Insert coin

Well, it's one of those days again. One where I self-pity for not having done more, for not trying harder, for not... that's it. Not.

The word I was looking for. Hmm.. actually an adverb which denotes negation of a word and/or a group of words.

I think it pretty much describes me.

Try adding that to most of the adjectives you know and you get... me.

Actually.. you get pretty much everyone using that.. But heck. It's my turn now.

I am more calm now, but I had a rollercoaster day. So now I am listening to mellow songs, got the Kleenex box by my side, my nose is all blocked and my voice is raspy..

I had Doc earlier. You know, that pretty lady Doc I think I already mentioned here.

Well, she's still pretty since the last session. A tad bit lil' more if I dare to say. Anyway... we started talking and and she asked me stuff, she compared some of her notes and said that I'm making good progresses. She said she was really happy for that and honestly, so was I.

So far so good. We then debated on my antagonist mother/daughter relationship Or the lack of it, that's better.

That's a critical point for me I must confess (well, one among many..). But I am trying, and so far I haven't managed to overcome it or at least have a different approach to it. Maybe it's more complex than I or Doc thought... Any way, we just started on that now.

The talk moved into areas like physical contact and/or physical displays. In an earlier evaluation, she noted that I gestured a lot, but when it came it actual contact, she quoted what I said before (e.g, someone holding/embracing me) I would withdraw myself and most likely to break contact. She now asked me why.

"I don't want to get attached too much to people. They will eventually leave and that would hurt."

"So you're telling me that you don't get close in that way to other people because you're anticipating their departure from your life?"

"Yeah, pretty much that. Except that it only applies to the people I really like. I mean, really really like."

 "So tell me, does it happens more with boys or girls?" I swear that woman reads people. She READS 'em. OK, that's her job really.

I didn't even blinked when I she asked that.

"Girls."

"You feel more affinity towards them because of your mother, am I right?"

"Yes." Pull-the-talk-outta-me-with-a-string face.

"Do you know the reason why?"

Ok, I started kind of twitching on my seat. "Well.. I think it's because.. I believe I could compensate the non-existent motherly bond by finding other people whose traits would appeal to me.

"And..?"

"And that would be by searching for, in this case, a female sort of model/reference, or if you like, people that I am comfortable with."

She just looked at me wanting some more complete answer. "And.. it usually never works because in that search I always tend, well it sort of happens in the process, to end up having mixed up feelings." Please stop now.

"Are you embarrassed now? By telling this?"

"Yes, a little." NO!! You should have said no!

"It's alright. Tell me, when was the last time you had a display of affection from your mother?"

"Can never be applied here? Because I honestly do not remember. I must have been a baby then and I still have some doubts about that."

"Sarcasm isn't allowed."

Damn..

"Very well.. What would your reaction be, if your mother hugged you for instance?"

My face must have been priceless back then. "None. I wouldn't have a reaction."

"I see."

"No you don't Doc. It's awful when you know you came here into this world and you weren't wanted. But worse of all is when that isn't even concealed and most of the time, rubbed on your face. This, I wouldn't wish not to even the worse of my enemies. Yes I am afraid of love and to be loved because all I've learned so far hurts too much to say, and people really don't care and people leave. They leave you stranded. So I have no reasons to be here because the issues I have about my mother will never go away because she simply.. doesn't... care."

Ok, snapping point. Here all hell broke loose and so the friggin' tears that had been building up in my eyes. She gave me some space. Then rose up and came up to me.

She knelt down and said "I already know the answer, but did your mother ever held you on anytime you cried or anything similar?.

"No." I said between sobs. "Even if she wanted it, I wouldn't let her. Mothers should not hurt their children. They shouldn't." And I kept crying.

"As a mother, I completely agree with what you said. I'd never forgive myself if I knew my child was in such pain and do nothing about it. No one deserves to carry such burden."

"Yeah, well.." I had nothing more to say.

She looked at the clock. "I guess our time's up. I want to see you again, this time sooner. Is next month ok for you?"

"Yes."

"Good. You did well today." She smiled. "Your process of exteriorizing your emotions is going well, now you must keep going."

"Thanks Doc." Really, I didn't know whether to thank her or hate her. No, I don't hate her.

She walked me to the door and hugged me. I felt weird. No no... not that weird. I mean a confusing weird. Yea it was that. I mean, we were just talking about that. I think it must have been some part of the therapy, I dunno. I just stood there, didn't move a muscle. I swear I didn't know what to do.

"It's ok. You'll get there. See you next month."

"Goodbye."

Home. Finally. The drive was in utter silence. I was asked how it went in there.
Fine, it was just fine.

I ate something, but my stomach was clenching. I just wanted my room.

Now I am in my room since dinner time. I have papers scattered on my desk, a prelude for a works' night and the sleeves of my shirt are a little wrinkled and wet.

I came here and cried. No emotions attached to my tears now. I guess I just needed to get something out of my system. The concern of getting back tomorrow sort of haunts me. I don't want to go.

I just wanted her to love me. Is that so much to ask?