Empty Paper

(note: should have posted this last night, but I fell asleep)

Give me a piece of paper and I'll write

My whole life for you down I think
I'll return an empty paper but
Don't throw it away, it's still my life
Maybe I'll ever write a word when I've found it
Yes, I'm looking for it but it is hard to find

Please give me a another reason to live cause
Mine is total lost and now i am ashamed
Of myself cause I'm not happy I'm
Blaming the whole world of things they
Really did but I cannot smile from inside out
Yes, I'm working on it but it is hard to find

I think I've found it but
I can't say i missed you my whole life
That would be stupid and I'm not and that's a lie

Let me just believe in my lies or tell me the truth
Choose and come to tell what you decided
And then I'm ready to take me for all that I am
Yes, then I'm ready to take me for all that I am

I think I've found it but
I can't say i missed you my whole life
That would be stupid and I'm not and that's a lie

Give me a piece of paper

--lyrics by Astrid van der Veen


Can't find a better thing to express my mood right now. It's somewhere between a rock and a hard place, though I'm not really sure where that is.. I could ramble in here about it, but I just won't do it.
To make a long story short: I think it was Jesus who said (well it's in the Bible, I s'pose) if someone slapped you across your face that you should give 'em the other cheek. Good ol' Jesus... You can tell he wasn't used to deal with us mortals. Really. Ok, so I got a a big time, ol' fashioned slap on my face today. I didn't give no other cheek. I just stood there, heck if I was supposed to get the hell beaten outta me, I wouldn't have moved a finger. I couldn't. I shouldn't.

I had dinner alone. No, not at home. That would have been even more pathetic. I kept my word and appeared at the restaurant.
"Excuse me I had a reservation for tonight. Turns out it'll only be me."
"Of course Miss, no problem. Right this way please."

I sat, ordered and ate in silence. Nothing I would say or think would make any sense. I wasn't making any sense to me at least. I got a few looks around, among the occasional family or even the so-much-in-love traditional couple, actually there were like two or three people eating by themselves as well. Probably some lonely hearts club members too. Ok, I am making assumptions here. But it goes as they say, 'it takes one to know one'.
I paid my tab and came home.

Home.

Well it's my home now.

Good thing I got no roomies still here.

It's better like this.