A comment on the comment

I read the e-mail repeatedly today. Until it sunk in as you said, hope it really did.

The different side of me that you claim you are seeing hasn’t popped out all of a sudden. It was always here. It’s a part of who I am and it will always be no matter how well I try to hide it or try to neglect it. We all have a less cheery side within us, some of us don’t have it at all. Others like me have it deeply in us but manage to learn how to embrace it and hope it doesn’t take hold of your entire being. Sometimes, it’s a daily quest.

You say it’s strange how I can hide it so well. By that, I can assume you’re referring to the good-natured heart person you’ve always seen in me. I’m not saying I’m not like that. It’s funny when you keep pushing things inside of you. Someday eventually, they’ll resurface.

I’ve seen the good but I’ve also seen the bad. I’ve felt it in my veins. And no, this is not a joke, I’ve really seen things that most people don’t even dream about, hell they don’t even think they exist! When I felt it, I felt good, I felt great. Like if, I was high. However, that’s the catch when you sober up. You realize there’s nothing left around you.

I had very dark time in my life. I’m not saying I’m worthy of pity because I despise that.
I had it all to be big. I had the brains, friends, some charm and talent if I may add that.

I lost it all.

What ensued all that can only be described as a total head-dive into darkness.

I became a prisoner of myself. I was ripped away from all I cherished and dumped into a wasteland.

No friends, no charm, no talent. I secluded myself in my own world where I thought none of this could reach me. I had my own personal stage, my personal vivid characters. I don’t know if it was that what kept me sane most of the time.

But no one cared.

I cried many times but no one seemed to notice. I was in pain but no one asked. I was hurt but no one came to me. I asked for help and everyone turned their faces.

The concept of invisible passed my mind right now.

I locked my feelings deep inside of me, buried most of my emotions. Created a shell around me. Yes, cold and insensitive bitch. If I had the need to cry, I’d go somewhere else or when no one was around. In six, seven (?) years, few people can have the privilege to say that they’ve seen me spill a tear.

During that time, a new me arose. The different, darker me.

Wrong friends, wrong charms, even evil talents if I must say, were acquired. I was blinded by it all. Looking back, I am not proud of it. But I had no other way. Even if I had one, there was no one there to help and point the way out.

Have you ever seen a pierrot? Or even a simple clown?
Clowns hide behind all that make up, goofy stunts and even fake smiles. Sometimes, they don’t even smile at all.

I am a clown. By making other people feel good, I hide my pain and sorrow. I am not used to other people caring about me. When they do, I’m afraid, I end up pushing them away.

What happened that day was like a soul shock to me. Having that childhood friend of mine saying those things and having flashbacks of who I used to be and knowing what I became really got into me.

I have many things bottled up inside. I’m sorry I’m not like a book but that’s all part of my defensive system. I don’t want to pull anyone else into the whirlpool.

Those oh-not-so-cheery posts are just the tip of the iceberg on what concerns me opening up. Believe me, it goes much deeper than that.

I’ve done really nasty things in my short-lived existence (don’t worry, I haven’t killed anyone and I’m not planning to do so in the next 70 years..) and I regret them every single day. I can’t think of a better penitence for that.

They say you can’t miss what you never had. I care to disagree of that.
Call me a fool but I miss so many of life’s little things that can be of such pleasure.
That warm motherly hug when you’re sick, when you’re scared, when you’re sad. The good night kiss, the bedtime story, and the only because I love and care for you kiss… I miss that all and yet, I never experienced it. Curious, isn’t it?

I could be a lifetime source of study for any psychiatrist.

But it’s like rehab, one day at a time. The worse thing is when I feel I walk two steps front, I end up twenty steps behind.

Look at this, I kept babbling. I always end up doing it when I merely want to say something simple.

ありがとう*humbly bows* I want to thank you Ana : ) For the encouraging words you sent me. After I read them, I felt like the Grinch (if you don’t understand, watch the movie). It was a kind gesture of you, one of the fewest I’ve had in years and I’m not exaggerating.

Looking forward to that guitar-searching quest! (^_^)/ でわそのうちに。