ela veio pôr-me à porta. O ânimo entre nós já estava mais desanuviado.
“Então pronto, não te vou contar o filme.” Disse eu e ia começar a despedir-me quando ela disse: “Inês, tu sabes que eu não te quero magoar.”
“Eu sei…” Respondi um pouco de forma derrotada. Penso que ela reparou. Então disse:
“Olha, tenho um segredo para te contar!”
“Hã? Diz lá.”
“Não, é segredo.”
“Oh Ana, estamos só aqui as duas!”
“Segredo.”
Eu lá dei o ouvido à palmatória. Ela fez tal e qual como as crianças da primária e pôs a mão à frente, como se alguém nos estivesse a ver.
“Ficas mais bonita sem o piercing.” Sussurrou ela.
Palavra de honra, fiquei sei lá como. Ele foi arrepios, suores frios, pele de galinha, foi tudo. Não sei como não desatei a chorar ali mesmo. Depois do esforço todo que eu tive para me conter! Grrr! Olhei para o tapete do carro e depois para ela. Ela só com um sorriso. Eu só suspirei.
“Prometes que tiras isso?”
“Não sei.”
“Preciso de uma resposta.”
“Ok, vou pensar.”
“Só pensar não.”
“Está bem, se queres que te diga agora vou dormir sobre o assunto.” Disse eu já com um pé fora do carro e um sorriso.
Ela não respondeu.
“Bom, já não te incomodo mais que tu deves ter mais que fazer…” Disse eu.
“Não incomodas nada, mas eu vou ter mesmo de ir.”
“Ok, então a gente ainda se vê?”
“Se tu quiseres.”
“Vais para Lisboa quando?”
“Na sexta-feira.”
“Ok…”
“Tchau linda, porta-te bem.”
“Não sei se consigo…” Lá nos despedimos e eu fui para casa.
Sentia o peito encolher dentro de mim, mas com uma vontade enorme de rebentar. Vesti o pijama às três pancadas, fui para o quarto e fechei a porta. Senti que tudo acabava ali. Mas não acabou. Vieram as lágrimas e desde então não pararam de correr. Aquilo que eu fui, ela mostrou-me. Aquilo que eu agora não sou, nem nunca voltarei a ser, eu vi nos olhos dela. Vi também a decepção, a confusão, a condescendência, a intolerância, o porquê Inês ressaltava.. Senti-me mal, muito mal. A ponto de ter uma emése (acho que é assim; para quem não sabe, é o vómito) Senti um vazio colossal que não consigo descrever.
Sinto-me suja, gasta, podre.
Sinto-me mal. Muito mal mesmo.
Por mais lágrimas que corram, nenhuma delas será capaz de limpar a alma.
“Inês! O que fazes aqui?!”
Eu provavelmente nem teria reparado, vinha com os phones nos ouvidos. Mas lá olhei por detrás dos óculos de sol. Quando vi quem era nem me tinha em mim.
“Ana! Meu Deus!” Disse eu com uma alegria enorme. “Não te tinha visto!”
“Pois eu já te tinha chamado, mas como ias com isso nos ouvidos…” Disse ela à laia de reprimenda.
“Desculpa.” Respondi eu sinceramente. “Mas tu olha, quando me vires assim meio distraída, por favor diz-me algo.”
“Ok.”
“Vais para Évora, não?”
“Sim, vim hoje para Lisboa e ainda vou hoje.”
“Olha, qual é o teu número?”
“O 14. Tu?”
“25. Ah deixa lá, sentamo-nos no mesmo sítio.” Isto com o autocarro cheio de gente… Tivemos sorte que ninguém nos foi reclamar o lugar. Começámos na conversa. A Ana é uma amiga de longa data. Crescemos práticamente juntas e andámos sempre juntas desde a primária até ao 9º ano. Depois mudámos de escola, mas nunca perdemos o contacto. Até eu ir para Lisboa. Ainda me perguntam porque é que odeio Lisboa… Eu respondo: Lisboa fez-me perder tudo aquilo que eu tinha de melhor na vida.
Ela também estuda em Lisboa, mas é muito complicado nós arranjarmos tempo para nos encontrarmos. Ora quis o destino que fosse hoje. A Ana é minha afilhada, do crisma. Quando ela me convidou eu fiquei muito contente, porque ela nunca tinha realmente dado muita importância a essas coisas. As nossas famílias sempre se deram lindamente. Ora já estávamos no autocarro, a instalar-nos e a falar quando eu de repente tiro os óculos para falar com ela e ela fica muito espantada a olhar para mim.
