Soul sessions

The waiting room is white, the usual clean aspect and the stuffed chairs complete the room. Behind the counter, two employees attend the pacients. I feel a little uncomfortable, it's the first time I come here.

After a while, I am called. The doctor is at the door waiting for me to come in. She's looks nice, I think. it's the first lady doctor I've seen in this area.. I sit on the chair. The first questions are the usual get-to-know questions. Family background, school stuff.. all that. Then we get to work on me.

I get to look at her from time to time... Her features are quite pretty. I muse... Maybe in another time and place... I lushiously grin inside.

Then the path taken lead us to pouring emotions out. I break in front of her, though I didn't want to, that's why I and her are here.

I try hard to contain myself, to no avail, I know... She says it's alright, that I should let it all out..

I just want to scream so loud.. I hear...

"If you came here is because you wanted help. You have to help me help you." She extended her hand across the desk, reaching my enclosed hands. She tenderly squeezed them.

I didn't look at her, my face was tear streaked. I felt so vulnerable. Felt like she had really pierced my soul and unfolded all the layers of my multiplicity. She gave me a tissue and smiled. I was taken away.

The session was over. Next month, another round in the ring. I was about to leave when she called again in the hall. She gave me a small card, I looked at it. A business card.

"If you have any questions or if you have the need to talk, give me a call. Anytime."

She smiled and I nodded. She bid farewell and moved onto the next pacient. The door closed behind me. I took a breath and moved to the reception to pay.

I got home and i locked myself in my room. I've been here since I got home. I don't want to see anyone right now. I just want to be one with myself. If that is possible at any time.

I'm sitting on my bed, holding my pillow like if holding to life itself. My mind is empty. Dozens, no hundreds of actions pass by and I watch, powerless to react. So many things I wanted to do, people to help.. How can I help other people if I can't even help myself?

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My time moves slowly
Gliding across the veil of my nude skin
If I should cross the border you made for me
maybe i would not be here

But not what sense does it make
To try and embrace a more pristine past
looking forward I will take the risk
but I'll find answers to my why's

All that you will be
has already been written
If he truly exists
This god has failed

Every word pronouned
Will be the mirror of your pain
reflecting the blame
Feeding the hate

Mother

I'll choose my destiny
If I'm able to resist

I am still standing in this moment of pure madness
I don't know anymore if I should desire good or evil
Although sin maybe gives me more

But now what sense does it make
To try to resist a written destiny
I'm not going to sit back and watch
Without trying to resist you

Waking me up

Mother

I'll choose my destiny
If I'm able to resist

Waking me up

There's no choice without me
There's no life without me