Anyone but you, Part II: The green-eyed monster isn't just lurking, it's rubbing it's hands with satisfaction.

Part II of a series of unfortunate events...

Today is Monday. Well, was Monday. Some of the latest events cast me further into the pit I am so eagerly wanting to climb and run away.

It's not your fault. I can't help to look at you in a different perspective than the one I should be looking at. Then again, my eyes are not known to look at the obvious...


I have a confession: Now I know what's like to feel jealousy. Of course I have felt it before, but never as much as I did some nights ago.

You're tantalizing.
You bewitch whomever you please, then you leave us dying for your attention. You're evil. But I wonder... Do you even know that you are doing it? Is it intentional or just natural?
Either way, it's tantalizing.

You danced, you pulled me near, I felt the scent of your barely dry hair. You smelt like freshly picked roses, still covered with morning dew. It was one of the most fascinating scents I've ever been exposed to.
But it wasn't just a random act, that one. Throughout the evening, you had the same manners with me, like the waves, reaching the shore one after another. It was not as innocent as one might think.

Then, you changed the object of your attention and I felt as a king, dethroned and exiled to a far away land, to see his kingdom, be pillaged by barbarians.

I stepped aside, looking in the distance. Occasionally, you glanced at me and I could never figure out what those glances meant.
But I do know, I felt jealousy. Of seeing another being near, close to you and daring much more than I did. I felt anger, deceit and angst. How could this happen? Of all the people in the world, why you?

Were the glances you threw me some kind of challenge, an invitation?

I will never know.

And by the holy Providence, today I had the biggest proof that the Universe can be perverse as well... when you sat right between me and your other subject, your other lackey, not even addressing a word to me, giving him so much more of you.

I so wanted to run.

I can't help to think about, the mind runs at the speed of light. I felt things I did not like to feel again. They made me feel uneasy and quite contrary to my character. But who said love or passion are rational?

Anyone but you, Part I:

where are we?
what the hell is going on?

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening 

Life has so many twists and turns and I should know. Once again, I've been caught in this intricate web of delusions and constraint that keep confusing me, my mind and my heart.

It has been a sort of a build up happening, unrelated events that, so subtly, keep adding up to this state I am in now. 

I simply can't be feeling this.

I guess it started a bit more ago than I really think it did. For me, it was only blatantly happening since last week, when we dragged our sorry bottoms into the night, under the petty excuse of going out. 
I was tired, I spent the whole day driving up, down and around the town and I got home with the biggest urge to call you or text you and say I was calling it off but I didn't do it. I knew you'd be upset and all, since we we're hyping it up for the whole week. I couldn't simply do that.

So, against my body's pleas and in favor of my mind's whims, I did go out.


The night was not that uneventful, having room for some laughs, alcohol, warm and fuzzy feelings that should have not taken place. Nevertheless, for a moment (or some moments), those thoughts were put aside, every time I argued with myself and strongly shook my head, eyes closed, hoping no one would notice, as if that simple movement would shake off the sinful thoughts that stubbornly kept rushing into my mind.

They just didn't disappear.

Now, more than a week after, I find myself craving for some balance between you and me.

I can only write random thoughts about the things I can only dream of...

Pull the curtains inside
I don't need to be flooded with the sun light
Better go before I yell at you
Leave me alone
I don't want
Anything new....


Just let me be.

How wrapped up can I be?

Just realized these were my first 2010 posts...

Hide and seek

Life has taken over, once again. Nonetheless, now it feels like I'm actually having a purpose in it. Happiness is not a solid concept, but I am beginning to see some of its effects, even if small ones.

There are some things still missing. Then again, perfection is not something that can be achieved but something to be achieved, little by little, in the details of our mortal lives.

Today, I smiled for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason? Not an immediate reason, I reckon but a reason that had been kept away, subconsciously in my mind. Funny how random thoughts, fruit of some creativity can bring both mirth and sorrow together in the same moment. However, just for a moment.

Life, as it is, is slowly being shaped, carved into some more... let's say... regular parameters. Yet, there are edges of and in me that cannot be filinged.
 
Today, my heart beat faster for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason?

No, there was no reason at all. Unfortunately, one cannot control the chemical and biological actions of its own body, when reactions are triggered even by the slightest sun beam. Because deep inside, the heart knows what the mind denies is true.

The mirth will always overcome the sorrow but the sorrow will never leave, becoming that constant regret, anger, the impotence before something that was doomed, even prior to its beginning or the thing that no one could stop from happening.

Things happen because they happen. Like the glass I dropped this morning before leaving, like the keys I forgot after I left, like the fall I took to avoid getting hit and hit another car, like the little notes randomly found making a little more bearable the absence of something dear, like the deadline I am running against in order to present a term paperwork... They just happen.

And in this eternal game of hide and seek I permeate my existence, not knowing if am I to hide forever or seek any other way to fool my heart.

What is done, is done.

Today, my heart beat faster for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason?

Yes, there was a reason.

Brainstorming

I love to express myself, whether through writing, singing, painting... whatever. I think it's cathartic, plus, a lot cheaper than the shrink... But even so, I've been slacking off at everything lately. It's hard to keep up with the things you love to do, opposed to the ones you really have to do.

"We love Lucy!"

Damn right we do! (^_^)

It's been a long time not coming here, I must say. It's becoming a (bad) habit of mine...
But anyway! Today I have an announcement!

It's with great pleasure that I present you...

"We love Lucy!", the new web comic by yours truly!

So go ahead and click it! Use your procrastination time well, by viewing this comic! XD

Poema-expresso

Palavras: vela, copo, quadro

Sim, é tarde.
Mais uma noite em claro.
Mais um vazio a somar aos
inúmeros buracos que compõem a minha alma.
Já perdi a conta aos copos que seguidos emborquei
na boca seca e amarga...
A chama de uma vela perdida na distância troça da minha fragilidade...
Que sabes tu,
Tu que iluminas e dás calor?
Tu, que em ti todos os olhos se fixam em espanto
por seres tão graciosa e ao mesmo tempo, mordaz?
Eu rio-me, só, enquanto me recolho na escuridão.
Deixo que o liquído cor de mosto atravesse mais uma vez
a minha garganta, áspera de tanto gritar.
Esse bálsamo inebriante.
Poderia até pintar um quadro, digno de museu
Como todos os que ficaram na história.
Os seus autores e eu, não somos tão diferentes assim.
A única diferença é que eles pintavam a sua loucura.

Secret thoughts....

You are my private Audey Tautou. Like she was a muse to Chanel's campaign, you are the muse to my inspiration...

New partner blog

For all of you who are somekind of Photoshop (part-time like me) artists, I bring you a new blog, Omake no Bāsho. It's still relatively new but I recon it'll develop just fine, once the owner starts working her ass out! *fit of laughter*

In her words:

This blog's purpose is to give other people to know about Photoshop art, tutorials, writing, fiction, anime, humor, music... Some of my passions! (^_^)b

Omake no Bāsho (click the image)