Fragment I

(I am sorry, but this post is a bit late. It's suppose to date from last Tuesday but I had some problems with my laptop so I'm only posting it now)


Today is Mardi Gras.
Everyone is probably having fun or resting or doing something they like.

I'm not.

I'm home today, in my room, in front of a computer.

I think I have a socializing problem. I think I am afraid of people. Well, maybe not people themselves... Just social relationships.

- I'm not popular anymore (not popular in like popstar-bitch-slut thing, people don't want to hang around with me anymore)

- I don't make friends easily anymore (maybe because I got darker, bitter perhaps. Maybe it's just regrets of a former life?)

- I don't like to go out anymore (hey if you have no friends, where's the point?)

- I spend most of my time alone, at home (my room never looked better)

- I rarely invite people to come to my place... (I'm afraid of what they would find out)

...

I could go on and on. But does it make me richer or smarter or beautiful?

Nope, it doesn't. *Sigh*

She is home today as well. That's the bad thing about holidays.. I was better off alone than with her around.

She's been drinking. No, it's not the first time. And it certainly won't be the last. She has done it many times before. I've known that since I've known myself.

She hasn't said a word to me all day long. Hey, I'm not complaining. She's just there, smoking and drinking her brains out.

I hope she drowns.

Her lips have turned slightly purple because of the wine. Her eyes are puffy and her movements uncoordinate. Her skin is a little pale, contrarily of what people know about alcohol effects. When you look at her, she could easily pass as a deceased. Except that she is walking (well, bumping into things) and breathing.

God, I wish she was dead.

She occasionally breaks something. I can hear it from my room. And she's talking on the phone. She spends the whole day talking on the goddamn phone, boozin' up and she can't even talk to me?

I hate her.

I really do.

Sometimes I think what it would be like if I killed her. Seriously!
Would it put an end to all the pain she has put us through?
Would it feel good?
To look her in the eyes to see life escaping her body, watching her blood flowing out and to know it was over?

I hate Justice.

Sometimes I think on hurting myself.
You know, cut myself and stuff like that?
But even there I am a coward. I just can't do it.

I am powerless.