Heck. It's been a while.
When I started this blog, it was kind of an extension of me. I posted almost every day. Now, not so much. I am even surprised I even remember the password to get here.
Maybe I should post more. Write here all the things I want to say and can't say them.
Maybe this is one of those moments.
I've been meeting lots of new people. Funny people, people who I like to talk to. Probably a bit more than I really thought I would like to.
Perhaps even only one in particular.
I don't know how it got to this point. Might sound harsh, but I never had any intentions of deepening this bond. Maybe I still don't have those intentions. Maybe I do not want this. Maybe I am tricking myself into somewhat wanting this.
How do I get out?
Is this really happening? Can it be real? Could she really mean what she's saying? Sometimes it seems so... artificial.
I do not want this.
I do not want this.
How do I stop it? Can it be stopped? Won't it derrail into something bad, dreadful even?
I do not want to hurt her. I really don't.
But I think that's exactly what is going to happen.
I need things to be real.
This is possibly just a crush.. Not, not even a crush. A fling? A thing?
The conditioning my mind imposes are too a restraint.
The distance.
The age difference.
The ghost of YOU.
I can't leave YOU just yet. And certainly not with a relationship like this, destined to fail.
I can't lie. It certainly has been a distraction, a welcome distraction. Maybe more than it really should be.
I can't lie. Spending hours awake just to talk to her.
I can't lie. I do miss hearing her voice.
I ca't lie. I do blush when she sends me some innocent, perhaps not so innocent, innuendo messages.
I can't lie. I let out a breath I know I am holding whenever she sends the far, far from innocent messages. Sometimes it even makes me forget what she is.
I can't lie. It sometimes almost feel like happiness, it almost feels like it could be.
What is she then?
What is this?
I don't want this. I can't.
20 November, 2011
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07 July, 2011
Under Maintenance
Hello everyone! (^_^)/
I apologize for yet another of my forced absence here in the blog, but other priorities ensued. I'll do a slight makeover on the blog since I noticed some of the icons seemed to have disappeared.
Hope that now that I have a little more free time, I'll post and update more regularly.
Take care! (^_^)/
Love,
~Lach
I apologize for yet another of my forced absence here in the blog, but other priorities ensued. I'll do a slight makeover on the blog since I noticed some of the icons seemed to have disappeared.
Hope that now that I have a little more free time, I'll post and update more regularly.
Take care! (^_^)/
Love,
~Lach
03 November, 2010
Something is not right. I am not right. How can this suddenly happen?
Yes, I acknowledge what I said today. "War it is."
The question is, is it a war worth fighting for? Or will I be another among the casualties?
Is the sacrifice one makes too much of a high price to pay? Some would say yes, others no.
That is something only time can answer. But lessons past have taught me that the sacrifice of not loving isn't a sacrifice at all. Nothing is compared to the loss of a love lost even before it knew it was love.
Love is not a feeling, it's a plague. One of the most persistent ones I might add.
One cannot suffer from a disease if one does not risk into contaminated environments. So that is the solution, I shall not be contaminated for I won't even dare to walk to the border between me and the disease.
I shall remain in my ice tower as some would describe it, away from the disease. Not loving, not suffering, not living.
What's a life good for if it's taken from you?
Call me mad if you'd like, for it was love himself that threw me into this state of madness. It is only fair that I pay him back, by not letting him creep into my heart, by not letting him pulse in my veins, by not letting him use my voice to profess lies.
War it is.
I wish I could hate you as much as I love you.
Yes, I acknowledge what I said today. "War it is."
The question is, is it a war worth fighting for? Or will I be another among the casualties?
Is the sacrifice one makes too much of a high price to pay? Some would say yes, others no.
That is something only time can answer. But lessons past have taught me that the sacrifice of not loving isn't a sacrifice at all. Nothing is compared to the loss of a love lost even before it knew it was love.
Love is not a feeling, it's a plague. One of the most persistent ones I might add.
One cannot suffer from a disease if one does not risk into contaminated environments. So that is the solution, I shall not be contaminated for I won't even dare to walk to the border between me and the disease.
I shall remain in my ice tower as some would describe it, away from the disease. Not loving, not suffering, not living.
What's a life good for if it's taken from you?
Call me mad if you'd like, for it was love himself that threw me into this state of madness. It is only fair that I pay him back, by not letting him creep into my heart, by not letting him pulse in my veins, by not letting him use my voice to profess lies.
War it is.
I wish I could hate you as much as I love you.
In much need of CPR *
To my surprise, this is the last place I expected to come to tonight. It's been so long ago since my last post, things, people, life got in the way and time is never enough to do anything.
I wanted to write things, beautiful things in fact.