“Oh Inês! O que é isso?!”
Eu, muito sinceramente, não fazia a mínima. “Onde?”
“Aí, na tua cara!”
“Ah…” Disse eu assim muito ao de leve. O piercing…
“Meu Deus! Mas… Quando o fizeste? O que disseram os teus avós?!”
“Há quase um ano. Não disseram nada de especial, só me perguntam todos os dias quando tiro daqui o prego.” Disse eu com um sorriso forçado.
“Oh meu Deus! Oh meu deus…” Era só o que ela dizia.
Lá falámos da vida e tal, exames, faculdade… Ela entretanto deixou-se dormir, cansada com certeza. Eu pus os phones e passei o resto da viagem a olhar pela janela.
Estávamos quase a chegar quando ela perguntou se eu queria que ela me levasse a casa, já que fica em caminho e ela tinha o carro estacionado no parque.
“A sério Ana, não é preciso. Os meus avós de certeza que já devem estar à espera.”
“Tudo bem. Mas olha que não era incómodo nenhum.”
“Eu sei.” Disse com um sorriso. “Mas não vale a pena. Fica para outra vez.”
Chegámos finalmente. Estava ainda muito calor, mas ela ficou ainda uns minutos comigo à espera que os meus avós chegassem. Fomos todos para perto do carro para eu pôr as malas e ela foi-lhes falar.
“Olhá Mna. Ana! Atão como vai isso?” Disse o meu avô. Seguiu-se então uma amena converseta que terminou num convite para um café.
“Eu telefono-te logo para combinar as horas, está bem? Ainda devo ir jantar a casa do Rui mas falo contigo antes.” O Rui é o namorado dela. (acho eu… não, é mesmo)
“Ok.”
22.10, ela bate à porta e entra. Sempre foi assim.
“Boa noite, pode-se entrar?” Disse com um sorriso.
“Oh menina Ana, faça favor.” Respondeu o meu avô. Ela foi-lhe falar e à minha avó também.
“Desculpa a demora, pensei que acabava mais cedo.”
“Ah, não faz mal então?” Respondi.
Mais uma amena cavaqueira com os meus avós e ela sai-se com esta.
“Oh Sr. Franco então já viu o que a nossa Inês tem ali?”
Não Ana… Ele não viu… Não viu ele senão outra coisa…
“Ai Mna. Ana, nem me diga nada.”
Escusado será dizer que durante os 5 ou mais minutos seguintes não se falou de outra coisa… Eu fiquei calada claro. Ia dizer o quê?
Resumindo e concluindo, ela basicamente disse que estava chocada por me ter visto assim e o meu avô não podia estar mais de acordo.
“Mas oh Inês, tu não achas que é assim?” Disse ela.
“Eu não acho nada, já disse. Mas se vocês estão todos assim para mim, vou já tirar o piercing!” Foi ali mesmo e guardei-o.
“Ta na ta munto melhor assim? Diga lá Mna. Ana.”
Eu só olhava para os lados e para o tecto. Não lhe disse nada.
“Mais valia não ter dito nada…Olha o que eu fui arranjar.” Disse ela. Eu abstive-me de comentários.
No carro a conversa continuou.
“Mas Inês, a sério tu não achas?”
“Acho o quê Ana?”
“Olha lá, tu porque é que tu fizeste isso?”
“Fiz o quê?”
“O piercing.”
“Porque quis.”
“Mas quiseste porquê? Tens de ter algum motivo.”
“É preciso ter motivo?”
“Uma pessoa não faz isso só porque ‘quero’. Ou é porque viu alguém, ou porque é moda.”
“Olha Ana, eu fiz porque quis e pensei no assunto seriamente. Disse para mim mesma que seria o único que faria na minha vida e fiz. Só fiz porque quis.”
“Não me digas que foi, acordaste um dia e pensaste ‘Ah hoje apetece-me fazer um piercing.’ ”
“Foi mais ou menos isso.” Disse eu assim na brincadeira. Mas ela continuava com as razões dela. Ela pôs o carro em marcha e o assunto continuou.
“Mas ouve.. Eu só disse o que disse porque nunca pensei em tal, principalmente vindo de ti.” Disse ela enquanto conduzia.
