Monokuro mood

(Note: today I will post two posts. I know, they have utterly different messages but I do it 'cos I just feel like it.)

In myself, I see no dreams, like unpainted pictures

How many times must I fill this canvas?
I'll abandon time as I hold a white flag overhead
I am your unknown color now.

--Colors, Utada Hikaru

I need to get out. I have to get out of here. Of this place, of this house, of this body. I need to shed my skin and grow a new one. Start over. People should have chances in life like this. I am tired and weary of the same face everyday. I look at me and I see nothing. The blank look, the rings around my eyes denote exhaustion. I want a new body I want a new soul. It's like a merry-go-round, except I don't have any tickets left for another ride. Anyway what for? What is the purpose of living a life alone. I'm not afraid of saying it anymore. Before I thought it was a sign of weakness if I showed others my weaknesses. Now, I don't care. I am too indifferent to it. I want something more. Something that fulfills me, something I call it my own. I thought that some loneliness was alright. I was always the loner kind. I was alone, but never lonely. That was what I thought. How can you teach someone who spent her life shutting other people out to let them in again? I'd say it's a pretty tough thing. But hey that's only me.

Is it too selfish of me or too stupid if I say I miss the feeling of an embrace, the warmth of a kiss or even the touch of hands in my hair?

Because if it is, I already said it and I really do miss it.

It's been a long time.

Too long.