I should be really happy today, I had the reasons to.
Somehow, all of this does not concur with what I am feeling now. Funny how little things, itsy-bitsy details can make one's mood go from the sky into an abyss in 1.7 seconds. I really didn't count, but it seemed the right amount of time.
I feel weird now. But I didn't back then. Back then, it seemed things were a bit too good to be happening.
So I think now: some things are best left unseen, unheard and unspoken. They definitely do.
*The blog, not me... Although I think I need something like it, maybe just some defibrillation will do the trick...
if there is really a cure for this pathology.
I wanted to write things, beautiful things in fact.
I should be really happy today, I had the reasons to.
Somehow, all of this does not concur with what I am feeling now. Funny how little things, itsy-bitsy details can make one's mood go from the sky into an abyss in 1.7 seconds. I really didn't count, but it seemed the right amount of time.
I feel weird now. But I didn't back then. Back then, it seemed things were a bit too good to be happening.
So I think now: some things are best left unseen, unheard and unspoken. They definitely do.
*The blog, not me... Although I think I need something like it, maybe just some defibrillation will do the trick...
if there is really a cure for this pathology.
04 May, 2010
Anyone but you, Part II: The green-eyed monster isn't just lurking, it's rubbing it's hands with satisfaction.
Part II of a series of unfortunate events...
Today is Monday. Well, was Monday. Some of the latest events cast me further into the pit I am so eagerly wanting to climb and run away.
It's not your fault. I can't help to look at you in a different perspective than the one I should be looking at. Then again, my eyes are not known to look at the obvious...
I have a confession: Now I know what's like to feel jealousy. Of course I have felt it before, but never as much as I did some nights ago.
You're tantalizing.
You bewitch whomever you please, then you leave us dying for your attention. You're evil. But I wonder... Do you even know that you are doing it? Is it intentional or just natural?
Either way, it's tantalizing.
You danced, you pulled me near, I felt the scent of your barely dry hair. You smelt like freshly picked roses, still covered with morning dew. It was one of the most fascinating scents I've ever been exposed to.
But it wasn't just a random act, that one. Throughout the evening, you had the same manners with me, like the waves, reaching the shore one after another. It was not as innocent as one might think.
Then, you changed the object of your attention and I felt as a king, dethroned and exiled to a far away land, to see his kingdom, be pillaged by barbarians.
I stepped aside, looking in the distance. Occasionally, you glanced at me and I could never figure out what those glances meant.
But I do know, I felt jealousy. Of seeing another being near, close to you and daring much more than I did. I felt anger, deceit and angst. How could this happen? Of all the people in the world, why you?
Were the glances you threw me some kind of challenge, an invitation?
I will never know.
And by the holy Providence, today I had the biggest proof that the Universe can be perverse as well... when you sat right between me and your other subject, your other lackey, not even addressing a word to me, giving him so much more of you.
I so wanted to run.
I can't help to think about, the mind runs at the speed of light. I felt things I did not like to feel again. They made me feel uneasy and quite contrary to my character. But who said love or passion are rational?
Today is Monday. Well, was Monday. Some of the latest events cast me further into the pit I am so eagerly wanting to climb and run away.
It's not your fault. I can't help to look at you in a different perspective than the one I should be looking at. Then again, my eyes are not known to look at the obvious...
I have a confession: Now I know what's like to feel jealousy. Of course I have felt it before, but never as much as I did some nights ago.
You're tantalizing.
You bewitch whomever you please, then you leave us dying for your attention. You're evil. But I wonder... Do you even know that you are doing it? Is it intentional or just natural?
Either way, it's tantalizing.
You danced, you pulled me near, I felt the scent of your barely dry hair. You smelt like freshly picked roses, still covered with morning dew. It was one of the most fascinating scents I've ever been exposed to.
But it wasn't just a random act, that one. Throughout the evening, you had the same manners with me, like the waves, reaching the shore one after another. It was not as innocent as one might think.
Then, you changed the object of your attention and I felt as a king, dethroned and exiled to a far away land, to see his kingdom, be pillaged by barbarians.
I stepped aside, looking in the distance. Occasionally, you glanced at me and I could never figure out what those glances meant.
But I do know, I felt jealousy. Of seeing another being near, close to you and daring much more than I did. I felt anger, deceit and angst. How could this happen? Of all the people in the world, why you?
Were the glances you threw me some kind of challenge, an invitation?
I will never know.
And by the holy Providence, today I had the biggest proof that the Universe can be perverse as well... when you sat right between me and your other subject, your other lackey, not even addressing a word to me, giving him so much more of you.
I so wanted to run.
