When the pain breaks us down

Against my will I decided to post today. I am so not in the mood for anything. As you all know I haven’t been here for a while. Among many issues, some very personal, I’ve been a little in and out of life. Last weekend some gruesome events took place and almost made me do something really stupid. Now, I look back and sometimes I think it might have not been that stupid at all; sometimes I think it would have been uber-stupid. In top of that I am injured, I have developed some kind of tendinitis on my right knee, mostly due to overuse, and an old sprained ankle has resurfaced. So, I’ve been all week under painkillers, ice and careful mobility. Hopefully, I won’t have to undergo any surgery. Let’s pray not.

I am having yet another of my moral dilemmas. I have this individual that is pretty significant to me going through some hardships at the moment. We talk often and I wish I could be of more help. I wish I could have better words to say because honestly I think that I am not… I’m not.

There are times I wished I could talk more affectionately, but I am afraid that my honest and sincere concern and affectionate words could be taken in another completely different way. But I can’t help it and it’s bottling up inside me. I wish sometimes I could go up to them and just hug them when they are in need. To say that all is going to be alright in the end. And I cried today because it’s not fair! NOT FAIR! To care so much for someone who says that it’s not possible to them to live without love. If I were to kill myself every time I went through that I would have died 4 times! And here is a person, a friend seeing those words in front of their eyes and not being able to do anything. If much, put some sense into a couple of heads. It hurt inside when I read what some of the words that were written. I don’t want to feel what I felt when I read that. It’s really hard to want to do something that you know you can’t/won’t do because of the possible disapproval. It’s taking some toil in me.

Persona non grata is almost my nickname and it’s something I should bare till the day people start to realize I have feelings too. I have done and put a lot in this life alone. I am tired of backing people off. I am so afraid of being alone that I don’t let people get to me. If they do, I just probably do some crap or start detaching myself because I don’t want to hurt them, or me. But God, never underestimate the power of human warmth. I think I have been letting mine slip away. Now here I am, wanting to bring comfort to someone I truly care about and I am afraid. It’s like 4AM and I can’t sleep.

This is a song I got like three days ago and I can’t think of any other that could help lift up the fucked up mood I’m in right now. ( ; _ ; )

It’s a change
That reaches down and suddenly lifts you
At the end of a rainy day when you sat alone and cried
It’s a sign that let’s you know there’s a life awaiting
The day you make your peace with the love in you that died

When the pain dies down
And the dam becomes a river
And the fire burns out
Under the rain
Can you feel it now?
It’s gone from you forever
Fading out
Under the rain

Like a train
That takes its time pulling outta the station
It’s a dream
That comforts you in the middle of the night
It’s a song
That carries you to a better emotion
And now, now
You know it’s gonna be alright

When the pain dies down
And the dam becomes a river
And the fire burns out
Under the rain
Can you hear me now?
A simple conversation
Fading out
Under the rain

The past is there behind you
And nothing is forever
And dancing on the river again

When the pain dies down
And the dam becomes a river
And the fire burns out
Under the rain
Can you feel it now?
It’s gone from you forever
Fading out
Turning away

I wish I was a better person. In every aspect of my soul