Há tantas coisas, Ana.. Tantas…
“Lembro-me de ti como a Inês que andava sempre a jogar à bola e a correr dum lado para o outro, sempre com invenções… Tu eras a nossa menina.”
Parei um momento. Senti um nó na garganta. Olhava para as minhas mãos, os dedos entrelaçavam e desentrançavam-se entre si.
“Oh Ana, mas isto não muda quem eu sou.” Respondi eu em defesa própria.
Muda sim… muda mesmo… Ela não o disse mas eu sei que foi isso que pensou.
Chegámos à gelataria. Pedimos café para as duas e uma água. O assunto continuou. Eu sem querer levo a mão à sobrancelha, um gesto que repito vezes sem conta sem me aperceber.
“Não mexas nisso.” Diz ela. “Agora não podes, tens as mãos sujas.”
“Eu pus a dita pomada antes de sairmos… é um tique.”
Felizmente a conversa tomou outros rumos e lá deixamos o prego em paz. Em vez disso ela perguntou por mim. Eu comecei a falar e as coisas retornaram ao ponto em que eu me vim embora de Évora. Contei-lhe tudo, tudo aquilo que me atormentava e tudo aquilo que me magoou e continua a magoar, a nível pessoal, familiar, tudo. Estive quase a chorar, mas não chorei. O acumular de anos tem destas coisas… Não sei o que é pior, se o piercing se a minha desastrosa vida resumida numa esplanada.
Eles já estavam a fechar, pelo que tivemos que ir embora. Agora a conversa no carro era bem diferente. O código de DaVinci, impressionante.
00.37 Ela veio pôr-me à porta. O ânimo entre nós já estava mais desanuviado.
“Então pronto, não te vou contar o filme.” Disse eu e ia começar a despedir-me quando ela disse: “Inês, tu sabes que eu não te quero magoar.”
“Eu sei…” Respondi um pouco de forma derrotada. Penso que ela reparou. Então disse:
“Olha, tenho um segredo para te contar!”
“Hã? Diz lá.”
“Não, é segredo.”
“Oh Ana, estamos só aqui as duas!”
“Segredo.”
Eu lá dei o ouvido à palmatória. Ela fez tal e qual como as crianças da primária e pôs a mão à frente, como se alguém nos estivesse a ver.
“Ficas mais bonita sem o piercing.” Sussurrou ela.
Palavra de honra, fiquei sei lá como. Ele foi arrepios, suores frios, pele de galinha, foi tudo. Não sei como não desatei a chorar ali mesmo. Depois do esforço todo que eu tive para me conter! Grrr! Olhei para o tapete do carro e depois para ela. Ela só com um sorriso. Eu só suspirei.
“Prometes que tiras isso?”
“Não sei.”
“Preciso de uma resposta.”
“Ok, vou pensar.”
“Só pensar não.”
“Está bem, se queres que te diga agora vou dormir sobre o assunto.” Disse eu já com um pé fora do carro e um sorriso.
Ela não respondeu.
“Bom, já não te incomodo mais que tu deves ter mais que fazer…” Disse eu.
“Não incomodas nada, mas eu vou ter mesmo de ir.”
“Ok, então a gente ainda se vê?”
“Se tu quiseres.”
“Vais para Lisboa quando?”
“Na sexta-feira.”
“Ok…”
“Tchau linda, porta-te bem.”
“Não sei se consigo…” Lá nos despedimos e eu fui para casa.
Sentia o peito encolher dentro de mim, mas com uma vontade enorme de rebentar. Vesti o pijama às três pancadas, fui para o quarto e fechei a porta. Senti que tudo acabava ali. Mas não acabou. Vieram as lágrimas e desde então não pararam de correr. Aquilo que eu fui, ela mostrou-me. Aquilo que eu agora não sou, nem nunca voltarei a ser, eu vi nos olhos dela. Vi também a decepção, a confusão, a condescendência, a intolerância, o porquê Inês ressaltava.. Senti-me mal, muito mal. A ponto de ter uma emése (acho que é assim; para quem não sabe, é o vómito) Senti um vazio colossal que não consigo descrever.
Sinto-me suja, gasta, podre.
Sinto-me mal. Muito mal mesmo.
Por mais lágrimas que corram, nenhuma delas será capaz de limpar a alma.