I can't help to think about, the mind runs at the speed of light. I felt things I did not like to feel again. They made me feel uneasy and quite contrary to my character. But who said love or passion are rational?
Anyone but you, Part I:
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
what the hell is going on?
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
Life has so many twists and turns and I should know. Once again, I've been caught in this intricate web of delusions and constraint that keep confusing me, my mind and my heart.
It has been a sort of a build up happening, unrelated events that, so subtly, keep adding up to this state I am in now.
I simply can't be feeling this.
I guess it started a bit more ago than I really think it did. For me, it was only blatantly happening since last week, when we dragged our sorry bottoms into the night, under the petty excuse of going out.
I was tired, I spent the whole day driving up, down and around the town and I got home with the biggest urge to call you or text you and say I was calling it off but I didn't do it. I knew you'd be upset and all, since we we're hyping it up for the whole week. I couldn't simply do that.
So, against my body's pleas and in favor of my mind's whims, I did go out.
The night was not that uneventful, having room for some laughs, alcohol, warm and fuzzy feelings that should have not taken place. Nevertheless, for a moment (or some moments), those thoughts were put aside, every time I argued with myself and strongly shook my head, eyes closed, hoping no one would notice, as if that simple movement would shake off the sinful thoughts that stubbornly kept rushing into my mind.
They just didn't disappear.
Now, more than a week after, I find myself craving for some balance between you and me.
I can only write random thoughts about the things I can only dream of...
03 May, 2010
08 April, 2010
Hide and seek
Life has taken over, once again. Nonetheless, now it feels like I'm actually having a purpose in it. Happiness is not a solid concept, but I am beginning to see some of its effects, even if small ones.
There are some things still missing. Then again, perfection is not something that can be achieved but something to be achieved, little by little, in the details of our mortal lives.
Today, I smiled for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason? Not an immediate reason, I reckon but a reason that had been kept away, subconsciously in my mind. Funny how random thoughts, fruit of some creativity can bring both mirth and sorrow together in the same moment. However, just for a moment.
Life, as it is, is slowly being shaped, carved into some more... let's say... regular parameters. Yet, there are edges of and in me that cannot be filinged.
Today, my heart beat faster for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason?
No, there was no reason at all. Unfortunately, one cannot control the chemical and biological actions of its own body, when reactions are triggered even by the slightest sun beam. Because deep inside, the heart knows what the mind denies is true.
The mirth will always overcome the sorrow but the sorrow will never leave, becoming that constant regret, anger, the impotence before something that was doomed, even prior to its beginning or the thing that no one could stop from happening.
Things happen because they happen. Like the glass I dropped this morning before leaving, like the keys I forgot after I left, like the fall I took to avoid getting hit and hit another car, like the little notes randomly found making a little more bearable the absence of something dear, like the deadline I am running against in order to present a term paperwork... They just happen.
And in this eternal game of hide and seek I permeate my existence, not knowing if am I to hide forever or seek any other way to fool my heart.
What is done, is done.
Today, my heart beat faster for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason?
Yes, there was a reason.
There are some things still missing. Then again, perfection is not something that can be achieved but something to be achieved, little by little, in the details of our mortal lives.
Today, I smiled for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason? Not an immediate reason, I reckon but a reason that had been kept away, subconsciously in my mind. Funny how random thoughts, fruit of some creativity can bring both mirth and sorrow together in the same moment. However, just for a moment.
Life, as it is, is slowly being shaped, carved into some more... let's say... regular parameters. Yet, there are edges of and in me that cannot be filinged.
Today, my heart beat faster for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason?
No, there was no reason at all. Unfortunately, one cannot control the chemical and biological actions of its own body, when reactions are triggered even by the slightest sun beam. Because deep inside, the heart knows what the mind denies is true.
The mirth will always overcome the sorrow but the sorrow will never leave, becoming that constant regret, anger, the impotence before something that was doomed, even prior to its beginning or the thing that no one could stop from happening.
Things happen because they happen. Like the glass I dropped this morning before leaving, like the keys I forgot after I left, like the fall I took to avoid getting hit and hit another car, like the little notes randomly found making a little more bearable the absence of something dear, like the deadline I am running against in order to present a term paperwork... They just happen.
And in this eternal game of hide and seek I permeate my existence, not knowing if am I to hide forever or seek any other way to fool my heart.
What is done, is done.
Today, my heart beat faster for no apparent reason. Or was there a reason?
Yes, there was a reason.
Brainstorming
I love to express myself, whether through writing, singing, painting... whatever. I think it's cathartic, plus, a lot cheaper than the shrink... But even so, I've been slacking off at everything lately. It's hard to keep up with the things you love to do, opposed to the ones you really have to do.
