Fragment IV or Déjà Vu All Over Again

(Author's Note: Well, it has been a while since I last posted. Lol I don’t even know why I bother, no one reads the stuff I write... (^_^') Oh well, moving to important things, the post. P.S.- This should have been posted a couple of days ago.)

Another Monday.

Classes early. Me no like classes early. But... (wearing mage's cape and magick circle invoked) One must obey its destiny so the prophecy shall be fulfilled! (what the heck am I talking about?) Anyway the thing is I hate Mondays.

Today was going pretty normal (of course "normal" is a rather relative term for me...) I had a class from 9AM to 11AM then a 2 hour break then another class till 2.30PM.

I usually sit alone in every class. I don't want to disturb or get disturbed. Sometimes I can't help it.

So today, on that class, I sat on the desk (which is a two-seat desk) with another girl I kinda know from college.

She's alright.

We kinda have this mutual empathy, balanced empathy. At least that's what I think. She likes stuff I like too and we talk fine too each other.

As I was proceeding to my musings about the problem and the graphics on the wall (my musings didn't go very far... they never do when it's Physics...) I noticed something on the corner of my eye.

She was drawing. Well at first it was a doodle or something. But it was a drawing nevertheless. As it started to take shape, I saw it was an anime-like face.

Now, in the middle of all that, my brained stopped. And I swear I went back in time.
At least 5 years of my life. The happy years of my life.

And I remembered her. For a fraction of second, I was not longer in my present room, I was in my high school classroom (well, one of them) and it was raining outside and she was there. Drawing. The same, kinda anime-like doodles (she never liked me calling it doodles. And was right. They weren't just doodles, it was art. But I only did it to pick on her.)
I was looking at the drawing and it always amazed me how she did it so well, flawlessly I must add, and so perfect. Then again, she is perfect.

I really admired her. But one cannot admire without feeling, and it was them who got me into troubles in the first place. Sometimes, admiration can be mistaken for other kind of feeling, but it's not quite the same...

Everything I was back then and everything we were back then washed over me. It was overwhelming.

After the "Impulse" (that's what I like to call to the unnatural, catastrophic, heart-wrecking situation I caused) we never spoke again. I mean, we do. But it's really like as if we don't. I don't blame her. I only blame myself. Because... just because.
She specifically asked me not to send her anymore birthday cards, X-Mas cards, Halloween... I should never send or address something to her ever again. No contact whatsoever. I stared at the monitor speechless.

You might ask how I felt upon that request. I'll tell you.

I felt like shit.

She was my best friend and NO ONE can imagine the pain of being shut out like that from somebody’s life that you grew to like so much.

I screamed a lot in my room that day. But I respected her decision and for as much as it cost me, I think I kept my promise.

We scarcely spoke again from that day on.

She said she still wanted to be friends with me. Excuse me for what I'm gonna say, but I don't believe that. A friendship needs commitment, if not big enough, then small enough. Just to let the other person know you care and that you're there. I don't feel that coming from her. All I feel is a barrier between us. Like a wall of shame.

She said she wanted to talk to me still, but I don't see any of that. The few times we exchange a few words is over the Internet and it's me who says 'Hi.' most of the time and the talks are really lifeless compares to what we used to have. She's always doing a report or going to bed or she's tired so we just say goodbye like, 5 sentences later. Whenever I intend to start a conversation with her it's really difficult, you know? Should I should I not? It's like if I am afraid, but of what I don't know. We don't have anything in common anymore. We became strangers to one another.

I'm not gonna lie to you. It hurts. It really hurts like Hell. It hurts everyday, every time I think about it. And yeah, I'm crying right now. So what? I still must have some human traits left in this shell my body came to be. Sorry, I can't type and wipe the tears that run through my face at the same time.

I tried to get the old gang together again; talked to them but no one listened.
Guess they we’re too busy to listen to me.

She’s always busy too I guess. Having her perfect little life, with her perfect grades, her perfect family, her perfect friends, her perfect boyfriend.

I turned out to be none of that. Perfect is a word that does not exist on my dictionary nor in my life. It never did.

I am very far from being a normal, good or even being a person once again.

I almost had to have an intake of air when I "returned" because I think my brain cells weren't having enough oxygen. That kinda must have alerted my classmate ‘cos she looked at me somewhat concerned.

“Choke, wrong pipe.” I blurted out. She didn't say a word.

I didn’t look good I suppose. I usually never do after a walk on the memory lane. This wasn’t different from any other I had before.

The class finished soon and I was glad no one asked me funny questions.

Oh, guess what? She and the desk girl, their birthday is on the same day.
Funny, huh?

I don’t think she is gonna read this, but if by any chance she does, all I want to say is that I ask of her not to misinterpret my words. They have no other meanings beyond the presented ones. And since that I’m on a pour-your-heart-out mood, I just wanna say that I miss her and I miss us. We were really close and not in a million years something like that will happen again.

Your friend,
Inês